5 Things
Five Ways to be an Authentic Listener
By Jessica Sanford
Recently, I was asked the question “What surprises me most about people?” I responded, “It’s been my experience that most people simply want to know you care – that you were willing to take the time to truly listen.”
Notice I did not say “that you were willing to take the time to try to ‘fix them’ or to ‘solve all their problems’ or to engage in ever-so-helpful ‘telling.’” None of these things, no matter how well-intended, convey we care. (In fact, they generally have the opposite effect.)
Conveying that we care starts with a willingness to listen more and talk less. And lest you think this is something I simply made up on the fly, this idea seems to be a biblical principle as well. James instructs us: “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:10, NLT). King Solomon put it like this: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to be quiet and a time to speak” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7). It is not that we never speak (that would be a little awkward), but it is important to know when to speak and when to listen.
We complicate things when we get the order wrong.
I am convinced that connecting each of us is an innate desire to be fully heard and to know with certainty that what is in our heart matters to the person on the other side of the conversation. Imagine how many relationships could benefit from both parties adopting a listening posture!
Authentic listening is powerful; it brings life; it brings healing; it deepens intimacy and strengthens connection. And it is a gift we all can give.
Since I am a quieter and a naturally curious person, listening has always tended to be my first impulse. I am genuinely fascinated by people’s stories (and much prefer hearing others’ experiences over sharing my own). However, as I have come to learn, listening simply for “listening’s sake” is not the same thing as being an authentic, active, engaged, heart-level listener. In our conversations, it is entirely possible to hear every word being spoken but walk away having heard nothing at all. Authentic listening is a skill that must be cultivated and developed.
True, authentic listening
Is not distracted.
Is compassionate.
Is others-focused.
Does not need to be right.
Is humble and non-defensive.
Listens for understanding and not necessarily agreement.
Can lay aside self-preoccupation in order to see things from the other person’s perspective.
This kind of listening is hard and, sadly, far too uncommon. Listening on this kind of level is something I have had to learn and develop over time – and I am still learning!
This kind of listening is impossible in our own strength. We will need the resourcing of the Holy Spirit to help us with this. Perhaps you want to become a better listener as well?
Here are five ways to cultivate an authentic, active listening posture:
- Resolve to be fully present. Set aside any distractions. Put down your phone. Turn off the T.V. Let others know you are not to be disturbed – whatever it takes to be fully engaged. This simple step communicates: You matter! You are important to me. (Nothing is more off-putting than feeling like you are having to compete for someone else’s attention.) Tip: The dinner table is a great opportunity to practice distraction-free, device-free listening.
- Do not presume to know what is in the other person’s heart; instead, be a safe place for them to share their heart. Before people will let us see inside their heart, they first need to know they can trust us with it. The truth is, we do not fully know what someone else is walking through, and to pretend we do is naive at best and arrogant at worst. I saw a quote recently that struck me: “Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” If I had to guess, I would say there are a fair number of people carrying some pretty heavy loads. People are more fragile than we may realize, so let’s be careful with their hearts.
- Trust the Holy Spirit to guide the conversation. I used to put a great deal of pressure on myself to have just the “right” thing to say to someone while the Holy Spirit was working behind the scenes to bring clarity and revelation to that person’s situation the entire time. I simply needed to allow the person the opportunity to “talk it through.” As I listen, I am asking the Holy Spirit to give me some powerful questions that may help the individual think through their situation on a deeper level. I am also asking Him to give me wisdom in how I might respond. How much do I say or not say? Sometimes I have said too much, other times too little. It is not a perfect science, but the more I can lean into the Holy Spirit’s leading the better able I will be to respond in a way that honors both God and the other person.
- Remain humble and resist the urge to become defensive. Easy to say – so difficult at times to do. Some conversations are just downright hard, and before we know it listening has gone out the window! (Not speaking from personal experience, of course. Ha ha.) In these challenging moments, when the person on the other side of the conversation is speaking in an aggressive tone or saying some things that we deem to be unfair, we can still honor them by taking a humble, non-defensive posture. (This is where the Holy Spirit will be crucial because in our flesh, we will want to be anything but gracious!) A great response in these tense moments is to say, “While we don’t necessarily see eye to eye on this, please help me to better understand your position.” Another good question to ask is “What do you need from me going forward?” These responses often disarm the other person – letting them know that even though you may not agree with them you still care about preserving the relationship. The less we need to be right, the greater the opportunity to hear what the other person is trying to say.
To be clear, I am not advocating that in the spirit of “listening” we allow someone to berate or denigrate us. There may be times when we simply must end the conversation, letting the other person know we will be happy to resume it once they can do so respectfully. God doesn’t expect us to be anyone’s verbal punching bag.
