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5 Things NOT to Say When Someone is Grieving

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By Nicole Kerr 

Even if you have never experienced a season of grief, you at least know someone who has. We all struggle to know the right things to say and do, and there really isn’t one right way to handle these situations. But hopefully these five tips of what NOT to do will help guide you the next time someone you care about is grieving. Avoid the following:

1. “At least” statements. 

“At least you got to say good bye,” “at least she lived a long life,” “at least he isn’t suffering anymore,” “at least we know they are in a better place,” “at least you have other kids or can try again,” “at least there are other ways to grow a family.” These statements may come from a heart that is caring and wants to encourage, but in most cases they do the opposite. Even though they may be true, their truth doesn’t make the loss feel any less painful. Someone that is grieving needs to have their grief acknowledged, not to be given the impression that their feelings are invalid.  

2. Bringing up your own similar situation. 

No two experiences are ever the same, so saying something like “I know how you feel” can diminish the other person’s feelings. When we bring up our own experiences, we are trying to show that we empathize with the grieving individual but in that moment the focus needs to be on the person who is grieving and not ourselves. Sharing your own experiences can be very helpful and welcome in the right situation, but it needs to come after acknowledging the personal grief of the individual and only if you are in a position in that person’s life to offer that kind of experience or advice.  

3. Being overly emotional.  

Nothing is more exhausting for someone who is grieving than the need to stop and comfort others. The ability to grieve with someone is an amazing gift, and it can be comforting to know that someone else is feeling what you feel, but the need for the grieving person to constantly reassure the people around them that they will be okay is more exhausting than helpful.  

4. Asking “How do you feel?” or “How are you doing?” 

This one isn’t inherently wrong, because typically we do want to know how someone is doing and we should never assume that we know how they feel. But it gets asked so often that it can feel like a generic greeting at the supermarket such as “Hi, how are you?” The other person feels expected to say, “Fine, and you?”

If the grief is new, the grieving person may really not know how they are feeling, or they may be feeling so many things that they don’t know how to explain it. And if someone is standing in a funeral receiving line, they only have time for “We are doing fine.” So unless you actually have the time to sit and listen to how the person is doing or can help them process all these emotions, it may be best to avoid the question. That being said, asking how someone is doing is far better than not acknowledging their grief at all.  

5.  Not saying anything 

 Most of the time we don’t know what to say, or we are afraid we will say the wrong thing. We get uncomfortable when people are grieving so we say nothing. We stay away to “give them space.” As someone who has been the griever many times, I can tell you that I would rather people say the wrong thing than not say anything at all. When you are grieving, it is common to feel alone, and when those who say they care about you don’t acknowledge your pain, there is nothing lonelier.  

Ok, so what can we say or do when someone is grieving? 

1. Let them know that you acknowledge their grief and that you are there for them. 

You can start by saying, “I am so sorry for your loss. If you or your family need anything, please let us know.” In fact, offer specific ways you would be available to help. Or tell them, “I can’t imagine what you are going through. Please let me know how I can pray for you.” 

2. Share memories if you knew the person that has passed. 

There is nothing that feels better when you have lost someone than to remember the good times.  

3. Give a tangible gift, especially if it can be a reminder of the person who was lost. 

Many times along with grief comes a fear of forgetting, so a tangible, meaningful item that can serve as a positive reminder is a nice touch.  

4. Pray for them. 

Don’t just say you will pray, do it. If you have the opportunity, pray for them in person.  

5. Give of yourself. 

Even if you don’t say anything, just being with someone who is grieving is a comfort. Bring dinner over or bake them cookies. Take them out for coffee. Don’t try to force them to talk about their grief, but let them know you are there to listen if they want to. Simply being there can be more healing than the perfectly crafted condolence or a verse on a Hallmark card.  

No two people grieve the same, and even one person can grieve differently for different losses. But generally speaking, letting someone know you care for them and are there to support them is never wrong. As with anything else, ask God to guide you in how to best show His love to the person in need. 

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” 

(Romans 12:15).

5 Things

Five Lessons Learned While Reaching a Neighborhood 

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Years ago, I took the StrengthsFinder Assessment, which is designed to help a person understand their top gifts. “Achiever” fell at the top of my list, and I found myself feeling uncomfortable with this result. I wrestled with my uneasiness, unsure why I felt this way until God began to unlock my understanding. From the time I was young, I had built my life to be full to the brim, accumulating a long resume of accomplishments, none of which brought me satisfaction. Instead, God placed a hunger inside of me to be marked by the supernatural. One definition of supernatural is “above, beyond, and far higher and greater than the natural.” I longed to see things that exceeded what I could do through my own achievements and to witness the power of God in my daily life.  

God placed a hunger inside of me to be marked by the supernatural.

