Spotlight
“Dad, How Will I Know When I’m a Man?”
By Bill Francavilla
While most Christians love to read and quote the book of Proverbs for snappy sayings, we often forget the context in which it was written – a father to his son. It was Solomon’s way of teaching his son Rehoboam the value wisdom can provide in his life.
Unfortunately for them both, Solomon’s words fell on deaf ears, and Rehoboam’s actions caused an irreparable split in the kingdom of Israel that will not be fixed until the day the Lord returns.
Far be it from me to compare myself to the wisest man who ever lived, but I have always seen my children with all the potential to change the world. It’s been my prayer that I can guide them in the right direction.
My father is a great man. When I was growing up, he always made himself available to me. He led me through the journey into manhood with experiences for which I could never thank him enough. So when my oldest son, Liam, was about to turn twelve, he and I had a deep discussion on what it meant for him to be a man. It means new challenges, new experiences, and new responsibilities.
We talked a lot about the Jewish tradition of the Bar Mitzvah, where the entire community recognizes a thirteen-year-old boy’s journey into adulthood. Our church has enjoyed praying over our young people as they turn thirteen, something I intended for Liam, but I could tell he wanted more.
“But Dad,” he said, “how will I know that I’m a man?”
[Liam] would not be satisfied with just a simple prayer, so we came up with something very different. We put together a list of 25 measurable goals for Liam to accomplish before he
turned thirteen. And I have to say, completing this task in 365 days was not as easy as we thought it would be.
The first goal on our list was obvious: Read the entire New Testament and the Psalms. But then Liam expressed a desire to do something physical, so we added Run 100 miles or more (not all at once).
Then we started getting creative: Go camping without technology and Play on the worship team on a Sunday morning. He also wanted to serve others, so we added Volunteer at a food pantry and Teach at youth group.
Of course, Liam wanted to do some fun things, so we included Go indoor skydiving, Hike a trail with the family, and although I didn’t know how we were going to do it,
See three new states.
We felt it would be important to do something – not just nice – but GRAND for each one in our family, so we wrote down for him to do a grand gesture for every family member. Finally, and perhaps most important, we added Ask God to do a miracle through me. And we had finished our list.
On the day he turned twelve, August 11, 2021, we were up at the crack of dawn to run his first mile. When we got home, we did our first devotion on Matthew 1-2 and Psalm 1.
We felt good about the year we were going to have together and decided to knock out a few easy items. Within the first month I taught my son how to make my Italian great-grandmother’s recipe for tomato sauce, and we opened a checking account.
When we saw Plant a tree on the list, we were inspired to ask my wife what kind of tree she would like for the yard. We wound up planting five. I was so thrilled that we were accomplishing these goals above and beyond.
Before the end of September, I was able to take my son to his first concert in Washington DC, and by November, with a lot of practice, he was ready to play guitar with our worship team on a Sunday morning. It was not difficult to find a food pantry in need of volunteers around Christmas, and when we got home, we got to work writing his first song. He had written down that he wanted to learn the dulcimer too, so I told him if he wrote a song on the dulcimer, I would let him cross off both from his list.
We wound up writing a song about the sin of singing Christmas songs when it isn’t Christmas, which made our whole family laugh. And everyone was blessed that the song ended by saying we should celebrate Jesus all year.
All this time, I was preparing for seeing three new states. We decided that it could be possible to drive from Virginia to our youth conference in Ohio, then to St. Louis, Missouri, and finally, to Tulsa, Oklahoma, while seeing Kansas and Arkansas.
Then so unexpectedly, gas prices skyrocketed. I wasn’t sure just how much this was going to change our plans, so we had a serious talk about what this trip might look like on a stricter budget, assuming we could even go at all.
“That’s okay, Dad,” he said. “Maybe it’s time we pray for our miracle.”
I envied my son’s faith as he prayed. That night a $500 donation came through from a perfect stranger who had heard about what we were doing and wanted to make this trip happen. Later that week more money came in from the church, and from then on, gas was nothing we had to worry about.
Our ten-day trip was fantastic, just the two of us on the open road talking about life and what it means to be a man. When I first spotted the St. Louis Arch while crossing over the Mississippi River, I marveled at the number of things on this list that I myself had never done either. I realized there was nobody I would rather share these experiences with than my son.
We saw oddities across the country, but more important, I wanted Liam to learn about leadership and making tough decisions, so we visited the graves of five American presidents, including William Henry Harrison, Benjamin Harrison, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, and Andrew Johnson. We learned both good and bad aspects about our nation’s history. The trip was unforgettable.
When we returned home, we realized that although we still had five months left, time was running out. Liam faced one of his fears and went indoor skydiving, and he did his grand gestures for each family member as his year closed.