- Try not to make yourself part of the story. This is their story. This is especially hard in a culture that emphasizes “self” above all else. We tend to want to make everything about us, filtering our conversations though our own lenses, biases, and life experiences. By taking ourselves out the story we can more fully appreciate theirs. Compassion rises within us when we can see the situation from their point of view.
Authentic listening communicates that we care. And though not necessarily easy, everyone, with a little practice (and a lot of help from the Holy Spirit!), can be a better listener. I would say it is worth it.
About the Author
Jessica Sanford has served alongside her husband, Matt, in ministry for over two decades. She is a licensed coach with Leader Breakthru, Inc. and is passionate about making disciples and helping facilitate the spiritual transformation of those not content with the status quo. She also loves seeing women in ministry, especially other pastors’ wives, realize and step into their unique calling.
Have your kids ever made plans for you without asking first? Mine have, more than once! But a few years ago, one of those “surprise” plans turned into one of the most meaningful Thanksgivings for our family.
Those moments of laughter around the table and story-sharing carried the quiet presence of Jesus, who promises to be close to the brokenhearted.
Our neighbors, a family of four whom our kids had befriended, had recently lost the matriarch of their family. It was going to be their first holiday season without Mom/Grandma, and our kids insisted we invite them and their grandpa to Thanksgiving dinner.
We sent the invitation and didn’t know what to expect. Weeks passed without a response, and I assumed they had made other plans. Then, just two days before Thanksgiving, a text came through: five more people were coming!
Our table wasn’t perfect. We scrambled to get more groceries to make a few more sides. But the house was full of laughter, stories, and a sense of togetherness that no amount of planning could have created. That experience taught me so much about opening my home and my heart to families who are hurting.
Here are five things I learned:
- 1. Do it scared.
Extending an invitation can feel intimidating! You might worry about saying the wrong thing or overstepping. Ask God to fill you with boldness and do it anyway. I quickly sent a text message before I could second-guess myself or my kids. Even if they don’t accept, your invitation tells them you see them, you remember there loved one, and you care. And most importantly, it shows them God sees them, too. - 2. Focus on connection, not perfection.
Our table was crowded! We pulled in extra chairs from the garage, used mismatched plates, and squeezed elbow-to-elbow. And you know what? Nobody cared. What people remember most isn’t how it looked; it’s how they felt. This family was so grateful to have a new memory of a special holiday meal as they started to figure out what their life without Grandma looked like. Those moments of laughter around the table and story-sharing carried the quiet presence of Jesus, who promises to be close to the brokenhearted. - 3. Acknowledge their loss.
It can feel awkward to bring up the person they’re missing, but silence can make the grief feel heavier. Talk about their loved one. Almost all grieving people I’ve encountered love an opportunity to talk about and remember the person they’ve lost. Ask about their favorite holiday memories. If there’s time, ask ahead of time if there’s a special family recipe you can include with the meal. - 4. Let the invitation be open-handed.
There is a man in our community who is divorced and has difficult relationships with his grown children. He, too, is hurting and spends the holidays alone. For several years now we have invited him to join us, and he always politely declines. However, a small but significant step was taken last year. He accepted an invitation to come over after our meal and pick up a plate of leftovers to take home. We got to chat with him for a while and celebrate after the meal was done. There are many forms of grief, and the last thing we want to do is place pressure on someone in pain. Extending an open-handed invitation without expectation creates space for them to join if and when they are ready. It’s a beautiful reminder of God’s own invitation to us: always open, always patient, always full of grace. - 5. Keep checking in after the holidays.
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Sometimes the hardest days come after the big holidays, when everyone else has moved on. Keep inviting, keep texting, keep showing up. Presence in the days and weeks after is just as powerful as during the holiday itself.
That Thanksgiving reminded me that hospitality is less about the table and more about the heart around it. When we create space at our tables for those who are grieving, we’re doing more than sharing a meal. We are sharing the love of God in a tangible way, making room for Holy Spirit to comfort and heal. You don’t need the perfect meal or a Pinterest-worthy home to share the love of Jesus and help someone feel seen. All you need is a willing heart and an open door, and God will do the rest.
About the Author
Katie Thompson is the executive pastor at Desert Streams Church in Southern California, where her husband, Levi, serves as lead pastor. When she’s not pastoring, she’s running her bookkeeping business, leading as CFO at a wellness center, or wrangling kids and backyard chickens. She’s convinced coffee makes everything better, family adventures are non-negotiable, and the beach is one of God’s best ideas.
