President's Perspective
Are You Expecting Too Much from Your Spouse?
By Randall Bach
It is amusing to watch the reaction of many people when they learn that Barbara and I have been married for 50 years. They look at us with wonderment as if they were observing the last of a virtually extinct species. We aren’t nearly as impressed with ourselves. We realize we are not perfect and have discovered that marriage takes a lot of work. We are thankful for God’s grace and each other’s grace in our lives and marriage.
My parents had been married for 65 years when my mother was the first to die. We know other couples who have been married for more years than that. People do have lifelong marriages! While we never presume upon life, we eagerly look forward to celebrating our Golden Anniversary.
When we recited those marriage vows that included “til death do us part,” we did not do so flippantly. There was going to be no looking back. Our lives would be cemented together as one from that day forward, not because we were obligated to do so but because our vows were rooted in our souls, founded on love, intertwined with love for and commitment to God – not to be later doubted or fretted over in fear we made a mistake. No, we were all in. And we still are. No looking back with regret. Only looking forward with anticipation.
So what is the key to establishing a marriage for life? Never having a disagreement or argument! Hopefully, when you read that sentence you immediately recognized it as facetious. Barbara and I chuckle and roll our eyes about a “big” argument we had when we were newly married. I angered her, and she threw the Hostess Ding Dong that was in her hand at me. In anger, I retaliated by throwing one back at her. We both missed. As one plastered Ding Dong slid down the wall leaving a squiggly chocolate trail and the other did the same on a kitchen cabinet, we began laughing at the silliness of what we had just done (as well as the financial cost of assassinating two Ding Dongs!). I am happy to report we have not repeated that food fight.
No, two individuals cannot dare to unite their lives as one without some friction between entirely different personalities and backgrounds. Dying to self does not come easily. In honor preferring one another (Romans 12:10) runs counter to our base natures if they are not redemptively renewed each day. Differences and arguments are going to happen, and we need to be able to keep them in perspective, offering grace to each other instead of allowing the disagreements to escalate with long-term ramifications.
I believe prospects for long and blessed marriages are profoundly influenced by expectations. There are some expectations of a marriage that are foundational and appropriate and if not honored will undermine or destroy a marriage.
Realistic Expectations:
- FAITHFULNESS. No excuses about this one. Fidelity is foundational and indispensable to trust, and when one or both people in a marriage do not trust each other it is like sepsis, a toxic blood infection that seeks to conquer the entire body. It is a realistic expectation that your spouse will be faithful to you.
- LOVE. A marriage without love is but a living arrangement. Here today and gone tomorrow and on to the next arrangement. However, love must be understood as being much more and much deeper than emotion. Emotion depends on the day. (“She loves me, she loves me not.”) Love involves resolve that transcends feelings.
- TRUTHFULNESS. A marriage cannot thrive when there is doubt about a spouse’s integrity and believability. A lack of truthfulness undermines trust and willingness to stand with each other in difficult times and situations. “Do I believe him/her?” should never be part of a marriage. Lack of truthfulness corrodes marriage at its core.
- COMMITMENT. “Come what may, including tragedies, disappointments, failures, or wealth, I am with you. You can count on me. I will be there with you and for you, in the best and worst of times.” Commitment means not looking elsewhere for relational or sexual fulfillment. Commitment represents backbone in following through.
- GOD-CENTERED SPOUSE. When God is at the center of a marriage, it means both the husband and wife are devoted to the Lord and make relationship with Him priority one, even before their spouse. This priority enriches and deepens the relationship with your spouse! There is no substitute for asking and allowing God to be part of a marriage. Passionately activating and applying truths and principles from God’s Word provides a firm foundation for a meaningful and mutually fulfilling marriage.
When one of those realistic expectations is violated, it tears at or destroys the others. Each realistic expectation leans upon the others. Can marriages survive a breakdown in realistic expectations? Yes, when repentance, forgiveness, and demonstration of faithful commitment to those expectations are clear, convincing, and lasting. Without those steps, however, a marriage cannot withstand having its foundation of realistic expectations violated and destroyed.
