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Dad, What’s Sex?

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Dad, What's Sex?

By Jordan Valentine

Not a care in the world in the California moonlight, cruising down the road with my oldest. Just a dad and his son, nothing better. Then it happened. Out of the peaceful silence my son asked me, “Dad, what’s sex?”  

I did what any sane parent would do. I panicked, opened my car door, and jumped out. Okay, I made the last part up, but maybe you have wished you could make a quick escape from your kids’ questions. It can seem like a better alternative than actually having this conversation. I mean, most people might presume I am a mature adult, but I feel inappropriate even typing words like “sex” and “pornography.” You may even be asking, “Why is this rapscallion using such a wild tongue? He is simply uncouth!” (In this scenario, you are a prim and proper person from the 1600s).  

The Valentine family

If our kids don’t learn about sex from us, they will learn about it from the world. They will learn it from their friends, their schools, the culture around them, or from screens when no one else is watching. The thought of talking to your children about sex can make you feel awkward. As a youth pastor I dealt with parents who struggled with this conversation because of their past sexual mistakes. Some parents felt like hypocrites for teaching their kids to do something they didn’t even do themselves. So instead, they just left their children without guidance in a world full of sexual landmines. Other parents would try to keep their kids from making the same mistakes they did by dressing them in a chastity belt of rules. These students would be ashamed or angry with their parents and then explore an accessible sexual world when their parents weren’t looking. Either scenario leads to the children finding important answers somewhere else.  

This growing communication problem leads Gen Z to pornography. For them it is natural to experience life through the screen. The average Gen Z-er spends as much time on a screen as many people do at their full-time jobs. According to Barna,* over 25 percent are on a screen over 56 hours a week. Unlike previous generations, they don’t use social media just to keep friendships; they are looking for new friendships and new experiences, not in person, but through screens. Without healthy direction they all too easily fall in lust with digital sex. This can lead to shame and fear, and ultimately it will rob our children of God’s best for them.  

If our kids don’t learn about sex from us, they will learn about it from the world.

I am not a professional psychologist, just a dad trying to get better every day at my craft. Nonetheless, I am going to give you a few tips on how to have open and honest conversations about sex and pornography with your children. These conversations will help your kids have a healthier view of sex and help them safeguard themselves from the lies of pornography.  

Just a few notes to review before we get started. First, God made us sexual beings. It is part of who we are, but not our main identity. God did this on purpose. (Your kids are not freaks if they desire sex.) God’s design is perfect. He declared sex good, meaning when God designed it and when we exercise it according to His design, it is good. Adam and Eve felt no shame in the way God created them and united them together. Second, Satan is a liar. He used his lies to deceive Adam and Eve. He attempted and failed to deceive Jesus. His attacks on us and on our children will come at us from his lying lips. He will attempt to lie to them about sex and pornography. You can see this in our culture. Although God made us sexual beings as part of our identity, now sexuality is seemingly synonymous with our identity.  

Now on to three tips to help you to have open conversations about sex with your kids. 

  1. Just answer what they ask.
    • My parents gave me this great advice that they stole from one of their teachers. It simplifies the harder to answer questions we get from our kids. Sometimes when our child asks about sex, we think we must unleash the entirety of our knowledge upon their child-sized brains. (I’m guilty of this.) Instead, just answer the question they ask. If they ask another, answer that. Let them determine how much information they can handle and don’t assume they need more than they are asking for. You can be cautious, using words appropriate for their age. (We don’t want to push them into mature topics they haven’t thought or heard of yet.) We also don’t want them to view these conversations with us as inappropriate or embarrassing. Within our culture today, our kids will more than likely be exposed to pornography. In times past you would have to go to a sleazy store to access porn; now it is available in every pocket. If our kids feel free to come to us, we can help them avoid the secrecy and shame.  
  1. Check in with them.
    • Sometimes they may not ask questions. This is when you need to be proactive and open up the conversation. They may not be ready to talk at that moment. (Let’s be real; kids usually ask when it is the most inconvenient – pretty sure they do it on purpose.) Your checking in lets them know that they have open access to any information they are curious about. It will take away the secrecy and fear the enemy can use.  
  1. Point to the blessing of God’s design.
    • Every conversation becomes an opportunity to lead our kids to the immense love and goodness of God. Deuteronomy 6 gives us a great reminder as parents to be diligent in teaching our kids to love God, and from that love, to follow His commandments. In an area that can harm our child so greatly, we should diligently point them to God and the happiness they can experience through His design. Each potentially awkward and cringy conversation becomes an opportunity for your kids to see the beauty of how God made sex a special part of their lives. This approach will not just grow an excitement for doing things God’s way but will also grow their love of God the more they see His faithfulness. Remember, we are not teaching our kids that all their wildest dreams will come true when they find their spouse. That would set unrealistic expectations that would lead to frustration. What we are doing is saying that God’s way is always better. In good seasons and bad ones, God’s way is filled with peace. That is true in all areas of life, whether relationships, finances (a shout-out to Dave Ramsey), parenting, or sex.   

