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I Thought God Didn’t Want Me
By Harris Holsapple IV
[Para leer este artículo en español, haga clic aquí]
The Word of God says we can defeat the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, so I want to share my story. I have gone to church my whole life. In fact, my grandfather was a Methodist minister for thirty to forty years.
My family went to church; it was what we did. It wasn’t who we were. When I was in seventh and eighth grades, some of the leadership in our church hurt me deeply, leaving me feeling unloved. I thought, “If this is how church people treat me and they think I am a problem, then God must feel the same.” A seed of bitterness and anger took root in my heart. Our family ended up leaving that church hurt and broken.
When I was in ninth grade, we visited a Pentecostal church. There I heard a message about how Jesus takes us as we are and even loves us as we are. I thought, What? You take me as I am? That message of pure grace spoke to my heart, and I gave my life to Jesus. I’m not saying everything was suddenly wonderful, but that was the beginning of my faith journey.
Like most families, mine wasn’t perfect, but I grew up in a supportive home and I’m thankful for my family. But because of my hurt, I was full of anger. At a young age, I was exposed to pornography and became addicted for a long time. This addiction carried into my Bible college life and into my marriage. It caused even more situations with anger.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Like a weed with deep roots that keeps popping up, my anger kept resurfacing because I had not gotten to the root of my issue. My hands are full of scars from me punching things because I didn’t know how to handle my anger. I loved people, joked with people, talked a lot, but I was always angry, hurt, and broken inside.
I went into ministry right out of Bible college, got married, and moved 2,000 miles away, from Oregon to the Midwest. I thought because I was in ministry, I had to say yes to everything, to do everything. I worked day and night. I said yes to everyone else, but no to my wife, Sarah. It wasn’t until years later that I would realize I needed to stop trying to be Jesus and start pointing people to Jesus. I needed to stop trying to be the Savior and instead lead others to the Savior. I was in a very lonely, hard place. Then two years into my marriage and ministry, my anger got me arrested, and I went to jail July 3, 2006.
The next day, Independence Day, offices were closed, so I had to spend two nights in jail before facing a judge. I was forced to think about what I had done and where my life was. After I was released, I realized I had lost my ministry, my job, and maybe my wife. I remember crawling underneath the dining room table in a fetal position, all alone, two thousand miles away from my family and everything I grew up with, feeling like a total failure.
The accuser of our souls kept repeating the phrase, “Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done!” I felt a darkness over me, and I had a choice to make: give up on the call God placed on my life or fight for it. It felt like I was at a “T” in my life. I could go down a dark path or choose a path that would be hard, but one where I would be following Jesus. At that moment underneath that table, I surrendered my life, my addictions, and my anger to God. I haven’t dealt with anger since July 3, 2006.
Most things were restored, but I was still hurt. The devil kept lying to me, saying, “You’ve lost the ministry. You’ve disappointed a lot of people. God doesn’t want to use you. You’re a mess-up.”
We moved from Illinois into my father-in-law’s home in Arkansas, trying to get back on our feet. I was able to find work at a Fortune 500 company full time, so that was a huge blessing, and God kept blessing me with promotions at work. Eventually people encouraged Sarah and me to get back into ministry, but we knew we weren’t ready until a few years later when we decided to go into ministry part time as youth pastors. However, when a new pastor was hired to lead our church, he didn’t like some of the stuff I was doing or saying. My calling came into question, and the other leaders’ confidence in me disappeared.
The devil took advantage of the situation and said, “See, I told you.” I was so hurt, I ended up leaving the church.
Sarah started attending another Pentecostal church she had found, but I wouldn’t go. I felt like God was ashamed of me. Thankfully, my wife didn’t give up. She kept asking me to go with her to church. Finally, I relented and went, but I sat clear in the back. A few weeks later, an evangelist who operated in the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge spoke at our church. I hadn’t seen anything like this and thought it was crazy.
Yet in the middle of his sermon, the evangelist called me out, saying, “You in the back wearing such-and-such color shirt.”
After looking around, I realized he was talking to me!
“The enemy has been lying to you,” he said. “And all those things that have been spoken over you and said to you and things you believe are a lie. You have been called into ministry. God has a call on your life, and He is calling you back.”
The speaker quickly moved on and kept preaching, but I was wrecked. I couldn’t believe God loved me enough to find me in a room of four hundred people, call me out, and say, “You do have a call.”
At that moment I truly followed Jesus with ALL I was. A few months later I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and filled with His power. God has been the difference in my life.