Since that time, God has taught me to forsake striving and performance, instead discovering His will and wisdom by walking in friendship with Him. Even more than before, my heart yearns to experience ministry moments that inspire awe of our magnificent God. Our team had the honor of experiencing some of these moments during our summer of outreach at Asbury Park. As I share our story, I’ll also share the five lessons we learned through reaching our neighborhood.  

Neighborhood man receiving prayer as he chooses to give His life to Jesus

1. We can partner with God to see His desires fulfilled.  

We were gathered for our regular weekly prayer meeting when God said, “I want this neighborhood. Will you make My name great at Asbury Park?” We felt the weight of this invitation. For a year, we had been hosting neighbors in the basement of our ministry house for weekly dinners. Dozens had found community and a sense of belonging in that space. Some had already met Jesus, but He wanted us to cast the net further. No one on our team had imagined taking our Thursday night dinners out to the park for the summer. But God had heard our cry: “God, you get to do whatever is in your heart to do. We pray your will be done in this region and that Jesus would be glorified.” And that day, He gave us another piece of His blueprint for our region.  

2. We don’t have to strive. 

Naturally, we looked at the invitation from God and imagined possibilities of how to gather the community at our neighborhood park. We considered the successes of past events that utilized raffle and prize incentives or entertainment such as bounce houses. We went back to prayer and God revealed more of His plan to us. He wanted it simple. As we prayed, He gave us visions of the stations in the park: crafts themed to tell the story of creation, food to fill bellies, a field with kids carefree and playing, bold worship, and a baptismal. He said to get ready for people to be saved and baptized!  

May we all live in daily expectation of the things that are beyond what we could do in our own ability, partnering with God and watching His fame spread across the earth.

3. God has a storehouse of provision. 

Although God’s plan was relatively simple, we did not have the finances or workers to pull off this vision of taking dinners to the park every other week throughout the summer. God impressed upon us that He would be faithful to provide everything we needed to serve the community in this way. We chose to embrace His plan with faith that He would make a way. 

4. God loves collaboration. 

God brilliantly inspired us to reach out to many individuals and groups, inviting them to partner with us in reaching the Five Points Neighborhood in Toledo. Over a dozen churches were represented by the participants who filled volunteer slots and donated food and supplies. The greater Body of Christ truly came together, unified around Jesus and His mission. 

5. Love + Power + Gospel = Jesus gets His reward 

When our dinners first launched at the ministry base in 2023, God gave us a foundational verse to build upon: 

Neighborhood boy demonstrating his commitment to Jesus and new life through water baptism

“Walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance” (Ephesians 5:2 AMP). 

God desired for this aroma to rise to Heaven, the smell of a people walking in sacrificial love. And so, His people took that love to the park. We shared the good news that Jesus gave His life so that all could be saved, healed, and delivered. Many accepted the invitation to receive this gift from Jesus, giving their lives to Him. People experienced healing in their bodies and freedom from bondage. Many encountered the power of the Holy Spirit in a personal way. Twenty-four people chose to follow Jesus through water baptism! 

God rained down this summer on Asbury Park. It was His plan, His provision, His glory. It was Jesus’ reward. May we all live in daily expectation of the things that are beyond what we could do in our own ability, partnering with God and watching His fame spread across the earth.

About the Author

Sarah Williams

Sarah Williams and her husband, George, have been in ministry together since they were married in 2006. They began their journey as urban missionaries, which led to planting and co-pastoring CityLight Church. In 2016, Sarah founded the Transformation Center, where she and her team have helped hundreds of people find wholeness and freedom. Sarah’s passion is for Jesus to receive His reward through salvation, healing, and deliverance. The team at the Transformation Center welcomes ministers to book a stay to receive personal ministry or to visit and partner with them in reaching their community. 

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Five Keys for Creative Fundraising in Student Ministries

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Every student should have an opportunity to encounter Jesus beyond the walls of a church. Most students further their relationship with Christ at special events like church camps or mission trips. But the reality of these intentional events is that they cost money, and sometimes a lot of money, for our students. Money should never be the reason a student doesn’t get to experience Jesus in a new way. Fundraising can be daunting for a youth pastor, but it doesn’t have to be! We have found that there are some consistent keys to make fundraising enjoyable, successful, and a blessing to the community. 

  1. Diversify your fundraising sources.   

Sometimes it is difficult to fundraise because it feels like we are asking the same people repeatedly to donate. When planning which types of fundraisers you’re going to do each year, make sure the fundraisers draw from various sources and audiences.  

