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Dad, What’s Sex?
By Jordan Valentine
Not a care in the world in the California moonlight, cruising down the road with my oldest. Just a dad and his son, nothing better. Then it happened. Out of the peaceful silence my son asked me, “Dad, what’s sex?”
I did what any sane parent would do. I panicked, opened my car door, and jumped out. Okay, I made the last part up, but maybe you have wished you could make a quick escape from your kids’ questions. It can seem like a better alternative than actually having this conversation. I mean, most people might presume I am a mature adult, but I feel inappropriate even typing words like “sex” and “pornography.” You may even be asking, “Why is this rapscallion using such a wild tongue? He is simply uncouth!” (In this scenario, you are a prim and proper person from the 1600s).
If our kids don’t learn about sex from us, they will learn about it from the world. They will learn it from their friends, their schools, the culture around them, or from screens when no one else is watching. The thought of talking to your children about sex can make you feel awkward. As a youth pastor I dealt with parents who struggled with this conversation because of their past sexual mistakes. Some parents felt like hypocrites for teaching their kids to do something they didn’t even do themselves. So instead, they just left their children without guidance in a world full of sexual landmines. Other parents would try to keep their kids from making the same mistakes they did by dressing them in a chastity belt of rules. These students would be ashamed or angry with their parents and then explore an accessible sexual world when their parents weren’t looking. Either scenario leads to the children finding important answers somewhere else.
This growing communication problem leads Gen Z to pornography. For them it is natural to experience life through the screen. The average Gen Z-er spends as much time on a screen as many people do at their full-time jobs. According to Barna,* over 25 percent are on a screen over 56 hours a week. Unlike previous generations, they don’t use social media just to keep friendships; they are looking for new friendships and new experiences, not in person, but through screens. Without healthy direction they all too easily fall in lust with digital sex. This can lead to shame and fear, and ultimately it will rob our children of God’s best for them.
If our kids don’t learn about sex from us, they will learn about it from the world.
I am not a professional psychologist, just a dad trying to get better every day at my craft. Nonetheless, I am going to give you a few tips on how to have open and honest conversations about sex and pornography with your children. These conversations will help your kids have a healthier view of sex and help them safeguard themselves from the lies of pornography.
Just a few notes to review before we get started. First, God made us sexual beings. It is part of who we are, but not our main identity. God did this on purpose. (Your kids are not freaks if they desire sex.) God’s design is perfect. He declared sex good, meaning when God designed it and when we exercise it according to His design, it is good. Adam and Eve felt no shame in the way God created them and united them together. Second, Satan is a liar. He used his lies to deceive Adam and Eve. He attempted and failed to deceive Jesus. His attacks on us and on our children will come at us from his lying lips. He will attempt to lie to them about sex and pornography. You can see this in our culture. Although God made us sexual beings as part of our identity, now sexuality is seemingly synonymous with our identity.
Now on to three tips to help you to have open conversations about sex with your kids.
- Just answer what they ask.
- My parents gave me this great advice that they stole from one of their teachers. It simplifies the harder to answer questions we get from our kids. Sometimes when our child asks about sex, we think we must unleash the entirety of our knowledge upon their child-sized brains. (I’m guilty of this.) Instead, just answer the question they ask. If they ask another, answer that. Let them determine how much information they can handle and don’t assume they need more than they are asking for. You can be cautious, using words appropriate for their age. (We don’t want to push them into mature topics they haven’t thought or heard of yet.) We also don’t want them to view these conversations with us as inappropriate or embarrassing. Within our culture today, our kids will more than likely be exposed to pornography. In times past you would have to go to a sleazy store to access porn; now it is available in every pocket. If our kids feel free to come to us, we can help them avoid the secrecy and shame.
- Check in with them.
- Sometimes they may not ask questions. This is when you need to be proactive and open up the conversation. They may not be ready to talk at that moment. (Let’s be real; kids usually ask when it is the most inconvenient – pretty sure they do it on purpose.) Your checking in lets them know that they have open access to any information they are curious about. It will take away the secrecy and fear the enemy can use.
- Point to the blessing of God’s design.