Sarah and I soon moved to Iowa where I became a youth pastor and eventually would become a lead pastor. My wife and I have been married nearly 18 years, and we have two beautiful children. God is using us in spite of me because Jesus is the difference. I am thankful for what Jesus has done and thankful for the resurrection. Trust me, I would be the last one to say, “I’m going to stand up and preach in front of a bunch of people” because the enemy tells me I am not worthy. But it’s God working through me who is worthy.
God also wants to make you whole, heal you, and set you free. If you would like that, pray this prayer with me.
Lord Jesus, I admit I am a sinner and need a Savior. The Bible says that if I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead I will be saved. Lord, forgive me of my sins. I believe You are the Savior. Be the Savior, be the difference in my life. Amen.
This journey has been hard, but it’s been amazing. Jesus is the difference!
About the Author
Harris Holsapple IV is the lead pastor at First Open Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He leads the church with fresh vision, excitement, passion, and creative ideas so they can win Cedar Rapids and the surrounding areas for Christ. Pastor Harris has a heart to see lives transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit and to see people experience new life. He and his wife, Sarah, have two beautiful children.
Spirit and Truth Church began as a dream amidst the stormy backdrop of January 2021, during the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite the challenges that the world faced, we found ourselves thriving, anchored by the belief that God’s plans always prevail. As we say on our website, we are passionate about helping people “find freedom in the fullness” of both the Spirit and the Word. This foundational vision has carried us through times of uncertainty and propelled us forward.
Yet, for all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island—thriving, yes, but lacking the covering, coaching, counsel, and care that every church needs to flourish long term. In 2022, at the first MOVEMENT conference, God spoke directly to my heart, telling me that Spirit and Truth Church was meant to be part of the Open Bible Church family. This call was a turning point for our ministry. In 2023, I was credentialed through Open Bible Churches, and in February of this year (2024), we became officially affiliated with Open Bible Churches’ Mountain Plains region. Since then, the blessings have been immense.
For all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island.
Being part of Open Bible has been transformative for us. We have received so much investment, training, and support. Open Bible has helped us shore up essential aspects of our ministry: leadership, organization, staffing, budget, facilities, and more. Our growth has been remarkable—we’ve doubled in size, growing from 60 to 120 regular attendees in the past year. This growth, I believe, is a testament to both the godly covering of Open Bible and the Spirit-led outreaches we engage in. Our church has a culture of lifestyle evangelism and hospitality where all our members are witnesses and welcomers. In addition, we have forged strategic partnerships with other ministries.
One of the most exciting partnerships we have is with Every Heart Tours, a ministry led by fiery, Jesus-loving college students from Michigan. These students come to stay with us for a week at a time, engaging in outdoor worship outreaches and “prophetic treasure hunts.” If you’re unfamiliar with this term, a prophetic treasure hunt is an evangelistic practice where participants ask the Holy Spirit to reveal specific details about people they will meet, and then they go into the community to find these “treasures.” It’s a beautiful, Spirit-led adventure allowing us to partner with God and minister to people in our city in a unique way. We’ve seen so many lives touched and transformed through these treasure hunts.
What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people.
One of the most powerful testimonies from these outreaches happened this summer (2024). We had a team of prophetic ministers giving specific words to people as we worshipped in Fort Collins Old Town square. We preached the gospel boldly, and by the end of the night eleven people made the decision to be baptized! We walked down to the Poudre River and witnessed the supernatural power of God as they went under the water and came up renewed. It was a moment that felt like the early church, where “the Lord added to their number daily” (Acts 2:47 NIV).
Of course, ministry isn’t always easy. We’ve faced rejection and opposition. But we hold firm to the truth of Romans 1:16: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.” The harvest is plentiful, and we’ve seen this reality unfold before our eyes. As we continue to partner with ministries, step out in faith, and preach the gospel, we trust that God will continue to bring more people into His kingdom.
Our journey with Open Bible has been a testimony to God’s faithfulness. What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people. We remain committed to spreading the good news and making sure outreach and evangelism are at the heart of our ministry. The harvest is ready, Open Bible fam – let’s go bring it in!
