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I Thought God Didn’t Want Me 

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By Harris Holsapple IV 

[Para leer este artículo en español, haga clic aquí]

The Word of God says we can defeat the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, so I want to share my story. I have gone to church my whole life. In fact, my grandfather was a Methodist minister for thirty to forty years. 

My family went to church; it was what we did. It wasn’t who we were. When I was in seventh and eighth grades, some of the leadership in our church hurt me deeply, leaving me feeling unloved. I thought, “If this is how church people treat me and they think I am a problem, then God must feel the same.” A seed of bitterness and anger took root in my heart. Our family ended up leaving that church hurt and broken. 

When I was in ninth grade, we visited a Pentecostal church. There I heard a message about how Jesus takes us as we are and even loves us as we are. I thought, What? You take me as I am? That message of pure grace spoke to my heart, and I gave my life to Jesus. I’m not saying everything was suddenly wonderful, but that was the beginning of my faith journey.     

Like most families, mine wasn’t perfect, but I grew up in a supportive home and I’m thankful for my family. But because of my hurt, I was full of anger. At a young age, I was exposed to pornography and became addicted for a long time. This addiction carried into my Bible college life and into my marriage. It caused even more situations with anger.  

Anger is a secondary emotion. Like a weed with deep roots that keeps popping up, my anger kept resurfacing because I had not gotten to the root of my issue. My hands are full of scars from me punching things because I didn’t know how to handle my anger. I loved people, joked with people, talked a lot, but I was always angry, hurt, and broken inside.  

I went into ministry right out of Bible college, got married, and moved 2,000 miles away, from Oregon to the Midwest. I thought because I was in ministry, I had to say yes to everything, to do everything. I worked day and night. I said yes to everyone else, but no to my wife, Sarah. It wasn’t until years later that I would realize I needed to stop trying to be Jesus and start pointing people to Jesus. I needed to stop trying to be the Savior and instead lead others to the Savior. I was in a very lonely, hard place. Then two years into my marriage and ministry, my anger got me arrested, and I went to jail July 3, 2006.  

Harris and Sarah and their kiddos.

The next day, Independence Day, offices were closed, so I had to spend two nights in jail before facing a judge. I was forced to think about what I had done and where my life was. After I was released, I realized I had lost my ministry, my job, and maybe my wife. I remember crawling underneath the dining room table in a fetal position, all alone, two thousand miles away from my family and everything I grew up with, feeling like a total failure.   

The accuser of our souls kept repeating the phrase, “Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done!” I felt a darkness over me, and I had a choice to make: give up on the call God placed on my life or fight for it. It felt like I was at a “T” in my life. I could go down a dark path or choose a path that would be hard, but one where I would be following Jesus. At that moment underneath that table, I surrendered my life, my addictions, and my anger to God. I haven’t dealt with anger since July 3, 2006.  

Most things were restored, but I was still hurt. The devil kept lying to me, saying, “You’ve lost the ministry. You’ve disappointed a lot of people. God doesn’t want to use you. You’re a mess-up.” 

We moved from Illinois into my father-in-law’s home in Arkansas, trying to get back on our feet. I was able to find work at a Fortune 500 company full time, so that was a huge blessing, and God kept blessing me with promotions at work. Eventually people encouraged Sarah and me to get back into ministry, but we knew we weren’t ready until a few years later when we decided to go into ministry part time as youth pastors. However, when a new pastor was hired to lead our church, he didn’t like some of the stuff I was doing or saying. My calling came into question, and the other leaders’ confidence in me disappeared. 

The devil took advantage of the situation and said, “See, I told you.” I was so hurt, I ended up leaving the church.  

Sarah started attending another Pentecostal church she had found, but I wouldn’t go. I felt like God was ashamed of me. Thankfully, my wife didn’t give up. She kept asking me to go with her to church. Finally, I relented and went, but I sat clear in the back. A few weeks later, an evangelist who operated in the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge spoke at our church. I hadn’t seen anything like this and thought it was crazy.  

Yet in the middle of his sermon, the evangelist called me out, saying, “You in the back wearing such-and-such color shirt.”  