- Every conversation becomes an opportunity to lead our kids to the immense love and goodness of God. Deuteronomy 6 gives us a great reminder as parents to be diligent in teaching our kids to love God, and from that love, to follow His commandments. In an area that can harm our child so greatly, we should diligently point them to God and the happiness they can experience through His design. Each potentially awkward and cringy conversation becomes an opportunity for your kids to see the beauty of how God made sex a special part of their lives. This approach will not just grow an excitement for doing things God’s way but will also grow their love of God the more they see His faithfulness. Remember, we are not teaching our kids that all their wildest dreams will come true when they find their spouse. That would set unrealistic expectations that would lead to frustration. What we are doing is saying that God’s way is always better. In good seasons and bad ones, God’s way is filled with peace. That is true in all areas of life, whether relationships, finances (a shout-out to Dave Ramsey), parenting, or sex.
There is no exhaustive, foolproof list for how to raise a child that will never look at pornography, but your faithful voice can lead them toward freedom. In a world that will constantly twist and pervert sex as long as they live, it is important to be that steady voice that points to the beauty and joy of God’s design for sex.
*Gen Z: The Culture, Beliefs and Motivations Shaping the Next Generation. The Barna Group and Impact 360 Institute. January 22, 2018
About the Author
Jordan Valentine is married to an amazing woman, Mia, who can tolerate all his sarcasm! He is the father of three wild boys: John, Jedidiah, and Thaddeus. He has been a youth pastor for more than ten years and now has the honor of being lead pastor at Journey Church of Open Bible in Antioch, California.
The diaspora of the Tai Dam refugees in 1975 to Des Moines, Iowa, fueled a first generation of Tai Dam Americans adapting to new ways of life, blending language, culture, and embracing the numerous opportunities in the US. I was part of that first generation. Three years after my parents’ settlement in Iowa, I was born and became the first in my family to acquire an American education and step into a church. We were blessed to have Christian sponsors who helped us transition from our homeland to America.
Every Sunday, our sponsors would take me, my sister, and several of my cousins to church service at the First Church of the Open Bible. Naomi Young was one of the many people who was significant in my life; she gave me my first Bible. Through the faithfulness of Naomi and others at the church, seeds of faith were planted as I was told about a man named Jesus who died on the cross for me. I was curious, but I did not understand and did not accept Him into my life at that time. Attending church was short-lived, coming to a halt when I was eight years old. The seed that was planted in me could not grow because it was never nourished with Truth at home. My parents and grandmother believed and practiced animism and ancestral worship, which is the veneration and honoring of the dead. Confusion infiltrated my mind, and my desire to attend church ceased. While I abandoned everything that was taught to me in Sunday school, I always kept my Bible in a special place underneath my pillow because something in my heart could not throw it away.
The seed that was planted in me could not grow because it was never nourished with Truth at home.
When I was twenty-two years old, my cousin took me to a Buddhist temple to have my fortune read. There, sitting in front of me, were three monks. One monk opened his notebook, wrote in it, then read to me my childhood, present life, and future life story up to the time I would turn thirty years old. He then shut his notebook and told me, “I am done.” When I asked him, “Why?” he told me only, “I cannot read you anymore.” That same week I went to a card reader and had my fortune read. Again, he read my childhood, present life, and up to the age I would be thirty, then stopped. I told him, “You are the second person that could not read me past thirty; tell me – do I die?” He quickly gathered his cards, saying only, “I cannot tell you.”
Throughout my adult life in my twenties, I was in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, which led to an alcohol addiction. When I was twenty-six, I became pregnant and had my daughter, Kaylee, on January 31, 2005. God was already working in my life, and I did not know it; He was molding me and reminding me of who He was through the darkest moments of my life. Around that time, I came upon a childhood friend who worked as a cashier at Hy-Vee; she would tell me, “Soukham, God is so good.” Though I resisted, the words she spoke over me resonated in my heart. Not long after, I found myself attending her funeral. Worship and praise were included in the Christian service. I was confused, but a part of me had the desire to know more about the God they said was so good and how through Him there would be no more pain and suffering. When I left the funeral, the Lord continued to reveal Himself to me through divine encounters. In July of 2008, I took a position at Nationwide Insurance where I reconnected with an old high school friend. She invited me to a Thanksgiving potluck at her church, and my walk with the Lord began soon after.
From the Tai Dam little girl who was born in America and met Jesus in an Iowan church, to the woman who is now taking the hope of Christ back to Southeast Asia, His hand has been in every chapter of my story.
I was thirty years old when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The verse that will remain with me forever is 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (NIV).