There is no exhaustive, foolproof list for how to raise a child that will never look at pornography, but your faithful voice can lead them toward freedom. In a world that will constantly twist and pervert sex as long as they live, it is important to be that steady voice that points to the beauty and joy of God’s design for sex.  

*Gen Z: The Culture, Beliefs and Motivations Shaping the Next Generation. The Barna Group and Impact 360 Institute. January 22, 2018 

About the Author

Jordan Valentine

Jordan Valentine is married to an amazing woman, Mia, who can tolerate all his sarcasm! He is the father of three wild boys: John, Jedidiah, and Thaddeus. He has been a youth pastor for more than ten years and now has the honor of being lead pastor at Journey Church of Open Bible in Antioch, California.

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The Church I See

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There has been much discussion about the future of the Church. While I’m not a futurist or researcher, I’m grateful for voices that help us think wisely about pursuing the mission of the Church in an ever-changing culture. Researchers like Ed Stetzer and Carey Nieuwhof highlight some encouraging trends, such as revivals on college campuses, rising Bible sales, and Gen Z’s hunger for authentic faith.

I carry deep conviction and a faith-filled anticipation about what I see and am praying for. When I think about the Church and the days ahead, I don’t see a Church in retreat, but I do see a Church being refined  – prepared for what God is getting ready to do. A victorious and glorious Church (Eph. 5:27).

Jesus said, “I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it” (Matt. 16:18 ESV). That promise has no expiration date. Jesus is still building His Church today.

As the church advances, it will not stand on programs, buildings, or production. . . it will be built on the authority of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Across the body of Christ, there is a growing recognition that the future of the Church will not be built by addition alone, but by multiplication. Disciples will make disciples, leaders will develop and release leaders, and churches will plant churches. There are many voices helping to bring clarity to this, and we are seeing that same conviction take shape within Open Bible through our Mission to Multiply and the Power of We.

So, when I think about the Church and what is ahead of us, what do I see?

We often measure success by attendance, budgets, and programs. While salvations and baptisms remain central, we must expand the scorecard. As Larry Walkemeyer describes in The River Church, we must move from “lake churches” that gather to “river churches” that send – becoming disciple makers who multiply.

The book of Acts shows us a model of a church that did not just meet but multiplied. The future will not belong to churches that simply gather a crowd, but it will belong to churches that make and send disciple makers. Jesus did not commission us to build an audience. He commanded us to go and make disciples (Matt. 28:19). Multiplication begins there – in intentional, relational, Spirit-led disciple making.

Multiplication is not just a strategy or a motto we adopt. It is the culture of Spirit-empowered, disciple-making churches. The Church I see measures health not only by attendance, but by how many are discipled, equipped, and sent to reproduce what’s been invested in them. This is our Mission to Multiply.

I SEE A SPIRIT-EMPOWERED CHURCH

We live in a time of rapid change. Technology, AI, and social media shape how we communicate and connect. These tools can be helpful, but they don’t transform lives. The Holy Spirit does. 

These tools can be helpful, but they don’t transform lives. The Holy Spirit does. 

Pentecost was Heaven’s defining moment for the birth of the Church and the fulfillment of what Jesus said in Acts 1:8. The early followers of Jesus did not have the influence, resources, or tools we have today. What they had was the power of God. That has not changed!

In the days ahead, more than ever, the Church will move forward not through innovation alone but through consecration. The church I see is unapologetically dependent on the Spirit of God.