Liam turned thirteen a few weeks ago and kindly informed us that he wants to go by William now. He plays on our worship team with no fear. He enjoys his running still. He loves the Word. And we are closer than ever. I will never forget my son’s twelfth year on this earth as we prepared him to be a man.
The best part for me is that my daughter Rita turned twelve shortly after William turned thirteen, and she has started her list with her mother. And as soon as my youngest son, Gino, turns twelve, I get to start all over again. He is ten now, but we’re already planning our special year.
I’m not sure if Solomon and Rehoboam were able to walk alongside one another and truly bond. I wish there were more evidence and insight into their relationship. And while I’m positive Solomon was a lot busier than I am, I can’t help but wonder how investing in his son on a more personal level could have changed Israel’s history for the better.
After all, we are raising world changers.
About the Author
Bill Francavilla (shown here with son Liam at the Gateway Arch in St. Louis) and his wife, Jessica, pastor Living Hope Church in Williamsburg, Virginia. Bill has served in many different ministries from teaching middle school Bible classes to serving as a chaplain at a retirement community. He holds a master’s degree in theological studies from Liberty University and has been active in missions to Mexico, Dominican Republic, and Cuba. Bill and Jessica have four children: Alex, Liam, Rita Grace, and Gino.
Spiritual direction…hmmm, sounds like what I get from the Holy Spirit when I pray, so why would I need to meet with a spiritual director when I can do this on my own? Seems unnecessary, right? Not to mention, I’m a guy; we never ask for directions.
That was my thinking a few years ago, until the day I got a call from another minister who was training to be a spiritual director. She needed to log a certain number of practice hours to finish her training, and she asked if I would be her “guinea pig.”
The call had “coincidentally” come in the middle of a challenging season; my pastoral duties felt relentless, and I was going through a profound life change. I felt empty inside as I wrestled with a nagging question: “Am I really hearing God clearly?” Unable to talk through my struggle with very many people, I had been feeling spiritually stuck. The person calling was someone I trusted, so I agreed to be a part of her training process. I thought I was helping her out, but little did I know this decision would stand as a cornerstone of my spiritual and mental health moving forward.
Spiritual direction is like having a wonderful (dare I say, sacred) friend who walks alongside you and gently guides you to notice and respond to the presence of God in your life.
Spiritual direction is like having a wonderful (dare I say, sacred) friend who walks alongside you and gently guides you to notice and respond to the presence of God in your life. Believe it or not, even the best of us can miss Him in the middle of our emotional and mental upheavals. Unlike traditional counseling or mentorship, spiritual direction focuses on deepening our relationship with God, helping us become more aware of His presence in our everyday experiences.
A Transformative Encounter: Experiencing the Father Three Ways
There’s one spiritual direction session that particularly stands out in my mind. My mom had just passed away, and my dad was in the final stages of his life. It had been a tough year of loss, and I was doing my best to keep it together. As I shared with my spiritual director, she made a suggestion. She said, “Gary, take the next ten minutes to sit before the Father and ask Him what He wants to say to you in this season.”
I muted the microphone, sat in silence, and stared out the window of my office into my backyard. It was a beautiful day, and the wind was rustling through the trees. Things moving by some unseen force. As I sat there, God reminded me of three snapshots (memories) with my dad. The first was a memory of being at the beach with him when I was four and his taking me into the deep water. I remember protesting that I didn’t want to go out there but also feeling safe because I was held tightly in my father’s arms. The second was a memory of when I was twenty and we took a trip together. It was on that trip that I felt my father, through his actions, take his mantle of authority and leadership and place it on my shoulders. The third snapshot wasn’t a true memory but a glimpse into the future. I was about to visit my dad in a month – it was to say goodbye as he was in the final stages of life on earth. My agenda was simple: I was just going to spend time with Dad.
In those pictures, with the wind blowing through the trees, the Father used my father to help me encounter Him. I’ll never forget the three things God whispered to me as I pondered those three snapshots:
Gary, I’m with you; you’re safe.
Gary, I’ve given you everything you need to fulfill what I’ve called you to do; I trust you.
Gary, all I desire is for you to spend time with me and enjoy my presence.
Those past and future joys were a reminder from my heavenly Father that I could take the path ahead because He was with me. I’m not sure I would have had such a profound experience had it not been for the preceding conversation with my spiritual director and our subsequent debrief.
Integrating Spiritual Direction into Pastoral Ministry
Moments in this and following sessions have been a game changer for me, helping me become a better leader and follower. I now approach decisions with a greater sense of grounding, choosing to rely on prayerful discernment and feedback from someone who’s spiritually mature and not emotionally tied to the situations. I’ve also learned to listen better, not just to God but also to people.
Spiritual direction has been a transformative experience for me, helping me grow both personally and professionally.