  • Have a fundraiser that focuses on church engagement, allowing church members to bless the youth (e.g. Dessert Auction, Work Project, Bingo Night).  
  • Have a fundraiser that draws from the local community. These might offer a service that people in your community need or enjoy (e.g. Car Wash, Flower Basket Sales, Corn Hole Tournament, Restaurant Coupons).  
  • Have a fundraiser that draws from parents. They are going to have to pay for a portion of the event cost, so you might as well offer something to them in exchange for their investment. (e.g. Dunk Tank to dunk students or youth leaders, Date Night with babysitting at the church).  
  • Lastly, have a fundraiser that casts a wide net and engages high numbers of people. You never know who will want to support you or who will want to help you network (e.g. Call/Text-A-Thon).  
  1. Make fundraisers fun for students!  

The worst thing ever is when leaders or parents are doing all the work to fundraise for their students. When we make fundraisers fun, students will want to show up and do the work. Here are two of our favorites as examples:  

Students race to eat as many wings as they can to raise money for camp
  • Wing-A-thon: We have a local chicken shack that makes incredible wings, and they allow us to come in and eat unlimited wings for an hour. Students must collect sponsors to pay them for each wing they can eat. There are “Wing Refs” that ensure students eat all the meat off the bone, there is trivia for spectators, and prizes are awarded based on most wings eaten, fewest wings eaten, spiciest basket finished, surprise competitor, etc. We even let family members eat on behalf of students to encourage everyone to participate (sponsors just need to know it is Dad eating the wings and not a 12-year-old).  
  • Dunk Tank Fundraiser: Every year at our summer baptism service, we spend a couple hundred bucks and rent a dunk tank. People can pay ten dollars for three chances to dunk the student of their choice, and at the end we do a bidding war for people to be able to dunk each of our staff pastors. You’d be surprised how high some of these bids can get!  
  1. Utilize business sponsorships.  

Business sponsorships are typically in larger amounts than contributions from individual donors, and they can serve multiple purposes. These funds can be used to make fundraiser events better by allowing you to purchase prizes, decor, or props. They can cover costs (like paying for everyone to eat unlimited wings so it doesn’t count against the student fundraising). They can go towards travel expenses to help drive down event costs. Any leftover funds can be offered to students who have a harder time fundraising. One perk of a church being a nonprofit is we can provide businesses with tax donation forms for anything they give. Additionally, engaging these businesses fosters community partnership.  

Money should never be the reason a student doesn’t get to experience Jesus in a new way. Fundraising can be daunting for a youth pastor, but it doesn’t have to be!

  1. Allow fundraisers to be outreach opportunities.  

Fundraisers are wonderful opportunities to invite people into church environments. Encourage students to invite their friends and family to come support at fundraising events. Encourage leadership to attend fundraisers to socialize and build new relationships. Find ways to pray at the event, share testimonies, and model the gospel. 

  1. Overpromote!  

Utilize every platform you have in promoting your fundraisers. Make them a Facebook event, post them on your organization’s website, post social media stories that students and parents can share, create graphics for church announcements and printed fliers, send emails via your church database, and have fundraising nights where you sit down with your students to help them write and send out support letters. Lastly, never assume a student will fill their guardians in on what is going on. Always individually connect with parents and give them the information directly.  

Fundraising does take work and intentionality, but it is so worth it. Instead of focusing on the money, keep the focus on Christ. He will provide in a perfect and timely manner. Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (NIV). Plan with intention, but have fun with your students, church, and community as you equip these students for an awesome opportunity to experience Jesus! 

About the Author

Aaron and Christine McAndrews

Aaron and Christine McAndrews both grew up in Thurston, Oregon, and love the people there like family. They serve at Waypoint Community Church as youth pastors and volunteer with Young Life. Aaron attended Fuller Theological Seminary for his Master of Divinity, and Christine attended the University of Oregon for her Bachelor of Arts in education. Aaron serves as a US Army Chaplain for the Oregon National Guard, and Christine is an educator in a local elementary school. Both have a heart to serve the youth in their community.  

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Five Ways to be an Authentic Listener

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By Jessica Sanford

Recently, I was asked the question “What surprises me most about people?”  I responded, “It’s been my experience that most people simply want to know you care – that you were willing to take the time to truly listen.”  

Notice I did not say “that you were willing to take the time to try to ‘fix them’ or to ‘solve all their problems’ or to engage in ever-so-helpful ‘telling.’” None of these things, no matter how well-intended, convey we care. (In fact, they generally have the opposite effect.)  

Conveying that we care starts with a willingness to listen more and talk less. And lest you think this is something I simply made up on the fly, this idea seems to be a biblical principle as well. James instructs us: “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:10, NLT). King Solomon put it like this: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . . A time to be quiet and a time to speak” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7). It is not that we never speak (that would be a little awkward), but it is important to know when to speak and when to listen. 

We complicate things when we get the order wrong.  

