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I Thought God Didn’t Want Me
By Harris Holsapple IV
[Para leer este artículo en español, haga clic aquí]
The Word of God says we can defeat the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, so I want to share my story. I have gone to church my whole life. In fact, my grandfather was a Methodist minister for thirty to forty years.
My family went to church; it was what we did. It wasn’t who we were. When I was in seventh and eighth grades, some of the leadership in our church hurt me deeply, leaving me feeling unloved. I thought, “If this is how church people treat me and they think I am a problem, then God must feel the same.” A seed of bitterness and anger took root in my heart. Our family ended up leaving that church hurt and broken.
When I was in ninth grade, we visited a Pentecostal church. There I heard a message about how Jesus takes us as we are and even loves us as we are. I thought, What? You take me as I am? That message of pure grace spoke to my heart, and I gave my life to Jesus. I’m not saying everything was suddenly wonderful, but that was the beginning of my faith journey.
Like most families, mine wasn’t perfect, but I grew up in a supportive home and I’m thankful for my family. But because of my hurt, I was full of anger. At a young age, I was exposed to pornography and became addicted for a long time. This addiction carried into my Bible college life and into my marriage. It caused even more situations with anger.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Like a weed with deep roots that keeps popping up, my anger kept resurfacing because I had not gotten to the root of my issue. My hands are full of scars from me punching things because I didn’t know how to handle my anger. I loved people, joked with people, talked a lot, but I was always angry, hurt, and broken inside.
I went into ministry right out of Bible college, got married, and moved 2,000 miles away, from Oregon to the Midwest. I thought because I was in ministry, I had to say yes to everything, to do everything. I worked day and night. I said yes to everyone else, but no to my wife, Sarah. It wasn’t until years later that I would realize I needed to stop trying to be Jesus and start pointing people to Jesus. I needed to stop trying to be the Savior and instead lead others to the Savior. I was in a very lonely, hard place. Then two years into my marriage and ministry, my anger got me arrested, and I went to jail July 3, 2006.
The next day, Independence Day, offices were closed, so I had to spend two nights in jail before facing a judge. I was forced to think about what I had done and where my life was. After I was released, I realized I had lost my ministry, my job, and maybe my wife. I remember crawling underneath the dining room table in a fetal position, all alone, two thousand miles away from my family and everything I grew up with, feeling like a total failure.
The accuser of our souls kept repeating the phrase, “Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done!” I felt a darkness over me, and I had a choice to make: give up on the call God placed on my life or fight for it. It felt like I was at a “T” in my life. I could go down a dark path or choose a path that would be hard, but one where I would be following Jesus. At that moment underneath that table, I surrendered my life, my addictions, and my anger to God. I haven’t dealt with anger since July 3, 2006.
Most things were restored, but I was still hurt. The devil kept lying to me, saying, “You’ve lost the ministry. You’ve disappointed a lot of people. God doesn’t want to use you. You’re a mess-up.”
We moved from Illinois into my father-in-law’s home in Arkansas, trying to get back on our feet. I was able to find work at a Fortune 500 company full time, so that was a huge blessing, and God kept blessing me with promotions at work. Eventually people encouraged Sarah and me to get back into ministry, but we knew we weren’t ready until a few years later when we decided to go into ministry part time as youth pastors. However, when a new pastor was hired to lead our church, he didn’t like some of the stuff I was doing or saying. My calling came into question, and the other leaders’ confidence in me disappeared.
The devil took advantage of the situation and said, “See, I told you.” I was so hurt, I ended up leaving the church.
Sarah started attending another Pentecostal church she had found, but I wouldn’t go. I felt like God was ashamed of me. Thankfully, my wife didn’t give up. She kept asking me to go with her to church. Finally, I relented and went, but I sat clear in the back. A few weeks later, an evangelist who operated in the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge spoke at our church. I hadn’t seen anything like this and thought it was crazy.