Spiritual direction has also been a huge help with my mental health. Regular sessions provide a sanctuary from the incessant demands of ministry and allow me to process those stressors in a safe context. I’ve learned to be more resilient, thanks to the reflective exploration of my spiritual journey, and I feel more balanced and purposeful.
If you’re a minister who hasn’t tried spiritual direction yet, I highly recommend it. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Find a spiritual director who’s trained to help others on their spiritual journey.
- Make sure you prioritize regular meetings. Consistent engagement allows for a deeper unfolding of your spiritual narrative and allows for sustained growth.
- Be open and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to talk about the good and bad parts of your spiritual life.
Spiritual direction has been a transformative experience for me, helping me grow both personally and professionally. Remember, we all need help sometimes.
About the Author
Gary Kahn
Gary Khan was born on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. He moved to America when he was twenty to pursue his education and calling to be a pastor. He met his wife DeLaine at Eugene Bible College (now New Hope Christian College) and upon their graduation, they were married and began working at Desert Streams Church in Santa Clarita, CA. After thirty-two years as a pastor, Gary became an Executive Director of Operations for Marketplace Chaplains. He is the author of devotionals including Reset and Greater and his most recent book, That Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Thought.
On the fifth day of creation, our wonderful God showed himself in a brand new way. He began to create the living creatures that walk among us. This expression of His creation has shown itself throughout history; from Noah’s dove, to Balaam’s donkey, to Jonah’s whale and Daniel’s lions, God has continued to use animals in His grand plan and purpose.
We can still use these animals as a metaphor for God’s love and guidance. One notable example comes from Bob Sjogren’s book Cat and Dog Theology: “A dog says, ‘You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me, you must be God.’ A cat says, ‘You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, you love me, I must be God.’”
As true as this may be, something wonderful happens when the molds break.
[God] certainly doesn’t want to drag us from one destination to the next. He would rather we follow Him willingly, eager to remain in His presence.
In our family, we recently experienced an interesting phenomenon when it came to our pets. To understand the story better, you need to understand our animals. Ralphie is our young, spirited Maltipoo. He has never met a stranger he didn’t love. He is sweet, loyal and in many ways the ideal companion.
Then we have our chihuahua, Sally. We found Sally roaming our neighborhood in 2014 with no tags and no microchip. She had obviously been mistreated, and when I took her to the vet, they found so many things wrong with her that I was advised, “Don’t be in a huge hurry to find her owner.”
We cleaned Sally up, and two weeks later she was legally ours. While she is affectionate to us and our kids, to this day, if I lift my hand to give her a pat on the head, she winces as if I am going to hit her (something I have never done and never intend to do).
Ralphie and Sally’s unique natures show themselves on our nightly walk around the neighborhood.
Ralphie tries his hardest to pull on the leash and run ahead. He so desperately wants to lead whoever is holding the leash that he nearly chokes himself on his collar. (We’ve had to switch to a harness.) He is unaware that he is only eight pounds, and his actions make little to no difference in the direction we are going.
Sally, however, must be practically dragged throughout the walk. She is timid and afraid to take a step that she isn’t sure is safe.
It’s quite a sight to have such different dogs reacting to the same thing.
Witnessing this phenomenon gave me pause, and I couldn’t help but think what a picture this is for the diverse ways we respond to the Holy Spirit’s leading in our lives.
So many people are like Ralphie. They try to tell God where they want to go without any regard to His guidance. They would rather choke themselves on their own will than listen to what He has to say. Others are like Sally and struggle to fully trust the Lord. For them to move, the Holy Spirit must practically drag them to the next place.
It sounds like a simple premise, but so many followers of God fall into these two opposite extremes. People miss their destinies when they act like Ralphie and Sally.
But there is another pet in our household whom I have not told you about. His name is Caesar, and he is an old, wise cat. We got Caesar the year we were married, and he lived up to his noble name every chance he got. Years ago, on our nightly walks with the dogs, Caesar began doing something amazing.
By his own free will, he would simply follow us on our walks. No need for a leash. No need for us to coax him. He just followed our gentle guidance every night for the mere purpose of being with us. Every now and then we would have to call his name, but he was always nearby.
I believe that in a world full of Ralphies and Sallys, God would rather we be like Caesar. The Lord doesn’t want us to tell Him where we are going rather than let Him lead, and He certainly doesn’t want to drag us from one destination to the next. He would rather we follow Him willingly, eager to remain in His presence.
In Matthew 8:18-22, two men express a desire to follow Jesus. The first is overly eager, not knowing what he is getting himself into. Jesus gives him a stern warning, explaining that he doesn’t know what he’s asking. The second man hesitates and says he needs to bury his father first. We never learn the fate of either man, but I hope they both abandoned their natural tendencies and learned to faithfully follow.