I am convinced that connecting each of us is an innate desire to be fully heard and to know with certainty that what is in our heart matters to the person on the other side of the conversation. Imagine how many relationships could benefit from both parties adopting a listening posture!  

Authentic listening is powerful; it brings life; it brings healing; it deepens intimacy and strengthens connection. And it is a gift we all can give.    

Since I am a quieter and a naturally curious person, listening has always tended to be my first impulse. I am genuinely fascinated by people’s stories (and much prefer hearing others’ experiences over sharing my own). However, as I have come to learn, listening simply for “listening’s sake” is not the same thing as being an authentic, active, engaged, heart-level listener. In our conversations, it is entirely possible to hear every word being spoken but walk away having heard nothing at all. Authentic listening is a skill that must be cultivated and developed.  

True, authentic listening 

Is not distracted. 
Is compassionate. 
Is others-focused. 
Does not need to be right. 
Is humble and non-defensive. 
Listens for understanding and not necessarily agreement. 
Can lay aside self-preoccupation in order to see things from the other person’s perspective. 

This kind of listening is hard and, sadly, far too uncommon. Listening on this kind of level is something I have had to learn and develop over time – and I am still learning!  

This kind of listening is impossible in our own strength. We will need the resourcing of the Holy Spirit to help us with this. Perhaps you want to become a better listener as well? 

Here are five ways to cultivate an authentic, active listening posture: 

  • Resolve to be fully present. Set aside any distractions. Put down your phone. Turn off the T.V. Let others know you are not to be disturbed – whatever it takes to be fully engaged. This simple step communicates: You matter! You are important to me. (Nothing is more off-putting than feeling like you are having to compete for someone else’s attention.) Tip: The dinner table is a great opportunity to practice distraction-free, device-free listening. 
  • Do not presume to know what is in the other person’s heart; instead, be a safe place for them to share their heart. Before people will let us see inside their heart, they first need to know they can trust us with it. The truth is, we do not fully know what someone else is walking through, and to pretend we do is naive at best and arrogant at worst. I saw a quote recently that struck me: “Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” If I had to guess, I would say there are a fair number of people carrying some pretty heavy loads. People are more fragile than we may realize, so let’s be careful with their hearts.  
  • Trust the Holy Spirit to guide the conversation. I used to put a great deal of pressure on myself to have just the “right” thing to say to someone while the Holy Spirit was working behind the scenes to bring clarity and revelation to that person’s situation the entire time. I simply needed to allow the person the opportunity to “talk it through.” As I listen, I am asking the Holy Spirit to give me some powerful questions that may help the individual think through their situation on a deeper level. I am also asking Him to give me wisdom in how I might respond. How much do I say or not say? Sometimes I have said too much, other times too little. It is not a perfect science, but the more I can lean into the Holy Spirit’s leading the better able I will be to respond in a way that honors both God and the other person.  
  • Remain humble and resist the urge to become defensive. Easy to say – so difficult at times to do. Some conversations are just downright hard, and before we know it listening has gone out the window! (Not speaking from personal experience, of course. Ha ha.) In these challenging moments, when the person on the other side of the conversation is speaking in an aggressive tone or saying some things that we deem to be unfair, we can still honor them by taking a humble, non-defensive posture. (This is where the Holy Spirit will be crucial because in our flesh, we will want to be anything but gracious!) A great response in these tense moments is to say, “While we don’t necessarily see eye to eye on this, please help me to better understand your position.” Another good question to ask is “What do you need from me going forward?” These responses often disarm the other person – letting them know that even though you may not agree with them you still care about preserving the relationship. The less we need to be right, the greater the opportunity to hear what the other person is trying to say. 

    To be clear, I am not advocating that in the spirit of “listening” we allow someone to berate or denigrate us. There may be times when we simply must end the conversation, letting the other person know we will be happy to resume it once they can do so respectfully. God doesn’t expect us to be anyone’s verbal punching bag. 
     
  • Try not to make yourself part of the story. This is their story. This is especially hard in a culture that emphasizes “self” above all else. We tend to want to make everything about us, filtering our conversations though our own lenses, biases, and life experiences. By taking ourselves out the story we can more fully appreciate theirs. Compassion rises within us when we can see the situation from their point of view. 

Authentic listening communicates that we care. And though not necessarily easy, everyone, with a little practice (and a lot of help from the Holy Spirit!), can be a better listener. I would say it is worth it.  

About the Author

Jessica Sanford has served alongside her husband, Matt, in ministry for over two decades. She is a licensed coach with Leader Breakthru, Inc. and is passionate about making disciples and helping facilitate the spiritual transformation of those not content with the status quo. She also loves seeing women in ministry, especially other pastors’ wives, realize and step into their unique calling.

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