After looking around, I realized he was talking to me! 

“The enemy has been lying to you,” he said. “And all those things that have been spoken over you and said to you and things you believe are a lie. You have been called into ministry. God has a call on your life, and He is calling you back.” 

The speaker quickly moved on and kept preaching, but I was wrecked. I couldn’t believe God loved me enough to find me in a room of four hundred people, call me out, and say, “You do have a call.”  

At that moment I truly followed Jesus with ALL I was. A few months later I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and filled with His power. God has been the difference in my life. 

Sarah and I soon moved to Iowa where I became a youth pastor and eventually would become a lead pastor. My wife and I have been married nearly 18 years, and we have two beautiful children. God is using us in spite of me because Jesus is the difference. I am thankful for what Jesus has done and thankful for the resurrection. Trust me, I would be the last one to say, “I’m going to stand up and preach in front of a bunch of people” because the enemy tells me I am not worthy. But it’s God working through me who is worthy.

God also wants to make you whole, heal you, and set you free. If you would like that, pray this prayer with me. 

Lord Jesus, I admit I am a sinner and need a Savior. The Bible says that if I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead I will be saved. Lord, forgive me of my sins. I believe You are the Savior. Be the Savior, be the difference in my life. Amen. 

This journey has been hard, but it’s been amazing. Jesus is the difference!

About the Author

Harris Holsapple IV is the lead pastor at First Open Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He leads the church with fresh vision, excitement, passion, and creative ideas so they can win Cedar Rapids and the surrounding areas for Christ. Pastor Harris has a heart to see lives transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit and to see people experience new life. He and his wife, Sarah, have two beautiful children.

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A Costly “Yes”: Church Planting in the Murder Capital of America 

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Church planting isn’t for the faint of heart. All church plants require faith, but it takes a special kind of crazy to “parachute plant,” where church planters “parachute” into a new place, starting from nothing with few resources or contacts. After seven years of pouring our hearts and souls into CityLife Church, a parachute church plant in Wilmington, North Carolina, my husband Mike and I were pretty certain God was calling us to do something different. We genuinely believed God was calling us into missions. In hindsight, I guess He was – just not in the way we pictured it. 

This time, our “yes” led us into what was at that time the murder capital of America.

Neither one of us had a desire to plant another church, but the thought of doing something new was exciting to us. So, towards the end of our tenure at CityLife, we let the stirring of something new brew within us even though we had no idea what was coming.   

During this season, a couple of things happened that God used to speak to our hearts. The Vanartsdalens, close friends of ours at CityLife, came to us with the news that they were moving to help plant another church within Open Bible (read more about their story HERE). As we celebrated what God was doing with our friends, it reignited a feeling within us that we had forgotten. (Never underestimate how your “yes” might affect someone else’s!) That feeling was the excitement and spiritual rush that comes with church planting. Neither Mike nor I expected to feel this again, and we were surprised to find the desire in our hearts to plant another church. 

In a foot washing service, Cala and Lindsay wash new member Yanting’s feet

Everything changed after a conversation with our Open Bible Regional Director, Nathan Hagan. When we shared our initial desire with him, he began to brainstorm some different options for us to consider. One idea jumped out to both of us: “If you guys were interested in planting another church in the region, maybe it could be someplace like New Orleans.” Nathan mentioned other places, but the only one we remembered is the one that stuck to our hearts like glue. New Orleans: the word was spoken, and the Spirit responded!  

Mike and I decided early on in our marriage that whatever God called us to do, we would say yes. This time, our “yes” led us into what was at that time the murder capital of America: New Orleans, Louisiana. It is extremely hard to uproot your family and your life and move hundreds of miles away to a place where there are no family, friends, or security. Despite these challenges, we sold many of our possessions, took what we could in a truck and trailer, and headed off into the unknown! 