About the Author
Rob Bray
Rob Bray is a marketplace and ministry leader with over a decade of experience in both business and church contexts. He is the founder and lead pastor of Spirit + Truth Church, an Open Bible Church in the Mountain Plains Region. Rob has catalyzed successful companies, grown healthy ministries, and spoken at influential conferences, workshops, and events. Rob’s expertise and passion have made him a trusted advisor and coach for leaders and entrepreneurs seeking breakthroughs in multiple areas including life, marriage, and business. Rob and his wife Bethany live on their homestead in Fort Collins, CO, with their six children: Nehemiah, Nora, Noelle, Neely, Nayla, and Nicholas. In their spare time, they enjoy hiking, paddle boarding, and snowboarding.
As we approach another election season, we find ourselves once again in an environment bringing tension, division, and uncertainty to people, including those within the Church. It is during times like this, however, that we as the Church can shine brightly. In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
The apostle Paul instructs us that “our citizenship is in heaven” (Phil. 3:20 NIV), and as followers of Christ, our ultimate allegiance is to God and His kingdom. While politics does have its importance and influence, it is reassuring to know our hope is not based upon human leaders or systems but in the Lord who reigns over all.
In the face of debates, advertisements, and news that may stir anxiety, we have a divine opportunity to anchor people to the unchanging hope of Christ.
There is no question that, as followers of Christ, we should engage in our civic duties with a kingdom-minded perspective and a biblical worldview. We vote, we pray for our leaders, we seek the welfare of our communities (Jer. 29:7), and we engage others with love. And as we do all of this, we hold to the truth that God’s sovereignty transcends the outcomes of elections.
In times that seem unstable or fragile, God’s Word tells us “we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken” (Heb.12:28). We serve an “unshakable kingdom.” Governments change, leaders come and go, and through it all, God’s kingdom remains. It is unshakable, eternal, and built upon His righteousness and justice. No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority. It is His church that holds the keys to unlock heaven on earth and bring light to the darkness.
Here is the reality we stand upon: It is God who “controls the course of world events; He removes kings and sets up other kings” (Dan. 2:21 NLT), and “the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord” (Prov. 21:1 KJV).
Because of this truth, we can embrace Paul’s word to the Philippians: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7 NLT). Based on this passage, if we are a people of prayer who walk in faith, seek God’s wisdom, and are grateful, THEN we know we will experience a peace that goes beyond natural understanding. I am reminded, comforted, and convinced of this truth, and it is an anchor to my soul.
No election can alter the reality of God’s sovereignty nor shake the foundation of His authority.
This November’s election will be followed in December by the celebration of Christ’s birth. What a perfect time to remember that Jesus is Emmanuel – God with us. This name, given to Jesus, is more than just a title; it is a promise that no matter what happens around us, God’s presence is constant and unchanging.
Whether the outcome of the election brings joy or disappointment, whether policies align with your hopes or create concerns, remember Emmanuel – God is with us. He is present in our churches, in our communities, in our families, and in our lives. He is not distant or disconnected; He is personally and actively involved in the lives of His people. Whoever is elected and however people respond – God still sits on the throne, His Kingdom is unshakable, and His plans are unstoppable. GOD IS WITH US.
Some practical steps for consideration:
- Pray for our leaders, regardless of who they are: Pray for their wisdom, discernment, and a spirit of humility.
- Stay united as the body of Christ: Let a heart of unity, love, and the bond of peace be what others see.
- Keep an eternal perspective: Engage in the political process, but keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.
- Live out the things that will remain: faith, hope and love.
About the Author
Michael Nortune
Michael Nortune serves as president of Open Bible Churches. He has ministered in the local church faithfully for 35 years. From his start as a janitor and groundskeeper to lead pastor of Life Church in Concord, California, Michael has had the opportunity to gain experience in every capacity within the church throughout his ministry. Not only does he have hands-on experience on the local level, but Michael has also led at the district, regional, and national levels within Open Bible Churches. Michael and his wife Julie currently reside in Colorado and love living near five of their six children and their spouses. They also treasure the time they spend with their other daughter who lives in Alabama with their first (but not the last) grandson!
Church planting isn’t for the faint of heart. All church plants require faith, but it takes a special kind of crazy to “parachute plant,” where church planters “parachute” into a new place, starting from nothing with few resources or contacts. After seven years of pouring our hearts and souls into CityLife Church, a parachute church plant in Wilmington, North Carolina, my husband Mike and I were pretty certain God was calling us to do something different. We genuinely believed God was calling us into missions. In hindsight, I guess He was – just not in the way we pictured it.
This time, our “yes” led us into what was at that time the murder capital of America.
Neither one of us had a desire to plant another church, but the thought of doing something new was exciting to us. So, towards the end of our tenure at CityLife, we let the stirring of something new brew within us even though we had no idea what was coming.