Recently, at an Alpha leaders’ meeting at our church, someone asked, “What does relevant ministry look like in today’s culture?” I think I decoded that question as “How do we effectively create Christ followers in a way that is relevant for today?” Cultural shifts, digital saturation, and generational expectations have reshaped the ministry landscape. Yet, helping people find and follow Jesus remains our mission. Jesus’ call to “go and make disciples” hasn’t changed—but the environment in which we fulfill that call certainly has.
I would like to share five thoughts on how we can effectively disciple in today’s world, the first two being observations on the state of our culture and the final three being suggestions for how we can minister in relevant ways in this culture.
1. We are being shaped by our culture’s digital fluidity and fluency.
We are living in an age of rapid digital transformation. Platforms change. Trends shift. Everyone has a voice AND everyone is selling you something. The result? People are overwhelmed with content and unsure of what’s even real anymore.
News, opinions, and even personal milestones unfold in real time, framed through algorithms and filtered bias. We’re not just consuming content; we’re being shaped by it. And just when we’ve adapted to one platform (remember Facebook?), a new one arises, demanding more of our time and attention.
Why it matters: Discipleship today must cut through the noise. We can’t just add to the information pile; we must offer something real, relational, and rooted in truth.
2. Despite being more “connected” than ever, people are starving for genuine relationships.
People may be connected and engaged in a myriad of conversations, but they lack authenticity and real community.My adopted daughter, for example, grieved the loss of our dog not by turning to close family or friends but by posting online and receiving brief, surface-level sympathy. She devoured those one-liners, but they didn’t satisfy her deep need for comfort and true compassion.
This is the paradox of the present: constant connection without true community.
Why it matters: Discipleship flourishes in authentic relationships. We must move past content delivery to heart-level engagement.
Yes, I know there is more to observe about today’s culture than these two aspects, but this is a good starting point to start structuring our ministries to multiply Christ followers in our current context. Now let’s look at a few practical ways we can do that.
3. Prioritize relational discipleship.
Digital influence may shape opinions, but it doesn’t form character. What forms a disciple is being seen, known, and challenged in the context of real relationships. Discipleship today needs to happen “eyeball to eyeball.” People are more likely to engage today not by having an expert stand up front and tell them the “answers” but by sitting in a circle, in a transparent and safe environment where they are safe to explore the questions, parse the information, AND where they can be mentored by people who model authentic faith. These mentors need to “do life together” with them so that they can provide consistent care and support.
Jesus modeled this beautifully. He didn’t just teach the crowds; He lived life with His disciples. His method was both invitational (“Come, follow me”) and challenging (“Take up your cross”).
Practical Steps:
• Think small: Build organic small groups that foster vulnerability and trust.
• Pair new believers with mature Christians who are willing to “do life together.”
• Create safe spaces for honest questions and struggles without judgment.
Discipleship isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about walking together toward Jesus.
4. Move from information to transformation.
The reality is that people don’t want or need more information; Google and AI have given us all the information of the ages at our fingertips. But here’s the catch: information alone doesn’t transform lives. True discipleship must bridge the gap between knowing about God and being transformed by Him. This means shifting the focus from merely imparting biblical knowledge to fostering genuine spiritual growth and life change.
Practical Steps:
• Encourage spiritual disciplines like PB & J (Prayer, Bible reading and Journaling/Meditation) into daily rhythms.
• Propose application-oriented questions: What is God saying to me and what am I going to do about it? How will this inform my decisions and change my actions this week?
• Share stories of personal transformation to make faith tangible.
The goal isn’t smarter Christians; it’s surrendered lives.
5. Make discipleship practical and missional.
Discipleship must extend beyond study and conversation. Jesus sent His disciples out. They learned by doing. In today’s world, hands-on faith matters more than ever.
Mission trips, community outreach, and acts of justice and mercy aren’t just good deeds, they’re discipleship labs. I like to say that “Ministry is simply an excuse for discipleship.” It’s in the doing that faith is tested, stretched, and refined.
Practical Steps:
• Involve disciples in regular service projects and real-world ministry.
• Help people discover their gifts and put them to work in their communities, not just inside the walls of the church
• Reflect on service together: What did God show you as you served others?
Missional discipleship reminds us that faith isn’t just personal, it’s participatory
Final Thought: Never forget the role of the Holy Spirit.
Disciple-making is a divine partnership. Strategies, programs, and best practices are helpful, but only God transforms hearts. Prayer must be our starting point and our sustaining power.
Pray for those you lead. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide, convict, and empower. And trust that the seeds you plant, even in today’s challenging soil, are in good hands.
Now is a great time for ministry!