As soon as we put boots on the ground, we quickly realized that this city, this plant, and this call would be different from anything we had ever done. Almost immediately after moving, we were met with a triple homicide four houses down from ours, I was violently robbed at gunpoint, and our kids had a gun pulled on them while playing outside in our neighborhood. We faced circumstances that most people assumed we would run from, but when you know the Lord has called you to a land, you must trust that He will protect and prosper you in that land. Suffering is part of the calling; if we aren’t willing to suffer for the calling, we won’t partake of its full blessing. “But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:13). 

OHR New Year’s Eve with several of the church members

To rewind just a bit, when we knew for sure that we were moving, Mike sat our kids down and had them help compile a dream/prayer list of people we’d love to have on our team. Some on the list were Spirit-led, some were hopefuls, but all of them were people we thought might be crazy enough to consider moving with us!  

Back before we’d moved to North Carolina for our first church plant, we had told our friends Greg and Tina that we felt they were supposed to come with us. I think Greg laughed at Mike when we first shared this, but they are now the pastors at CityLife! In similar fashion, we had another friend couple in Ohio that we video chatted with as we prepared to plant in New Orleans. We shared the news of where we were moving then asked them to pray about joining us. They agreed to pray, but I’m certain they thought we were crazy! 

We faced circumstances that most people assumed we would run from, but when you know the Lord has called you to a land, you must trust that He will protect and prosper you in that land.

It’s amazing to see how God works in lives, stirring people’s hearts to be part of things that take an incredible amount of faith. Here we are two years later, and Pastor Eric and Lindsay Baker are in New Orleans with us putting their hands to the plow! They moved from a one-light farm town to one of the wildest cities in the world. They and their seven kids gave their “yes” to the Lord, leaving everything they had ever known. They have had their car stolen twice, and yet here they remain. In addition to the Bakers, God sent us another person from our dream list without us even having to ask; Mike’s mom, Lynne, joined the team and lives right next door to us now! 

Fast forward to present day: we are so excited to see what God is doing at OHR City Church! “Ohr” is the Hebrew word for “light,” and it also means “to bring order amid chaos” (so fitting for this city!). Almost nothing has gone how we thought it would here, yet we believe everything is going exactly how God designed it. 

One of OHR’s members, Ronnie, at a park outreach

We are currently meeting every Sunday night in our house where we eat, worship, dream, pray, and study the word of God together. While the adults meet in our house, the kids go to Momma Lynne’s house next door! Our team is growing, and we are all becoming a family. None of us knows exactly where the Lord is taking us yet, but everyone is on board to find out!  

If you feel God calling you to something, I encourage you to step out in faith and give God your “yes”!  

*Want to read more from Mike and Cala Dickey? Read their related article: Five Ways to Support Church Planting


About the Author

Cala Dickey

Mike and Cala Dickey are the lead pastors at the Southeast Region of Open Bible’s newest church plant, OHR City Church, in New Orleans, Louisiana. Before heading down to the bayou, Mike and Cala planted CityLife Church in Wilmington, North Carolina. They are passionate about pioneering and planting churches in areas that desperately need Jesus. The Dickey family is excited for what God is doing through OHR City Church in New Orleans! To learn more, visit Ohrcc.com.

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 Un «Sí» costoso:  Plantar una iglesia en la capital del asesinato en Estados Unidos 

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La plantación de iglesias no es tarea fácil. Toda plantación de iglesias requiere fe, pero la «plantación en paracaídas», en la que los plantadores «saltan en paracaídas» a un lugar nuevo, partiendo de la nada y con pocos recursos o contactos, requiere un tipo especial de locura. Después de siete años de derramar nuestros corazones y almas en CityLife Church, una iglesia plantada en paracaídas en Wilmington, Carolina del Norte, mi esposo Mike y yo estábamos convencidos de que Dios nos estaba llamando a hacer algo diferente. Honestamente, creíamos que nos llamaba a las misiones. En retrospectiva, creo que lo estaba haciendo, sólo que no de la manera en que lo imaginábamos. 

Esta vez, nuestro «sí» nos llevó a lo que en ese momento era la capital del asesinato de los Estados Unidos

Ninguno de los dos deseaba plantar otra iglesia, pero la idea de hacer algo nuevo nos entusiasmaba. Así que, casi al final de nuestro período en CityLife, dejamos que la emoción de algo nuevo se gestara dentro de nosotros, aunque no teníamos ni idea de lo que se avecinaba.