Unrealistic marital expectations chip away at a marriage’s foundation. They siphon energy, love, and joy by imposing demands that are unlikely to be met. Unrealistic expectations skew and confuse perspective, the ability to evaluate frustrations in the context of a big picture. There are probably many unrealistic expectations that negatively impact marriages. I will just focus on three.
Unrealistic Expectations:
- He/she will change into the person I desire. This unrealistic expectation has killed many marriages. Although both spouses should grow and mature, the personality traits you see at the beginning are imprinted. I knew one of Barbara’s characteristics was a healthy enjoyment of interactive attention. In contrast, I do not desire attention and can become uncomfortable with very much of it. For years I thought my trait was mature and hers was immature, and I hoped she would grow out of her need for attention. It was at an eye-opening marriage weekend event that I learned about the individual needs every spouse has and that those needs should be celebrated instead of interpreted as something to change. It was as if a blindfold dropped from my eyes! Now Barbara’s natural need for attention is something I love and enjoy about her. It is part of what makes her delightful to me, and I love looking for ways to fulfill her need. She did not need to change who she is; I needed to embrace who she is! Instead of trying to change your spouse, work at loving and understanding him or her. You might even see some change as a result!
- He/she will meet all my needs. All spouses should dedicate themselves to meeting needs of their spouses, but few will be completely successful. If you focus on the ten percent of your needs that your spouse fails to meet, you will never appreciate and love the ninety percent they succeed in meeting. No human, including your spouse, can meet all your needs. Remember, though, that God can minister to your deepest needs. A central mission of marriage is changing the usual human focus from meeting my needs first to meeting my spouse’s needs first. Understanding and dedicating yourself to that mission will revolutionize a marriage.
- He/she will be a perfect parent. Are you? I have never understood how a small child knows how to recognize differences between parents and will work to exploit those differences. If parents do not counter this type of behavior, they will encourage the child to become even more skilled in exploitation. Most parents start out parenting like they were parented, for good or bad, and have to learn about good parenting. That is vitally important homework! Share in that resolve and joy of discovery together.
What a splendid idea God had when He created marriage! Men and women are innately attracted to each other. This is true in every culture around the world. However, there is something ennobling, health-producing, uplifting, and holy when a man and woman consecrate themselves to God and each other in marriage. In the natural, marriage is a ridiculous proposition: two entirely different personalities constantly living together in commitment to each other, sacrificing together, raising a family together, tackling life together, and growing old together, all held together by the bond of heaven-blessed love. That is a journey! Barbara and I signed up for the ridiculous proposition and are so happy we did. We are determined to make it work by completing each other as we enjoy the journey. Thank you, Lord, for giving us this privilege!
About the Author
Randall A. Bach delights in opportunities to serve the Lord, including his current assignment as president of Open Bible Churches. He earned a master’s degree in organizational leadership from Regent University. Randall and Barbara, his wife, have been in ministry for over 40 years and call it “our adventure together.” Randall loves the church, pastors, and church leaders and is convinced that God loves to work through them to make disciples, develop leaders, and plant churches. A voice for Evangelicals, his work has been featured in several publications, including Ethics: The Old Testament, The New Testament, and Contemporary Application. He serves as a member of the Board of Directors and the Executive Committee of the National Association of Evangelicals.
Randall has produced and edited several publications and other resources, including the Message of the Open Bible, We Believe: Core Truths for Christian Living, and a doctrinal course for youth called We Believe for Kids! He also led the creation of Acquire, Open Bible’s online leadership development site.
As we approach another election season, we find ourselves once again in an environment bringing tension, division, and uncertainty to people, including those within the Church. It is during times like this, however, that we as the Church can shine brightly. In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
The apostle Paul instructs us that “our citizenship is in heaven” (Phil. 3:20 NIV), and as followers of Christ, our ultimate allegiance is to God and His kingdom. While politics does have its importance and influence, it is reassuring to know our hope is not based upon human leaders or systems but in the Lord who reigns over all.