Now I understand why the monk and card reader could not read my life past the age of thirty. At that age, I became a new creation because of Jesus Christ, and the enemy no longer had a hold on me! Jesus continued to bless me and my daughter. Amid my pain and struggles, God brought a man into my life, my husband Othone (Pong), who became a father to Kaylee. We got married on September 15, 2010. Together the Lord blessed us with two more children, Isaac and Silas. In 2017, the Lord called us to serve in Iowa at Kingdom Life Church (now Kingdom City Church).
In November 2021, the Lord instilled in Pong’s heart a dream to build a charitable foundation to address needs in the vulnerable communities of Southeast Asia. The foundation would have a Christ-centered vision: to make and equip future disciples, providing them with sustainable resources and empowering them to advance beyond their current situation. Through continuous prayer and the Lord’s guidance, the foundation was born in April 2023 and officially named Nations in Need (NIN). Recently in 2023 and 2024, the Lord took Pong, Kaylee, and three of our brothers, Ap, Peng, and Bay, on trips to Southeast Asia where they built relationships, served the communities, ministered to the people, and spread the good news about Jesus Christ. Today, NIN has branched into multiple communities in Southeast Asia. Through the work of a future center in Southeast Asia, we will expand NIN’s mission and go wherever the Lord leads.
Throughout my whole life God has carried me, even when I didn’t know it. From the Tai Dam little girl who was born in America and met Jesus in an Iowan church, to the woman who is now taking the hope of Christ back to Southeast Asia, His hand has been in every chapter of my story. Whether the next chapter is in America, Southeast Asia, or somewhere else, I will follow Christ, forever His new creation.
About the Author
Soukham Khanthavixay
Soukham Khanthavixay and her husband, Pong, are active members of Kingdom City Church in Des Moines, Iowa. They reside in Pleasant Hill, Iowa, with their three children and two dogs. Soukham is a registered nurse at a local county hospital and also works for Nations in Need (NIN), the ministry her husband founded. Her family and ministry team work together to expand the mission of NIN and spread the gospel. To learn more about Nations in Need, follow them on Facebook or Instagram: @nationsinneed.
Spirit and Truth Church began as a dream amidst the stormy backdrop of January 2021, during the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite the challenges that the world faced, we found ourselves thriving, anchored by the belief that God’s plans always prevail. As we say on our website, we are passionate about helping people “find freedom in the fullness” of both the Spirit and the Word. This foundational vision has carried us through times of uncertainty and propelled us forward.
Yet, for all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island—thriving, yes, but lacking the covering, coaching, counsel, and care that every church needs to flourish long term. In 2022, at the first MOVEMENT conference, God spoke directly to my heart, telling me that Spirit and Truth Church was meant to be part of the Open Bible Church family. This call was a turning point for our ministry. In 2023, I was credentialed through Open Bible Churches, and in February of this year (2024), we became officially affiliated with Open Bible Churches’ Mountain Plains region. Since then, the blessings have been immense.
For all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island.
Being part of Open Bible has been transformative for us. We have received so much investment, training, and support. Open Bible has helped us shore up essential aspects of our ministry: leadership, organization, staffing, budget, facilities, and more. Our growth has been remarkable—we’ve doubled in size, growing from 60 to 120 regular attendees in the past year. This growth, I believe, is a testament to both the godly covering of Open Bible and the Spirit-led outreaches we engage in. Our church has a culture of lifestyle evangelism and hospitality where all our members are witnesses and welcomers. In addition, we have forged strategic partnerships with other ministries.
One of the most exciting partnerships we have is with Every Heart Tours, a ministry led by fiery, Jesus-loving college students from Michigan. These students come to stay with us for a week at a time, engaging in outdoor worship outreaches and “prophetic treasure hunts.” If you’re unfamiliar with this term, a prophetic treasure hunt is an evangelistic practice where participants ask the Holy Spirit to reveal specific details about people they will meet, and then they go into the community to find these “treasures.” It’s a beautiful, Spirit-led adventure allowing us to partner with God and minister to people in our city in a unique way. We’ve seen so many lives touched and transformed through these treasure hunts.
What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people.
One of the most powerful testimonies from these outreaches happened this summer (2024). We had a team of prophetic ministers giving specific words to people as we worshipped in Fort Collins Old Town square. We preached the gospel boldly, and by the end of the night eleven people made the decision to be baptized! We walked down to the Poudre River and witnessed the supernatural power of God as they went under the water and came up renewed. It was a moment that felt like the early church, where “the Lord added to their number daily” (Acts 2:47 NIV).