I SEE A COURAGEOUS CHURCH

In the book of Acts, every step forward required courage – Peter and John before the Sanhedrin, Stephen in the face of death, Peter going to Cornelius’s home, the sending out of Paul and Barnabas. These were not small steps; they were courageous steps across cultural and spiritual boundaries. The early Church moved from gathering to going, from addition to multiplication. The expansion of the early Church was not accidental. It followed obedience and courage.

The Church I see will walk in that same Spirit.

Courage to preach the truth in love.
Courage to plant in hard places.
Courage to raise and release the next generation.
Courage to choose multiplication over comfort.
Courage to link arms with others for the sake of the greater mission.
Courage to build the Kingdom over our own castles.

We can stand on His promise and by His Spirit knowing “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV).

I SEE THE POWER OF WE

As we look forward, one of the strongest convictions I carry is this: our future will be stronger through the Power of We.

Individualism limits impact; partnership multiplies it. When we share vision, develop leaders, and align around mission, we step into something far greater than any one church could accomplish alone.  I believe the future Church will not thrive through isolation but will flourish through collaboration. The church I see understands that “we” is stronger than “me.”

When we share vision, develop leaders, and align around mission, we step into something far greater than any one church could accomplish alone.

I am confident in what God has called us to:

The church that makes disciple makers will multiply.

The church that depends on the Holy Spirit will endure.

The church that walks in courage will advance. This is the church I see, and I believe we are being invited to build it together.


About the Author

Michael Nortune serves as president of Open Bible Churches. He has ministered in the local church faithfully for thirty-five years. From his start as a janitor and groundskeeper to church planter and lead pastor of Life Church in Concord, California, Michael has had the opportunity to gain experience in every capacity within the church throughout his ministry. Not only does he have hands-on experience on the local level, but Michael has also led at the district, regional, and national levels within Open Bible Churches. Michael and his wife, Julie, currently reside in Colorado and love living near five of their six children and their spouses. They also treasure the time they spend with their other daughter who lives in Alabama with their first (but not the last) grandson!

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Reopening the Old Wells: Bringing Ancient Liturgy to the Modern Age

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Isaac dug out again the wells that were dug during the lifetime of his father Abraham. The Philistines had closed them up after Abraham’s death. Isaac gave them the same names his father had given them. Isaac’s servants dug wells in the valley and found a well there with fresh water. (Genesis 26:18-19 CEB).

I came to faith as a teenager and had very few church experiences up to that point. My earliest formation as a Christ follower took place within Open Bible church settings, where I found deep community and meaningful spiritual experiences that I continue to value. At the same time, as in many modern evangelical churches, there was limited exposure to the ancient liturgies and historic practices of the wider Church.

A worship service at Cove Church, Pastor Aaron’s church in Eugene, Oregon.

These traditional cornerstones that were foundational to ecclesial life for millennia had been almost eliminated in the churches I attended. It seemed to me that these practices were at best met with ignorance and at worst with grave suspicion. The predictable result was that any real understanding and appreciation for ancient liturgical practices was absent from the first two decades of my church life. I rarely thought about things like Ash Wednesday services, the Book of Common Prayer, and Advent, and if I did, it was with a healthy side dish of uninformed judgment. I viewed Lent the same way I viewed lentils: it was a cold and exotic experience that was both frightening to prepare and painful to consume.

I viewed Lent the same way I viewed lentils: it was a cold and exotic experience that was both frightening to prepare and painful to consume.

This was my context as a few of our church staff began asking whether we could introduce some of these ancient practices into our church worship experience. As you might imagine given my church background, it took me a while to warm up to the idea. I began a process of asking questions, listening, and learning, even reaching out to an Anglican priest friend to hear his take on the value of these long-held traditions. Through all this, Christ in His goodness and patience has allowed us now to incorporate many of these practices into our regular church experience. As a result, I am happy to report that we are experiencing wonderful depth and meaning in our gatherings as we’ve adopted and applied some of these long-proven elements of discipleship.

Our time of worship now always includes the public reading of a Psalm (a practice we have adopted from the Book of Common Prayer) to bring us back to the ancient hymn book of Israel. We have a fresh understanding of what it is to give up something physical in order to gain something spiritual as we fast in the forty days of Lent. Christmas time and the lighting of Advent candles help us celebrate Christ’s first arrival while reminding us to await His second arrival. And Ash Wednesday, with its outward sign of repentance and mortality, leads us to humble ourselves before God, understanding how desperately we need His saving grace. Finally, the celebration of life on Easter Sunday has far greater meaning now because it is preceded by the sobriety of the death we remember on Good Friday.