In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
There is no question that, as followers of Christ, we should engage in our civic duties with a kingdom-minded perspective and a biblical worldview. We vote, we pray for our leaders, we seek the welfare of our communities (Jer. 29:7), and we engage others with love. And as we do all of this, we hold to the truth that God’s sovereignty transcends the outcomes of elections.
In times that seem unstable or fragile, God’s Word tells us “we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken” (Heb.12:28). We serve an “unshakable kingdom.” Governments change, leaders come and go, and through it all, God’s kingdom remains. It is unshakable, eternal, and built upon His righteousness and justice. No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority. It is His church that holds the keys to unlock heaven on earth and bring light to the darkness.
Here is the reality we stand upon: It is God who “controls the course of world events; He removes kings and sets up other kings” (Dan. 2:21 NLT), and “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord” (Prov. 21:1 KJV).
Because of this truth, we can embrace Paul’s word to the Philippians: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7 NLT). Based on this passage, if we are a people of prayer who walk in faith, seek God’s wisdom, and are grateful, THEN we know we will experience a peace that goes beyond natural understanding. I am reminded, comforted, and convinced of this truth, and it is an anchor to my soul.
No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority.
This November’s election will be followed in December by the celebration of Christ’s birth. What a perfect time to remember that Jesus is Emmanuel – God with us. This name, given to Jesus, is more than just a title; it is a promise that no matter what happens around us, God’s presence is constant and unchanging.
Whether the outcome of the election brings joy or disappointment, whether policies align with your hopes or create concerns, remember Emmanuel – God is with us. He is present in our churches, in our communities, in our families, and in our lives. He is not distant or disconnected; He is personally and actively involved in the lives of His people. Whoever is elected and however people respond – God still sits on the throne, His Kingdom is unshakable, and His plans are unstoppable. GOD IS WITH US.
Some practical steps for consideration:
- Pray for our leaders, regardless of who they are: Pray for their wisdom, discernment, and a spirit of humility.
- Stay united as the body of Christ: Let a heart of unity, love, and the bond of peace be what others see.
- Keep an eternal perspective: Engage in the political process, but keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.
- Live out the things that will remain: faith, hope and love.
About the Author
Michael Nortune
Michael Nortune serves as president of Open Bible Churches. He has ministered in the local church faithfully for 35 years. From his start as a janitor and groundskeeper to lead pastor of Life Church in Concord, California, Michael has had the opportunity to gain experience in every capacity within the church throughout his ministry. Not only does he have hands-on experience on the local level, but Michael has also led at the district, regional, and national levels within Open Bible Churches. Michael and his wife Julie currently reside in Colorado and love living near five of their six children and their spouses. They also treasure the time they spend with their other daughter who lives in Alabama with their first (but not the last) grandson!
A medida que nos acercarnos a otra temporada de elecciones, nos encontramos una vez más en un ambiente de tensión, división e incertidumbre entre la gente, incluyendo a los que están dentro de la Iglesia. Sin embargo, es en tiempos como éste cuando nosotros, como Iglesia, debemos brillar con intensidad. Frente a los debates, los anuncios y las noticias que pueden provocar ansiedad, tenemos la oportunidad divina de afianzar a la gente en la esperanza inmutable de Cristo.
El apóstol Pablo nos dice que «nuestra ciudadanía está en los cielos» (Fil. 3:20, RVR1960), y como seguidores de Cristo, nuestra lealtad suprema es a Dios y a Su reino. Aunque la política tiene su importancia e influencia, es alentador saber que nuestra esperanza no se basa en líderes o sistemas humanos, sino en el Señor que reina, sobre todo.
Frente a los debates, los anuncios y las noticias que pueden provocar ansiedad, tenemos la oportunidad divina de afianzar a la gente en la esperanza inmutable de Cristo.