Durante ese tiempo, sucedieron un par de cosas que Dios usó para hablar a nuestros corazones. La familia Vanartsdalen, amigos cercanos de CityLife, nos comunicaron que se mudarían para ayudar a plantar otra iglesia con la Biblia Abierta (lea más sobre su historia aquí). Mientras celebrábamos lo que Dios estaba haciendo con nuestros amigos, se reavivó dentro de nosotros un sentimiento que habíamos olvidado. (¡Nunca subestimes cómo tu «sí» puede afectar al de otra persona!).  Esa sensación era la emoción y la urgencia espiritual que viene con la plantación de iglesias. Ni Mike ni yo esperábamos volver a sentir esto, y nos sorprendió descubrir el deseo en nuestros corazones de plantar otra iglesia.

En un servicio de lavado de pies, Cala y Lindsay lavan los pies del nuevo miembro Yanting

Después de una conversación con nuestro director regional de la Biblia Abierta, Nathan Hagan, todo cambió. Cuando le contamos nuestro deseo inicial, comenzó a pensar en algunas opciones diferentes para que las consideráramos. A ambos nos sorprendió esta idea: «Si ustedes estuvieran interesados en plantar otra iglesia en la región, tal vez podría ser en algún lugar como Nueva Orleans». Aunque Nathan mencionó otros lugares, el único que recordamos es el que se nos clavó enseguida en el corazón. Nueva Orleans: ¡se pronunció la palabra, y el Espíritu respondió!

Desde el comienzo de nuestro matrimonio, Mike y yo decidimos que diríamos «sí» a cualquier cosa que Dios nos llamara a hacer. Esta vez, nuestro «sí» nos llevó a lo que en ese momento era la capital del asesinato de los Estados Unidos: Nueva Orleans, Luisiana. Resulta sumamente difícil desarraigar a tu familia y tu vida, mudarte a cientos de kilómetros de distancia a un lugar donde no hay familia, amigos ni seguridad. A pesar de estos retos, decidimos vender muchas de nuestras pertenencias, cargamos lo que pudimos en un camión y un remolque, ¡y partimos hacia lo desconocido!

Tan pronto como comenzamos a trabajar, nos dimos cuenta de que esta ciudad, esta plantación y este llamado serían diferentes de todo lo que habíamos hecho hasta entonces. Casi inmediatamente después de mudarnos, nos enfrentamos con un triple homicidio a cuatro casas de la nuestra, me asaltaron violentamente a mano armada y apuntaron a nuestros hijos con un revólver mientras jugaban al aire libre en nuestro barrio. Tuvimos que hacer frente a circunstancias de las que la mayoría de la gente supondría que huiríamos, pero cuando sabes que el Señor te ha llamado a una tierra, tienes que confiar en que te protegerá y te hará prosperar en ella. El sufrimiento es parte del llamado; si no estamos dispuestos a sufrir por el llamado, no participaremos de toda su bendición. «En cambio, alégrense mucho, porque estas pruebas los hacen ser partícipes con Cristo de su sufrimiento, para que tengan la inmensa alegría de ver su gloria cuando sea revelada a todo el mundo.» (1 Pedro 4:13, NTV).

OHR Nochevieja con varios miembros de la iglesia

Volvamos atrás, cuando supimos definitivamente que nos íbamos a mudar, Mike se sentó con nuestros hijos y les pidió que le ayudaran a elaborar una lista de oración de las personas que «soñábamos» que formaran parte de nuestro equipo. Algunos de los nombres en la lista fueron guiados por el Espíritu, otros eran candidatos, pero todos eran personas que pensamos que podrían estar lo suficientemente locas como para considerar mudarse con nosotros.