This is not to say that incorporating these elements has always been smooth. We’ve learned to introduce them slowly and with great attention to the “why” behind the “what.” Along the way, we’ve had our share of growth opportunities and mishaps. One example happened early on in our journey, when we tried to introduce some ancient call and response types of prayers. The practice led several people to worry that we had become a completely different kind of church. We haven’t yet reintroduced those prayers in our services.

We have found that moving slowly and consistently, explaining the meaning of the practices, and laughing at ourselves through our failed attempts have been the key ingredients to discovering the power of these ancient gifts.

Another example took place during last year’s Ash Wednesday service. During this type of service, ash is used to mark the sign of a cross on each believer’s forehead. This marking symbolizes our own mortality and repentance, as we take up our cross and turn from our sins. Well, our beloved worship leader wanted to add scent to the ashes to create a fuller sensory experience. To do so, he incorporated essential oils, including cinnamon, into the ashes. Little did any of us know that undiluted cinnamon oil burns on the skin. Talk about your full sensory experience. All of us in the service sat wondering what it reveals about our spiritual condition if the ash cross on our forehead feels like it’s on fire. There was a great sigh of relief when our executive pastor let people know what had happened, and a mad dash to the bathrooms ensued as people quickly washed away the painful marker. The next Sunday I formally apologized for turning their Ash Wednesday into a Rash Wednesday.

In these moments and more, we have found that moving slowly and consistently, explaining the meaning of the practices, and laughing at ourselves through our failed attempts have been the key ingredients to discovering the power of these ancient gifts. Just as Isaac reopened the ancient wells of his father to discover pure water, we too can rediscover the meaning of these ancient practices in our churches and experience their fresh water again.


About the Author

Aaron Sutherland is the founding pastor of Cove Church in Eugene, Oregon, and the Director of Multiplication for Pacific Region Open Bible. Along with his wife, Paula, he finds great joy in watching God reveal the new stories being written into the lives of people from every corner of the world.

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Reabriendo los pozos viejos: Llevar la liturgia antigua a la era moderna

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Y volvió a abrir Isaac los pozos de agua que habían abierto en los días de Abraham su padre, y que los filisteos habían cegado después de la muerte de Abraham; y los llamó por los nombres que su padre los había llamado.  Pero cuando los siervos de Isaac cavaron en el valle, y hallaron allí un pozo de aguas vivas. (Génesis 26:18-19, RVR-1960).

Me convertí al cristianismo en la adolescencia y, hasta ese momento, había tenido muy pocas experiencias en la iglesia. Mi formación inicial como seguidor de Cristo tuvo lugar en la iglesia de la Biblia Abierta, donde encontré una comunidad profunda y experiencias espirituales significativas que sigo valorando. Al mismo tiempo, como en muchas iglesias evangélicas modernas, el contacto con las antiguas liturgias y prácticas de la Iglesia en general era limitado.

Un servicio de adoración en Cove Church, la iglesia del pastor Aaron en Eugene, Oregon.

Estos pilares tradicionales, que durante milenios habían sido fundamentales para la vida de la Iglesia, habían sido prácticamente eliminados de las iglesias a las que asistía. Me parecía que, en el mejor de los casos, estas prácticas se ignoraban y, en el peor, se miraban con gran recelo. El resultado previsible fue que, durante las dos primeras décadas de mi vida eclesiástica, no llegué a conocer ni a apreciar realmente estas antiguas prácticas litúrgicas. Rara vez pensaba en cosas como los servicios del Miércoles de Ceniza, el Libro de Oración Común y el Adviento, y, si lo hacía, era con una buena dosis de prejuicios. Veía la Cuaresma de la misma manera que veía las lentejas: una experiencia fría y exótica que daba miedo preparar y era dolorosa de consumir.

Veía la Cuaresma de la misma manera que veía las lentejas: una experiencia fría y exótica que daba miedo preparar y era dolorosa de consumir.