Yet in the middle of his sermon, the evangelist called me out, saying, “You in the back wearing such-and-such color shirt.”
After looking around, I realized he was talking to me!
“The enemy has been lying to you,” he said. “And all those things that have been spoken over you and said to you and things you believe are a lie. You have been called into ministry. God has a call on your life, and He is calling you back.”
The speaker quickly moved on and kept preaching, but I was wrecked. I couldn’t believe God loved me enough to find me in a room of four hundred people, call me out, and say, “You do have a call.”
At that moment I truly followed Jesus with ALL I was. A few months later I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and filled with His power. God has been the difference in my life.
Sarah and I soon moved to Iowa where I became a youth pastor and eventually would become a lead pastor. My wife and I have been married nearly 18 years, and we have two beautiful children. God is using us in spite of me because Jesus is the difference. I am thankful for what Jesus has done and thankful for the resurrection. Trust me, I would be the last one to say, “I’m going to stand up and preach in front of a bunch of people” because the enemy tells me I am not worthy. But it’s God working through me who is worthy.
God also wants to make you whole, heal you, and set you free. If you would like that, pray this prayer with me.
Lord Jesus, I admit I am a sinner and need a Savior. The Bible says that if I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead I will be saved. Lord, forgive me of my sins. I believe You are the Savior. Be the Savior, be the difference in my life. Amen.
This journey has been hard, but it’s been amazing. Jesus is the difference!
About the Author
Harris Holsapple IV is the lead pastor at First Open Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He leads the church with fresh vision, excitement, passion, and creative ideas so they can win Cedar Rapids and the surrounding areas for Christ. Pastor Harris has a heart to see lives transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit and to see people experience new life. He and his wife, Sarah, have two beautiful children.
Living and serving in a foreign land involves adjusting to new cultures, languages, and realities. Over my thirty years as a missionary, I’ve faced these challenges in multiple countries and languages. Yet, none of my experiences could have prepared me for the realities of war—its impact on life, ministry, and faith.
I had lived in Ukraine full time for thirteen years when the initial invasion occurred in 2014. The conflict was terrifying but distant from me; over time, I learned to navigate the stress of the threat of violence and the uncertainty that seemed to linger everywhere. But everything changed on February 23, 2022, with the full-scale invasion. Ukraine entered a dark chapter with an unknowable future, and so did I.
… everything changed on February 23, 2022, with the full-scale invasion. Ukraine entered a dark chapter with an unknowable future, and so did I
I spent the first few months of war in the United States. While physically “safe,” my heart remained with Ukraine. I wanted to be with the INSTE community, neighbors, and other loved ones who had become my family, not just because of my love and concern for them but because there is power in presence; there is a powerful ministry of simply being with others in their suffering. Just as God promises in Psalm 91:15 (NIV), “I will be with him in trouble,” I felt compelled to personify that presence for Ukrainians.
Returning to Ukraine in October 2022 meant facing new unsettling realities. Air raid sirens, missile strikes, and weaponized drones are part of daily life. Psalm 91:5 promises, “You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,” yet living this truth is challenging. In 2024, attack drones or missiles filled Ukrainian skies every single day and night. Fear is a natural response to danger, yet courage is trusting God despite fear. For me, each step forward, even with a lump in my throat, is an act of faith.
Psalm 91’s promise that God is “with us in trouble” anchors me, helping reconcile the tension between “not fearing” and “doing things afraid.” Fear doesn’t disqualify us from obedience; it’s often the very place where we find God’s will and experience His presence in profound ways.
My main ministry has always been equipping leaders through INSTE Global Bible College, but my focus has shifted during the war. In this season the Lord has allowed me to minister to humanitarian needs of Ukrainians with the help of Open Bible sponsors and a wide network of friends and ministry partners. For independent teen orphans, we’ve provided power banks and lamps for long nights without electricity.