Antes de mudarnos a Carolina del Norte para plantar nuestra primera iglesia, les habíamos dicho a nuestros amigos Greg y Tina que sentíamos que ellos debían ir con nosotros. Creo que Greg se rio de Mike cuando compartimos esto por primera vez, ¡pero ahora son los pastores de CityLife! De forma similar, teníamos otra pareja amiga en Ohio con la que nos comunicábamos por videochat mientras nos preparábamos para plantar la iglesia en Nueva Orleans. Les contamos que nos íbamos a mudar y les pedimos que consideraran orar para unirse a nosotros. Estuvieron de acuerdo en orar, ¡pero estoy seguro de que pensaron que estábamos locos!

Tuvimos que hacer frente a circunstancias de las que la mayoría de la gente supondría que huiríamos, pero cuando sabes que el Señor te ha llamado a una tierra, tienes que confiar en que te protegerá y te hará prosperar en ella.

Es asombroso ver cómo Dios trabaja en las vidas de las personas, moviendo sus corazones para ser parte de algo que requiere una cantidad increíble de fe. Ya han pasado dos años, y el pastor Eric y Lindsay Baker están en Nueva Orleans con nosotros poniendo sus manos en el arado. Se mudaron de un pueblo pequeño a una de las ciudades más desenfrenadas del mundo. Ellos y sus siete hijos dieron su «sí» al Señor, dejando todo lo que habían conocido. En dos ocasiones les han robado el vehículo y, sin embargo, aquí siguen. Además de los Baker, Dios nos envió a otra persona que estaba en nuestra lista de sueños/oración sin que ni siquiera tuviéramos que pedírselo; la madre de Mike, Lynne, se unió al equipo y ¡ahora vive justo al lado de nosotros!

Ahora, estamos muy emocionados de ver lo que Dios está haciendo en OHR City Church. «Ohr» es la palabra hebrea para «luz», y también significa «poner orden en medio del caos» (¡tan apropiado para esta ciudad!). Aunque casi nada ha salido como pensábamos, creemos que todo está saliendo exactamente como Dios lo diseñó.

Uno de los miembros de la OHR, Ronnie, en una reunión de extensión en el parque.

En la actualidad nos reunimos todos los domingos por la noche en nuestra casa donde comemos, adoramos, soñamos, oramos y estudiamos juntos la Palabra de Dios. ¡Mientras que los adultos se reúnen en nuestra casa, los niños van a la casa de Mamá Lynne al lado! Nuestro equipo está creciendo, y todos nos estamos convirtiendo en una familia. Ninguno de nosotros sabe exactamente a dónde nos ha de llevar el Señor, ¡pero todos estamos dispuestos a descubrirlo! 

¡Si sientes que Dios te está llamando a emprender algo, te animo a que des un paso de fe y le des tu «sí» a Dios!


Sobre la Autora

Cala Dickey

Mike y Cala Dickey son los pastores principales de la más reciente iglesia plantada por la Región Sureste de la Biblia Abierta, OHR City Church, en Nueva Orleans, Luisiana. Antes de ir al bayou, Mike y Cala plantaron CityLife Church en Wilmington, Carolina del Norte. Les apasiona ser pioneros y plantar iglesias en áreas que necesitan desesperadamente a Jesús. ¡La familia Dickey está emocionada por lo que Dios está haciendo a través de OHR City Church en Nueva Orleans! Para más información, visite Ohrcc.com.

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Walker’s House of Hope

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In 2017, my husband Dyecol and I were asked to be the interim pastors of Word of Life Open Bible Church in Lehigh Acres, Florida. Little did we know that our two weeks as interim pastors would turn into seven years and counting. After accepting the call to be the permanent pastors, we moved to Lehigh in September, right after Hurricane Ivan had hit. There was no electricity in the city, and it felt like we were moving into darkness and chaos. I didn’t realize we were also moving into the rest of our lives.

Taneasha and all her kids, enjoying the sunshine

Dyecol and I had never had children together. Shortly after our move to Lehigh, we saw a billboard for an adoption agency. Dyecol went to the agency’s office for more information, and it wasn’t long before we were taking a class on adoption. The instructor of the class emphasized how much greater our chances would be to adopt through fostering, and pretty soon we got our first call to foster a three-year-old girl named Isabella. I will never forget seeing that scared little girl walk through our doorway. I scooped her up in my arms, she laid her head on my shoulder, and my future was sealed.