Of course, ministry isn’t always easy. We’ve faced rejection and opposition. But we hold firm to the truth of Romans 1:16: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.” The harvest is plentiful, and we’ve seen this reality unfold before our eyes. As we continue to partner with ministries, step out in faith, and preach the gospel, we trust that God will continue to bring more people into His kingdom.
Our journey with Open Bible has been a testimony to God’s faithfulness. What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people. We remain committed to spreading the good news and making sure outreach and evangelism are at the heart of our ministry. The harvest is ready, Open Bible fam – let’s go bring it in!
About the Author
Rob Bray
Rob Bray is a marketplace and ministry leader with over a decade of experience in both business and church contexts. He is the founder and lead pastor of Spirit + Truth Church, an Open Bible Church in the Mountain Plains Region. Rob has catalyzed successful companies, grown healthy ministries, and spoken at influential conferences, workshops, and events. Rob’s expertise and passion have made him a trusted advisor and coach for leaders and entrepreneurs seeking breakthroughs in multiple areas including life, marriage, and business. Rob and his wife Bethany live on their homestead in Fort Collins, CO, with their six children: Nehemiah, Nora, Noelle, Neely, Nayla, and Nicholas. In their spare time, they enjoy hiking, paddle boarding, and snowboarding.
As we approach another election season, we find ourselves once again in an environment bringing tension, division, and uncertainty to people, including those within the Church. It is during times like this, however, that we as the Church can shine brightly. In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
The apostle Paul instructs us that “our citizenship is in heaven” (Phil. 3:20 NIV), and as followers of Christ, our ultimate allegiance is to God and His kingdom. While politics does have its importance and influence, it is reassuring to know our hope is not based upon human leaders or systems but in the Lord who reigns over all.
In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
There is no question that, as followers of Christ, we should engage in our civic duties with a kingdom-minded perspective and a biblical worldview. We vote, we pray for our leaders, we seek the welfare of our communities (Jer. 29:7), and we engage others with love. And as we do all of this, we hold to the truth that God’s sovereignty transcends the outcomes of elections.
In times that seem unstable or fragile, God’s Word tells us “we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken” (Heb.12:28). We serve an “unshakable kingdom.” Governments change, leaders come and go, and through it all, God’s kingdom remains. It is unshakable, eternal, and built upon His righteousness and justice. No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority. It is His church that holds the keys to unlock heaven on earth and bring light to the darkness.
Here is the reality we stand upon: It is God who “controls the course of world events; He removes kings and sets up other kings” (Dan. 2:21 NLT), and “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord” (Prov. 21:1 KJV).
Because of this truth, we can embrace Paul’s word to the Philippians: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7 NLT). Based on this passage, if we are a people of prayer who walk in faith, seek God’s wisdom, and are grateful, THEN we know we will experience a peace that goes beyond natural understanding. I am reminded, comforted, and convinced of this truth, and it is an anchor to my soul.
No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority.
This November’s election will be followed in December by the celebration of Christ’s birth. What a perfect time to remember that Jesus is Emmanuel – God with us. This name, given to Jesus, is more than just a title; it is a promise that no matter what happens around us, God’s presence is constant and unchanging.
Whether the outcome of the election brings joy or disappointment, whether policies align with your hopes or create concerns, remember Emmanuel – God is with us. He is present in our churches, in our communities, in our families, and in our lives. He is not distant or disconnected; He is personally and actively involved in the lives of His people. Whoever is elected and however people respond – God still sits on the throne, His Kingdom is unshakable, and His plans are unstoppable. GOD IS WITH US.
Some practical steps for consideration:
- Pray for our leaders, regardless of who they are: Pray for their wisdom, discernment, and a spirit of humility.
- Stay united as the body of Christ: Let a heart of unity, love, and the bond of peace be what others see.
- Keep an eternal perspective: Engage in the political process, but keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.
- Live out the things that will remain: faith, hope and love.
About the Author
Michael Nortune
Michael Nortune serves as president of Open Bible Churches. He has ministered in the local church faithfully for 35 years. From his start as a janitor and groundskeeper to lead pastor of Life Church in Concord, California, Michael has had the opportunity to gain experience in every capacity within the church throughout his ministry. Not only does he have hands-on experience on the local level, but Michael has also led at the district, regional, and national levels within Open Bible Churches. Michael and his wife Julie currently reside in Colorado and love living near five of their six children and their spouses. They also treasure the time they spend with their other daughter who lives in Alabama with their first (but not the last) grandson!