Other times, we’ve purchased medicine for sick neighbors and helped seniors pay for medical procedures. For those along the frontlines, we’ve sent financial aid, clothing, and prayers. We have also translated, printed, and distributed thousands of booklets that teach how to deal with PTSD.
While others deliver large-scale humanitarian aid, my role is one of smaller, personal acts of kindness. In the market, I look for “Holy Spirit nudges” and find struggling grandmothers to bless with money for food, blessing them and reminding them that God sees their need. Each of these actions, though small, serves as a tangible reminder of God’s love and light in dark times.
The human cost of war is staggering. Food insecurity, disrupted education systems, and loss of electricity are all daily problems. Families have been displaced and torn apart, some with children attending school in other countries, others with family members on the frontlines, missing in action, prisoners of war, or buried in a grave. Communities have been shattered and the trajectory of so many lives forever altered. Over the years we have had thousands of INSTE students throughout Ukraine; many of their lives have been dramatically changed by this war.
I witness incredible resilience in the defenders who are outnumbered and outgunned on the front lines, the mothers holding families together, and the children navigating unimaginable loss
Despite this, I witness incredible resilience in the defenders who are outnumbered and outgunned on the front lines, the mothers holding families together, and the children navigating unimaginable loss, including a normal childhood. Their resilience reflects the truth that God has not abandoned them. In their stories, I see glimmers of hope – reminders that even in the darkest times, Light shines. Their resilience inspires me.
It has been difficult to deal with the capture of my godson, Max, a nineteen-year-old soldier, by enemy forces. The pain of not knowing his fate is immense. We pray for his soul. Every Ukrainian has their “Max,” someone whose unknown future brings unbearable heartache.
As I reflect on these years of war, I’m reminded of how deeply it has reshaped my life, my understanding of compassion, and my faith. War has tested me in ways I never expected, but it has also deepened my faith.
Psalm 91 continues to be a comfort: not a promise of an easy way, but of God’s presence. It is in His refuge that I find strength to minister and to believe for His promises. And it is there, even in wartime, that I have found God’s refuge.
About the Author
Tammy Swailes
Tammy Swailes is passionate about cross-cultural Christian education, so working with INSTE Bible College to disciple and equip leaders throughout Europe and beyond is a great fit! Tammy has lived in Europe since 1999 – first in Hungary and now Ukraine. Before that, she was in Japan, as well as Spokane, Washington. She now serves as INSTE regional director in Europe, assisting INSTE programs in five languages. Tammy has her undergraduate degrees in both Missions and Christian Education, and a MA in Intercultural Studies. Photography, good coffee, multi-cultural experiences, and the family’s Yorkie are some of Tammy’s favorite things.
The diaspora of the Tai Dam refugees in 1975 to Des Moines, Iowa, fueled a first generation of Tai Dam Americans adapting to new ways of life, blending language, culture, and embracing the numerous opportunities in the US. I was part of that first generation. Three years after my parents’ settlement in Iowa, I was born and became the first in my family to acquire an American education and step into a church. We were blessed to have Christian sponsors who helped us transition from our homeland to America.
Every Sunday, our sponsors would take me, my sister, and several of my cousins to church service at the First Church of the Open Bible. Naomi Young was one of the many people who was significant in my life; she gave me my first Bible. Through the faithfulness of Naomi and others at the church, seeds of faith were planted as I was told about a man named Jesus who died on the cross for me. I was curious, but I did not understand and did not accept Him into my life at that time. Attending church was short-lived, coming to a halt when I was eight years old. The seed that was planted in me could not grow because it was never nourished with Truth at home. My parents and grandmother believed and practiced animism and ancestral worship, which is the veneration and honoring of the dead. Confusion infiltrated my mind, and my desire to attend church ceased. While I abandoned everything that was taught to me in Sunday school, I always kept my Bible in a special place underneath my pillow because something in my heart could not throw it away.
The seed that was planted in me could not grow because it was never nourished with Truth at home.