No hay duda de que, como seguidores de Cristo, debemos cumplir con nuestro deber cívico desde la perspectiva del Reino y con una cosmovisión bíblica. Votamos, oramos por nuestros líderes, procuramos el bienestar de nuestras comunidades (Jeremías 29:7) y nos relacionamos con los demás en amor. Y al hacer todo esto, nos aferramos a esta verdad: que la soberanía de Dios trasciende los resultados de las elecciones.
En tiempos que parecen inestables o frágiles, la Palabra de Dios nos dice que «recibimos un reino inconmovible» (Heb.12:28). Servimos a un «Reino Inconmovible». Los gobiernos cambian, los líderes van y vienen, y a pesar de todo, el reino de Dios permanece. Es inconmovible, eterno y está edificado sobre Su justicia y equidad. Ninguna elección puede alterar la realidad de la soberanía de Dios ni sacudir el fundamento de su autoridad. Es Su Iglesia la que tiene las llaves para abrir el cielo en la tierra y para llevar la luz a las tinieblas.
La realidad sobre la que nos apoyamos es la siguiente: Es Dios quien «controla el curso de los sucesos del mundo; él quita reyes y pone otros reyes» (Dan. 2:21, NTV), y «está el corazón del rey en la mano de Jehová» (Prov. 21:1, RVR1960).
A raíz de esta verdad, podemos hacer nuestras las palabras del Apóstol Pablo a los filipenses: «Por nada estéis afanosos, sino sean conocidas vuestras peticiones delante de Dios en toda oración y ruego, con acción de gracias. Y la paz de Dios, que sobrepasa todo entendimiento, guardará vuestros corazones y vuestros pensamientos en Cristo Jesús» (Fil. 4:6-7). Según este pasaje, «si somos un pueblo de oración que camina en la fe, busca la sabiduría de Dios y es agradecido, ENTONCES tenemos la certeza de que experimentaremos una paz que va más allá de la comprensión natural». Este pasaje me recuerda, me consuela y me convence de esta verdad, y es un ancla para mi alma.
Ninguna elección puede alterar la realidad de la soberanía de Dios ni sacudir el fundamento de su autoridad.
En diciembre, tras las elecciones de noviembre, celebraremos el nacimiento de Jesús. Qué momento tan perfecto para recordar que Jesús es Emmanuel: Dios con nosotros. Este nombre, dado a Jesús, es más que un título; es una promesa de que, pase lo que pase a nuestro alrededor, la presencia de Dios es constante e inmutable.
No importa si el resultado de las elecciones nos traiga alegría o decepción, sea que las medidas políticas se alineen o no con nuestras expectativas, o nos generen más preocupación, recuerde Emmanuel: Dios está con nosotros. Está presente en nuestras iglesias, en nuestras comunidades, en nuestras familias y en nuestras vidas. No está distante ni desconectado; Él está involucrado de forma personal y activa en la vida de su pueblo. Cualquiera que sea elegido y comoquiera que la gente responda: Dios sigue sentado en el trono, Su Reino es inconmovible y Sus planes son imparables. DIOS ESTÁ CON NOSOTROS.
Algunas medidas prácticas para tener en cuenta:
- Oremos por nuestros líderes, sin importar quiénes sean: Pidamos para ellos sabiduría, discernimiento y un espíritu de humildad
- Permanezcamos unidos al cuerpo de Cristo: Que un corazón de unidad, amor y el vínculo de la paz sea lo que los demás vean en nosotros.
- Mantengamos una perspectiva eterna: Participemos en el proceso político, pero mantengamos los ojos fijos en Jesús, el autor y consumador de nuestra fe.
- Vivamos conforme a lo que permanecerá: la fe, la esperanza y el amor.