Este era mi contexto cuando algunos miembros del personal de nuestra iglesia comenzaron a preguntar si podríamos incorporar algunas de estas prácticas antiguas en nuestra experiencia de adoración en la iglesia. Como se pueden imaginar, dada mi formación eclesiástica, me llevó un tiempo aceptar la idea. Empecé a hacer preguntas, a escuchar y a aprender. Incluso me puse en contacto con un amigo sacerdote anglicano para conocer su opinión sobre el valor de estas tradiciones tan arraigadas. A través de todo esto, Cristo, en su bondad y paciencia, nos ha permitido ahora incorporar muchas de estas prácticas en nuestra experiencia eclesiástica habitual. Me complace informar de que nuestras reuniones tienen ahora una profundidad y un significado maravillosos en nuestras reuniones, ya que hemos adoptado y aplicado algunos de estos elementos del discipulado que han demostrado su eficacia con el paso del tiempo.

Ahora, nuestro tiempo de adoración siempre incluye la lectura pública de un salmo (una práctica que hemos adoptado del Libro de Oración Común) que nos transporta al antiguo himnario de Israel. Tenemos una nueva comprensión de lo que significa renunciar a algo material o para ganar algo espiritual mientras ayunamos durante los cuarenta días de Cuaresma. La época navideña y la ceremonia de encender las velas de Adviento nos ayudan a celebrar la primera Venida de Cristo, y a recordar que debemos esperar su segunda venida. Y el Miércoles de Ceniza, con su signo externo de arrepentimiento y mortalidad, nos invita a humillarnos ante Dios, y a reconocer cuán desesperadamente necesitamos su gracia salvadora. Por último, la celebración de la vida el Domingo de Pascua tiene ahora un significado mucho mayor, ya que va precedida de la sobriedad de la muerte que recordamos el Viernes Santo.

Esto no quiere decir que la incorporación de estos elementos siempre haya sido fácil. Hemos aprendido a introducirlos poco a poco, prestando mucha atención al «porqué» detrás del «qué». A lo largo del camino, hemos tenido nuestras oportunidades de crecimiento y nuestros contratiempos. Un ejemplo ocurrió al principio de nuestro camino, cuando intentamos introducir algunas oraciones antiguas de llamada y respuesta. La práctica llevó a varias personas a preocuparse de que nos hubiéramos convertido en un tipo de iglesia completamente diferente. Todavía no hemos reintroducido esas oraciones en nuestros servicios.

Hemos descubierto que movernos lenta y consistentemente, explicar el significado de las prácticas y reírnos de nosotros mismos a través de nuestros intentos fallidos han sido los ingredientes clave para descubrir el poder de estos antiguos dones.

Otro ejemplo ocurrió durante el servicio del Miércoles de Ceniza del año pasado. En este tipo de servicio, se utiliza ceniza para trazar una cruz en la frente de cada creyente. Esta marca simboliza nuestra propia mortalidad y arrepentimiento, y representa el momento en que tomamos nuestra cruz y nos apartamos de nuestros pecados. Bueno, nuestro querido líder de adoración quiso añadir aroma a las cenizas para crear una experiencia sensorial más completa. Para ello, añadió aceites esenciales, entre ellos canela, a las cenizas. Ninguno de nosotros sabía que el aceite de canela sin diluir quema la piel. Hablando de una experiencia sensorial completa… Todos los que estábamos en el servicio nos sentamos preguntándonos qué revelaba acerca de nuestra condición espiritual el hecho de que la cruz de ceniza de nuestra frente pareciera estar ardiendo. Hubo un gran suspiro de alivio cuando nuestro pastor ejecutivo informó a la gente de lo que había sucedido, y se produjo una carrera loca hacia los baños para lavarse rápidamente la dolorosa marca. Al domingo siguiente me disculpé formalmente por haber convertido su Miércoles de Ceniza en un Miércoles de Erupción.

En este y en otros momentos, hemos descubierto que avanzar lentamente y con constancia, explicar el significado de las prácticas y reírnos de nosotros mismos ante nuestros intentos fallidos han sido los ingredientes clave para descubrir el poder de estos antiguos legados. Al igual que Isaac reabrió los antiguos pozos de su padre para encontrar agua pura, nosotros también podemos redescubrir el significado de estas antiguas prácticas en nuestras iglesias y volver a experimentar su agua fresca

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Sobre el autor

Aaron Sutherland es el pastor fundador de la iglesia Cove Church en Eugene, Oregón, y director de Multiplicación de la región del Pacífico de la Biblia Abierta. Junto con su esposa, Paula, disfruta ver cómo Dios escribe nuevas historias en la vida de personas de todo el mundo.

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