We’d had Isabella for only a month when we got a call for a second little girl, Maria. Maria’s sister Ruby would join her a few months later, and not long after Ruby, we got a call for a fourth child, our first newborn. This baby was only six days old and had been born addicted to drugs. We were told her parents didn’t want her, and we became excited that this baby might become ours. We attached, weaned her off drugs, and she began to thrive. It was then that her biological father decided that he wanted her. As difficult as this was, it was further complicated by the fact that our hopes of adopting the other girls fell through around the same time. We were shattered. This taste of parenthood had convinced me that I wanted to be a mom again, but fostering was too difficult. I told myself, “Never ever again!” Until I got the next call.

Sometimes God walks you through a process of loss and then He dumps blessing on you when you least expect it.

“Ms. Walker, I have a little girl for you….”

“I don’t know, we’re taking a break.”

“Ms. Walker, I’m telling you, you’re going to want this little girl.”

(Deep Breath.) “Okay.”

Our case worker brought over this ten-year-old little girl with big old grandma glasses, fuzzy hair, and the cutest smile. That little girl walked into our lives, and she has changed us forever. Her name is Anna-Tae Walker, and she became our first adopted daughter. Two months later, we were introduced to our daughter Heavenly. We loved her from the moment we saw her. Sometimes you just know. I said to my husband, “She’s not leaving.” True to my word, Heavenly AND her brother Joshua became ours through adoption.

Anna-Tae, the Walkers’ first adopted daughter

Sometimes God walks you through a process of loss and then He dumps blessing on you when you least expect it. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t have the first little girls we tried to adopt, but God said no. He knew who our kids were.

Despite my having three adopted children, I continued to take new placements. My first experiences fostering almost broke me, but as I continued to say “yes” to each new child, God reinforced my heart with His strength. Instead of shrinking with each loss, my heart grows bigger as I watch family reunifications. God has gifted me with the capacity to love and to lose.

One night as I was lying on my bed, the Lord gave me a word: “Walker’s House of Hope.” I told my husband, “This is what we’re going to name the house where we raise the children God brings to us.” We started praying, “Lord, if you give us a bigger house we will take more children.” At that time, we had seven children in a three-bedroom house. It wasn’t long before the Lord provided us with a four-bedroom house.

God has gifted me with the capacity to love and to lose.

I got the call almost immediately: “Ms. Walker, we have a sibling group of three.”

“You know I have seven children, right?”

“Yes, Ms. Walker, but you were born for this.”

Immediately the voice of the Lord came to me, reminding me of my prayer. He had given me a bigger house; I was obligated to fulfill my promise. So, we ran out and bought another bunk bed.

The sign hanging on the Walkers’ door

Today, we have ten children: three adopted and seven fostered. Every day after school, I hear ten voices at once, beautiful chaos. Each time I say aloud, “I have ten children,” I can’t believe it – not because it’s too much, but because it feels comfortable. When I dream about the future, I see myself with even more children, running around a big property and coming in to eat dinner around our huge kitchen table. I have found my calling, and I am believing for God to gift us with the house that’s as big as my heart.

I had a sign made that hangs in our current home: “Walker’s House of Hope.” When I look at it, I say to God, “This is not it. But this is it for now.”

Seven years ago, we moved to a city that was in chaos and darkness. Today, we live in a home of chaos and light. And as I look around my busy kitchen table, I have never been more excited about the rest of my life.

About the Author

Taneasha Walker

Taneasha Walker is currently co-pastoring Word of Life Open Bible Church in Lehigh Acres, Florida, with her husband Dyecol. She serves on the Southeast Regional Board as an At- Large member. Taneasha has gained experience in every area of ministry, using this knowledge to effectively care for the local church body as well as the children that have been entrusted to her. She is passionate about prayer, utilizing it in every endeavor. In her free time, Taneasha’s hobbies include reading, singing, and traveling. 

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