Gary Khan was born on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. He moved to America when he was twenty to pursue his education and calling to be a pastor. He met his wife DeLaine at Eugene Bible College (now New Hope Christian College) and upon their graduation, they were married and began working at Desert Streams Church in Santa Clarita, CA. After thirty-two years as a pastor, Gary became an Executive Director of Operations for Marketplace Chaplains. He is the author of devotionals including Reset and Greater and his most recent book, That Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Thought.
By Anthony Lee
It was a drizzly Oregon night in 1997, and I was in the covered picnic area at Eugene Bible College when I came face to face with something evil that I couldn’t explain. It took me years to process this encounter; it was a moment frozen in time that I would hide from for many reasons, including my own sanity.
I was afraid to tell anyone about my experience, both because I didn’t want to seem crazy and because I didn’t want to admit the reality of what I’d seen. I wasn’t sure if this evil creature was spiritual, physical, or both. What I know for sure is God was in control the whole time, and aside from my fear in the moment, I was not hurt.
Supernatural is defined as “a manifestation or event attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature.” When we come across something supernatural, it can be perplexing because it is beyond what we can control or reason out; this can lead to discomfort and fear. Yet, on the other side of understanding is whimsy and mystery, which can be intriguing and exciting.
God is supernatural, and every day we are faced with the immensity of Him.
God is supernatural, and every day we are faced with the immensity of Him. Everything that exists in the natural world was created supernaturally, and nothing was or is out of His control. There are things we simply cannot understand right now. Paul says it well: “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Cor.13:12 NIV).
Someday we will fully know what we currently don’t. For now, there will be moments when we experience the supernatural and have to wrestle with the unknown. It’s important for us to do this biblically and in partnership with the Holy Spirit. Here are a few insights for navigating unexplainable supernatural experiences:
1. Tell someone. There is no reason why you should bear this burden alone. The enemy would love nothing more than to isolate us. It’s in isolation that he can cause the most damage. If we combine forces with others, we can find solace in the arms of friends and loved ones. I would suggest you start with those you trust most and prioritize godly counsel.
2. Be completely truthful. When it came to recounting my own experience, I found myself withholding some finer details because of my fear of what others might think. Or conversely, I would stretch the truth at times to make a better story. These misrepresentations are not only wrong, but they also discredit our testimony. “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Eph. 4:25 NIV). We owe our fellow brothers and sisters the blessing of our honest testimony. You may even set someone else free with your truth because they had a similar experience. There is great comfort in a completely truthful story.
3. Be bold enough to admit reality. On one occasion, I was asked to pray for a congregant after a church service. Another elder and I prayed for this woman’s broken foot. The next day, I got word that when she went into the hospital for her scheduled surgery, preliminary X-rays showed the bone had healed. Despite X-ray proof and my knowledge of God’s goodness, I became skeptical. It can be easier to choose denial or skepticism over belief. Don’t allow the enemy to pull you away from God’s ability or power.
4. Dig into God’s Word. Even though our experiences often are not reflected in exact biblical examples, the Bible is full of supernatural events! Dead people walking around after Jesus’ death on the cross, demons being cast out of a human boy and into pigs – this is crazy stuff. There is great comfort in understanding how supernatural the world really is throughout history and in Scripture. We need the stories of old to give us a broader understanding of a truly biblical worldview.
5. Give it time. Often what we do not understand right now will be illuminated in due course. I find when I am impatient, I jump to a lot of conclusions. This kind of hastiness can cause us to make decisions that will alter our paths in a way God did not intend. I almost dropped out of Bible college over my experience. I shudder to think how different my life would have been if I’d allowed the enemy to steal a life of ministry from me over an experience I could not explain.
If you ever experience something supernatural, know that God has allowed it to happen. He wants to be included in your experience, and He wants you to learn and grow from it. Be amazed at the wonder of God and His supernatural abilities and creation. I am convinced that your testimony may be the key to someone else’s deliverance. Our world is hungry for the truth and desperate to be set free.
About the Author
Anthony Lee resides in the majestic shadow of the Cascades (in Bend, Oregon, to be precise), where he juggles the delightful chaos of two teenage daughters, Juliana and Sophia, and is blessed by a beautiful wife, Eliza. Armed with a master’s in Christian leadership from Wheaton Graduate School and additional studies at Oxford, Anthony now serves as the lead pastor of Church of the Cascades as well as on the national board of Open Bible Churches. When not pondering the mysteries of theology, God, and the human condition, he can be found coaxing melodies from a trumpet, strumming a guitar, or occasionally subjecting the congregation to heavily auto-tuned vocals on Sundays. His writing, fueled by copious amounts of coffee and the occasional Haribo gummy bear, explores these profound topics with the same enthusiasm he brings to a fresh powder day on the slopes or a quiet afternoon fly fishing.