During this season, a couple of things happened that God used to speak to our hearts. The Vanartsdalens, close friends of ours at CityLife, came to us with the news that they were moving to help plant another church within Open Bible (read more about their story HERE). As we celebrated what God was doing with our friends, it reignited a feeling within us that we had forgotten. (Never underestimate how your “yes” might affect someone else’s!) That feeling was the excitement and spiritual rush that comes with church planting. Neither Mike nor I expected to feel this again, and we were surprised to find the desire in our hearts to plant another church.
Everything changed after a conversation with our Open Bible Regional Director, Nathan Hagan. When we shared our initial desire with him, he began to brainstorm some different options for us to consider. One idea jumped out to both of us: “If you guys were interested in planting another church in the region, maybe it could be someplace like New Orleans.” Nathan mentioned other places, but the only one we remembered is the one that stuck to our hearts like glue. New Orleans: the word was spoken, and the Spirit responded!
Mike and I decided early on in our marriage that whatever God called us to do, we would say yes. This time, our “yes” led us into what was at that time the murder capital of America: New Orleans, Louisiana. It is extremely hard to uproot your family and your life and move hundreds of miles away to a place where there are no family, friends, or security. Despite these challenges, we sold many of our possessions, took what we could in a truck and trailer, and headed off into the unknown!
As soon as we put boots on the ground, we quickly realized that this city, this plant, and this call would be different from anything we had ever done. Almost immediately after moving, we were met with a triple homicide four houses down from ours, I was violently robbed at gunpoint, and our kids had a gun pulled on them while playing outside in our neighborhood. We faced circumstances that most people assumed we would run from, but when you know the Lord has called you to a land, you must trust that He will protect and prosper you in that land. Suffering is part of the calling; if we aren’t willing to suffer for the calling, we won’t partake of its full blessing. “But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:13).
To rewind just a bit, when we knew for sure that we were moving, Mike sat our kids down and had them help compile a dream/prayer list of people we’d love to have on our team. Some on the list were Spirit-led, some were hopefuls, but all of them were people we thought might be crazy enough to consider moving with us!
Back before we’d moved to North Carolina for our first church plant, we had told our friends Greg and Tina that we felt they were supposed to come with us. I think Greg laughed at Mike when we first shared this, but they are now the pastors at CityLife! In similar fashion, we had another friend couple in Ohio that we video chatted with as we prepared to plant in New Orleans. We shared the news of where we were moving then asked them to pray about joining us. They agreed to pray, but I’m certain they thought we were crazy!
We faced circumstances that most people assumed we would run from, but when you know the Lord has called you to a land, you must trust that He will protect and prosper you in that land.
It’s amazing to see how God works in lives, stirring people’s hearts to be part of things that take an incredible amount of faith. Here we are two years later, and Pastor Eric and Lindsay Baker are in New Orleans with us putting their hands to the plow! They moved from a one-light farm town to one of the wildest cities in the world. They and their seven kids gave their “yes” to the Lord, leaving everything they had ever known. They have had their car stolen twice, and yet here they remain. In addition to the Bakers, God sent us another person from our dream list without us even having to ask; Mike’s mom, Lynne, joined the team and lives right next door to us now!
Fast forward to present day: we are so excited to see what God is doing at OHR City Church! “Ohr” is the Hebrew word for “light,” and it also means “to bring order amid chaos” (so fitting for this city!). Almost nothing has gone how we thought it would here, yet we believe everything is going exactly how God designed it.
We are currently meeting every Sunday night in our house where we eat, worship, dream, pray, and study the word of God together. While the adults meet in our house, the kids go to Momma Lynne’s house next door! Our team is growing, and we are all becoming a family. None of us knows exactly where the Lord is taking us yet, but everyone is on board to find out!
If you feel God calling you to something, I encourage you to step out in faith and give God your “yes”!
*Want to read more from Mike and Cala Dickey? Read their related article: Five Ways to Support Church Planting
About the Author
Cala Dickey
Mike and Cala Dickey are the lead pastors at the Southeast Region of Open Bible’s newest church plant, OHR City Church, in New Orleans, Louisiana. Before heading down to the bayou, Mike and Cala planted CityLife Church in Wilmington, North Carolina. They are passionate about pioneering and planting churches in areas that desperately need Jesus. The Dickey family is excited for what God is doing through OHR City Church in New Orleans! To learn more, visit Ohrcc.com.