When I was twenty-two years old, my cousin took me to a Buddhist temple to have my fortune read. There, sitting in front of me, were three monks. One monk opened his notebook, wrote in it, then read to me my childhood, present life, and future life story up to the time I would turn thirty years old. He then shut his notebook and told me, “I am done.” When I asked him, “Why?” he told me only, “I cannot read you anymore.” That same week I went to a card reader and had my fortune read. Again, he read my childhood, present life, and up to the age I would be thirty, then stopped. I told him, “You are the second person that could not read me past thirty; tell me – do I die?” He quickly gathered his cards, saying only, “I cannot tell you.”
Throughout my adult life in my twenties, I was in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, which led to an alcohol addiction. When I was twenty-six, I became pregnant and had my daughter, Kaylee, on January 31, 2005. God was already working in my life, and I did not know it; He was molding me and reminding me of who He was through the darkest moments of my life. Around that time, I came upon a childhood friend who worked as a cashier at Hy-Vee; she would tell me, “Soukham, God is so good.” Though I resisted, the words she spoke over me resonated in my heart. Not long after, I found myself attending her funeral. Worship and praise were included in the Christian service. I was confused, but a part of me had the desire to know more about the God they said was so good and how through Him there would be no more pain and suffering. When I left the funeral, the Lord continued to reveal Himself to me through divine encounters. In July of 2008, I took a position at Nationwide Insurance where I reconnected with an old high school friend. She invited me to a Thanksgiving potluck at her church, and my walk with the Lord began soon after.
From the Tai Dam little girl who was born in America and met Jesus in an Iowan church, to the woman who is now taking the hope of Christ back to Southeast Asia, His hand has been in every chapter of my story.
I was thirty years old when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The verse that will remain with me forever is 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (NIV).
Now I understand why the monk and card reader could not read my life past the age of thirty. At that age, I became a new creation because of Jesus Christ, and the enemy no longer had a hold on me! Jesus continued to bless me and my daughter. Amid my pain and struggles, God brought a man into my life, my husband Othone (Pong), who became a father to Kaylee. We got married on September 15, 2010. Together the Lord blessed us with two more children, Isaac and Silas. In 2017, the Lord called us to serve in Iowa at Kingdom Life Church (now Kingdom City Church).
In November 2021, the Lord instilled in Pong’s heart a dream to build a charitable foundation to address needs in the vulnerable communities of Southeast Asia. The foundation would have a Christ-centered vision: to make and equip future disciples, providing them with sustainable resources and empowering them to advance beyond their current situation. Through continuous prayer and the Lord’s guidance, the foundation was born in April 2023 and officially named Nations in Need (NIN). Recently in 2023 and 2024, the Lord took Pong, Kaylee, and three of our brothers, Ap, Peng, and Bay, on trips to Southeast Asia where they built relationships, served the communities, ministered to the people, and spread the good news about Jesus Christ. Today, NIN has branched into multiple communities in Southeast Asia. Through the work of a future center in Southeast Asia, we will expand NIN’s mission and go wherever the Lord leads.
Throughout my whole life God has carried me, even when I didn’t know it. From the Tai Dam little girl who was born in America and met Jesus in an Iowan church, to the woman who is now taking the hope of Christ back to Southeast Asia, His hand has been in every chapter of my story. Whether the next chapter is in America, Southeast Asia, or somewhere else, I will follow Christ, forever His new creation.
About the Author
Soukham Khanthavixay
Soukham Khanthavixay and her husband, Pong, are active members of Kingdom City Church in Des Moines, Iowa. They reside in Pleasant Hill, Iowa, with their three children and two dogs. Soukham is a registered nurse at a local county hospital and also works for Nations in Need (NIN), the ministry her husband founded. Her family and ministry team work together to expand the mission of NIN and spread the gospel. To learn more about Nations in Need, follow them on Facebook or Instagram: @nationsinneed.