Sobre el Autor
Michael Nortune
Michael Nortune es presidente de las Iglesias de la Biblia Abierta. Ha servido fielmente en la iglesia local durante treinta y cinco años. Desde sus comienzos como conserje y jardinero hasta ser pastor principal de Life Church en Concord, California. Michael ha tenido la oportunidad de adquirir experiencia en todas las funciones dentro de la iglesia a lo largo de su ministerio. No sólo tiene experiencia práctica a nivel local, sino que también ha liderado a nivel distrital, regional y nacional dentro de las Iglesias de la Biblia Abierta.
When Jesus said in Matthew 16:18 “. . . I will build my church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it,” He was making a declaration that His Church was going to be an unstoppable force for the kingdom of God. His Church would expand and multiply, and nothing (not death, hell, or the grave) could keep it from its destiny.
We now are the people He uses, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to accomplish His mission for such a time as this. A few months ago, I heard a quote by author Grant Skeldon that stuck with me. The quote went something like this: “The enemy wants to divide the Church. The Church is busy trying to add. But Jesus wants the Church to multiply.” God had already been speaking and stirring this passion for multiplying within me, and the quote resonated in my spirit.
It’s true, Satan does not want a united Church because he knows when we are united, we become the unstoppable force Jesus spoke of. Therefore, his plan is to try to divide people. He attempts to create jealousy, animosity, backbiting, and gossip in our pastors, churches, and cities, rendering God’s people powerless.
“The enemy wants to divide the Church. The Church is busy trying to add. But Jesus wants the Church to multiply.”
Here is what I would add to Skeldon’s mathematical quote: the world wants to subtract the Church. In culture today, we see many attempts to silence the voice and values of the Church. We see the world trying to erase our God-given assignment and impact, trying to remove our influence by portraying the Church as irrelevant and intolerant.
Too often, churches become distracted, focused on trying to add just a few more people, add a few more programs, add a few more outreaches, add a few more dollars, add a few more baptisms. We become trapped at times in a survival mentality, thinking, “Let’s just get through another Sunday.”
Jesus declared that His Church would not just survive but would thrive and multiply. You see this truth in both the Old and New Testaments, that God’s kingdom and His Church are intended, equipped, and empowered to multiply. From the beginning there is a command that carries a promise: God blesses humanity, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Those words are repeated and ripple throughout the pages of Scripture.
The mandate I sensed God speak to my spirit at National Convention in Dallas as Open Bible transitioned into a new season was a clarion call. Open Bible was to embrace and pursue what God has intended for us, to apprehend what we are apprehended for, to live what is in the DNA of our movement. We, as a fellowship and network of churches, could believe together that God wants to multiply His kingdom through every local church, every minister, all our districts and regions, nationally and globally. The leadership in Open Bible is resolute and passionate about serving our local churches and seeing your ministries multiply, understanding that as they do, we experience God’s promise of multiplication together.
We become trapped at times in a survival mentality, thinking, “Let’s just get through another Sunday.”
You will hear more in the coming weeks and months about how this word from God can be lived out in practical ways. Together in agreement and alignment, we are on a “Mission to Multiply.” We are believing that over the next few years we will see God multiply His kingdom in your churches and ministries. In addition, we will see Him multiply the number of leaders and ministers in Open Bible, the souls being saved, disciples being trained, churches being planted and adopted, and the next generation being raised up and stepping into their destiny. Will you blend your faith and prayers with ours, believing God’s call is for Open Bible to be “fruitful and multiply”?
“Be careful to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then you will LIVE and MULTIPLY, and you will ENTER and OCCUPY the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors” (Deut. 8:1 NLT, emphasis added).
Michael Nortune
Michael Nortune serves as president of Open Bible Churches. He has ministered in the local church faithfully for 35 years. From his start as a janitor and groundskeeper to lead pastor of Life Church in Concord, California, Michael has had the opportunity to gain experience in every capacity within the church throughout his ministry. Not only does he have hands-on experience on the local level, but Michael has also led at the district, regional, and national levels within Open Bible Churches.