Whether you struggle with being too aggressive on your journey with God or whether you’re entirely too scared to take another step, I believe we can all grow in learning to be led
After sixteen years of being our cat, Caesar died peacefully this past March, but not before we had gotten a kitten named CJ. CJ is full of life and extremely playful. She was always so intrigued by our old friend Caesar that she started following him everywhere he went, even if it meant a walk around our neighborhood.
Caesar indirectly made a disciple with our young kitten, who now follows us on our walks every night. Despite how aggressive Ralphie wants to be or how timid Sally is, we now have CJ, just following along wherever we go.
Whether you struggle with being too aggressive on your journey with God or whether you’re entirely too scared to take another step, I believe we can all grow in learning to be led. If we will stay close to Jesus, we cannot help but fulfill His destiny for our lives.
About the Author
Bill Francavilla
Bill Francavilla is the lead pastor at Living Hope, an Open Bible church in Williamsburg, Virginia. Having lived in Virginia nearly his entire life, he attended Lynchburg College, where he studied history and theater. In 2017 Bill received his master’s degree in theological studies from Liberty University. He has been active in missions to Mexico, Dominican Republic, and Cuba. He and his wife, Jessica, have four children: Alex, Liam, Rita Grace, and Gino.
I am Shane Blackledge, and my wife Amber and I are the founding pastors of Cultivate Church in St. Louis, Missouri. My story is one of transformation and God’s grace, showing how He can use anyone to build His kingdom.
I was born in Colorado at the Air Force Academy Hospital. My father served in the Vietnam War, and while stationed in Taiwan, he met my mother and they got married. When I was six, my parents separated, and my mother moved back to Taiwan, leaving me devastated. As a kid, I faced racism and extreme poverty. I battled depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. I started smoking and drinking at eight years old, joined a gang at age thirteen, and was using meth daily by the time I was fourteen.
At age seventeen, I was arrested and sentenced to thirty years in prison for selling drugs. I found myself in my jail cell wanting to end it all. On my night stand I found a Gideon Bible, and I opened it right to John 3:16. As I sat there reading, I realized I was a sinner, but that God created me and I had a purpose to live. I repented and asked Jesus to forgive me. I felt the Father’s love and the presence of the Holy Spirit in an indescribable way.
After my release, I struggled transitioning back into society (finding a job, paying rent, and finding a church that would accept me). I was discouraged and soon relapsed on meth. During the years of my addiction, I was sent to five prisons and was incarcerated for over six years. In 2006, after nearly dying from an overdose, I woke up from a coma and realized God had saved me from death. That day I fully surrendered to Christ, and that’s when my real transformation began.
In 2006, after nearly dying from an overdose, I woke up from a coma and realized God had saved me from death
God restored what addiction had taken from me. I have now been clean from meth for seventeen years. In 2013, I married Amber. We started attending Waverly Life Church, served as youth leaders, and eventually started a Celebrate Recovery program. In 2022, God called us to plant Cultivate Church in St. Louis, Missouri. We resigned from all ministries and jobs and sold our home. In April of 2023, we started house church gatherings which quickly grew in Christ and numbers. We launched our first Sunday gathering in October of 2023.
Today, we are a church without walls, modeled after the early church in Acts. We have regular church gatherings geared towards discipleship, street ministry, addiction recovery, Christian hip-hop events, prison ministry, and nursing home visits. We work with local treatment centers and recovery programs to support and mentor people. We have partnered with churches and ministries to organize monthly inner-city mission trips.
One way God has used my story is with my podcast: “Kingdom Minded,” which streams into 1000 prisons across the country on over one million inmate tablets. In partnership with the Edovo learning app, the podcast focuses on sharing testimonies and teaching Biblical principles.
Looking back, I am amazed at what God has done. In just a year our church has grown from a small group in our living room to a thriving community, passionate about sharing God’s love. Amber and I are excited about the future. We believe God is just getting started with Cultivate Church.
He can use anyone, even a former addict and convict like me, to build His kingdom.
My story and the story of Cultivate Church are really about God’s faithfulness. He can use anyone, even a former addict and convict like me, to build His kingdom. All the glory goes to Him.
To donate toward our prison ministry and homeless outreach, visit wearecultivatechurch.org or check out our Blessing Bags Gift Registry at HERE.
About the Author
Shane R. Blackledge
Shane R. Blackledge is the co-founder and senior pastor of Cultivate Church. He and his wife Amber started Cultivate Church in their home in 2023. Today, the church is known for spreading the Gospel and being the church without walls. Shane’s podcast, “Kingdom Minded,” is available in over 1000 prisons on inmate tablets on the Edovo Learning App. Through testimonies and Bible principles, the podcast aims to teach, inspire, and equip Christians to live their best life now. Shane is an author and speaker, and his books From Prison to Purpose and Overcoming Codependency are available on Amazon. Shane and Amber have four children and live in St. Louis, Missouri.