Spirit and Truth Church began as a dream amidst the stormy backdrop of January 2021, during the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite the challenges that the world faced, we found ourselves thriving, anchored by the belief that God’s plans always prevail. As we say on our website, we are passionate about helping people “find freedom in the fullness” of both the Spirit and the Word. This foundational vision has carried us through times of uncertainty and propelled us forward.
Yet, for all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island—thriving, yes, but lacking the covering, coaching, counsel, and care that every church needs to flourish long term. In 2022, at the first MOVEMENT conference, God spoke directly to my heart, telling me that Spirit and Truth Church was meant to be part of the Open Bible Church family. This call was a turning point for our ministry. In 2023, I was credentialed through Open Bible Churches, and in February of this year (2024), we became officially affiliated with Open Bible Churches’ Mountain Plains region. Since then, the blessings have been immense.
For all our successes, we reached a point where we felt like we were on an island.
Being part of Open Bible has been transformative for us. We have received so much investment, training, and support. Open Bible has helped us shore up essential aspects of our ministry: leadership, organization, staffing, budget, facilities, and more. Our growth has been remarkable—we’ve doubled in size, growing from 60 to 120 regular attendees in the past year. This growth, I believe, is a testament to both the godly covering of Open Bible and the Spirit-led outreaches we engage in. Our church has a culture of lifestyle evangelism and hospitality where all our members are witnesses and welcomers. In addition, we have forged strategic partnerships with other ministries.
One of the most exciting partnerships we have is with Every Heart Tours, a ministry led by fiery, Jesus-loving college students from Michigan. These students come to stay with us for a week at a time, engaging in outdoor worship outreaches and “prophetic treasure hunts.” If you’re unfamiliar with this term, a prophetic treasure hunt is an evangelistic practice where participants ask the Holy Spirit to reveal specific details about people they will meet, and then they go into the community to find these “treasures.” It’s a beautiful, Spirit-led adventure allowing us to partner with God and minister to people in our city in a unique way. We’ve seen so many lives touched and transformed through these treasure hunts.
What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people.
One of the most powerful testimonies from these outreaches happened this summer (2024). We had a team of prophetic ministers giving specific words to people as we worshipped in Fort Collins Old Town square. We preached the gospel boldly, and by the end of the night eleven people made the decision to be baptized! We walked down to the Poudre River and witnessed the supernatural power of God as they went under the water and came up renewed. It was a moment that felt like the early church, where “the Lord added to their number daily” (Acts 2:47 NIV).
Of course, ministry isn’t always easy. We’ve faced rejection and opposition. But we hold firm to the truth of Romans 1:16: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.” The harvest is plentiful, and we’ve seen this reality unfold before our eyes. As we continue to partner with ministries, step out in faith, and preach the gospel, we trust that God will continue to bring more people into His kingdom.
Our journey with Open Bible has been a testimony to God’s faithfulness. What started as a small church plant in Northern Colorado has since grown into a vibrant community reflecting the heart of God for His people. We remain committed to spreading the good news and making sure outreach and evangelism are at the heart of our ministry. The harvest is ready, Open Bible fam – let’s go bring it in!
About the Author
Rob Bray
Rob Bray is a marketplace and ministry leader with over a decade of experience in both business and church contexts. He is the founder and lead pastor of Spirit + Truth Church, an Open Bible Church in the Mountain Plains Region. Rob has catalyzed successful companies, grown healthy ministries, and spoken at influential conferences, workshops, and events. Rob’s expertise and passion have made him a trusted advisor and coach for leaders and entrepreneurs seeking breakthroughs in multiple areas including life, marriage, and business. Rob and his wife Bethany live on their homestead in Fort Collins, CO, with their six children: Nehemiah, Nora, Noelle, Neely, Nayla, and Nicholas. In their spare time, they enjoy hiking, paddle boarding, and snowboarding.
