No One Ever Told Me
Good Grief!
By Dr. Ralph Vencill
No one ever told me that grief would be such an intense part of our journey. My upbringing from a non-Christian background as well as some of the modeling that was presented to me from men of the church developed a mentality that set me down a difficult path.
“Walk in strength and confidence!”
“Be strong and courageous!”
While these statements are true in context, they don’t address every moment of life. They don’t teach you the essentials of being a real man, embracing the fullness of who God called you to be.
Over the past three years I was exposed to a flaw in my armor. My eyes were opened to see how grief had been part of my life since my childhood and that I had suppressed that grief to the point of denial. In the midst of this realization, I found out I was broken. How could this be? I felt I was finally coming into my best season of life. I felt I had finally overcome some major challenges to the point that I would walk at a different level, but amid this season, I had created a normal that embraced an unhealthy mindset and lifestyle.
That mindset, my outward strength, became a prized plaque that I displayed proudly on my wall. The award I wore around my neck. The trophy I displayed and talked about as if it were something to brag about. Through all my education, all the leadership development seminars and classes, no one ever dared to address or question this area of my life. I appeared healthy. I appeared well developed, but the truth is, I was a full-time actor in my own drama, and I didn’t realize it.
In my extra education classes for chaplain ministry, I was able to see the walls I had built around my grief that prevented me from confronting all the loss in my life. I blew off each incident as if it were not a big deal. My answer was always, “God is all I need.” God is enough, but He created us to need each other and to experience these elements in life.
Matthew 14:13 (NLT) tells us of the notification of the death of John the Baptist and Jesus’ response. “As soon as Jesus heard the news, he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone.” Jesus got away to grieve. If Jesus saw this need in His life, shouldn’t we do the same? This was not my practice. It wasn’t something I saw a need to do. I would like to say I worked through my loss, but the truth was, I buried it.
Jesus got away to grieve. If Jesus saw this need in His life, shouldn’t we do the same? This was not my practice. It wasn’t something I saw a need to do. I would like to say I worked through my loss, but the truth was, I buried it.
I shrugged off every heartache, every death, every betrayal as not important, and the hardened shell of my life thickened with each loss. This shell, which I internally thought to be protective by not allowing anyone to ever hurt me again, began to drain the life from me. It cost me every time I buried a loss rather than allowing it space to be what it was: a loss, the death of something in my life. I hid from the realization that a portion of me could be damaged by that loss.
This realization, this awareness, began to uncover and release some deep-seated pains in my life. I began to understand that I had suppressed all the pain of my childhood. I hadn’t allowed myself to express the anger for the loss of my innocence and the denial of love as a child.
I am so thankful for God’s continued hand of protection through this season of my life. I am also thankful that even in this season of my own pain, the Holy Spirit was faithful to come in and pour over our congregation the oil of His anointing and the healing wine of joy, providing a soothing presence to those under my ministry. I am grateful for how God used an inner healing ministry in Toledo, Ohio, called the Toledo Transformation Center. Its director, Sarah Williams, and her staff did a presentation at our regional conference last year, which was very moving for me. I believed that they could help unlock some of the deeper issues I was struggling with, and they did.
I am also thankful for a loving wife and family who endured such a broken vessel for so many years. They experienced and suffered through the hardened presence of who I had become. They felt the pain of all the losses for me through all those years of ministry. They grieved. They cried. They had been in many ways the physical manifestation of the pain of my losses. When I look back at their pain now, I see it. Back then I couldn’t see anything.
Today I am moving towards a place of health and vitality. I feel many things now, and tears flow as needed. There are days I am not sure I like this, but I know that this is good for me. I know this is who God created me to be. I am thankful for the journey. I am blessed beyond measure.
Here are a few things that may help you process grief in your life:
- Talk about your loss.
- Sit with your grief, allowing yourself to feel the pain of the loss.
- Be accountable to someone regarding the long-term processing of your grief.
Under the Holy Spirit’s direction, you will find you can break down those walls that have created a barrier in your relationship with God and with others.
About the Author
Dr. Ralph Vencill serves as lead pastor of Bellbrook Community Church, an Open Bible church in Bellbrook, Ohio, and a full-time chaplain with Ohio’s Hospice. He and his wife, Nancy Vencill, have four children, two of whom are married, and four grandchildren, with one on the way. Ralph is also a business owner and loves to travel.
It’s easy to get excited about beginnings: the birth of something new, the start of a fresh place. But we often forget that both the beginning and end have a purpose. Finishing matters.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.
2 Tim. 4:17 NLT
What a beautiful reminder that we are not running this race to win; we are running to finish. Friend, God has positioned you in this time and given you specific gifts and talents to serve Him. Your race is now and it’s important. You’ve been handed the baton of faith and entrusted to carry it forward as you run your part in God’s divine relay. Here are some reminders as you run your race:
Train to endure
Do you remember what it’s like to run when you haven’t run in a long time? When you’re so out of shape that you can’t even run one mile without stopping several times to catch your breath? I am reminded of the intense training marathon runners go through. They train day by day, putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, they can run many miles without stopping. This is because they build endurance and gradually adapt, allowing their bodies to train for the long haul. They don’t just train their bodies for endurance, but they also fuel their bodies properly to run the race. They change how they eat so their muscles can heal and rebound between runs, and they also store enough energy so they can function properly.
Like that of a marathon runner, your race requires proper training, nutrition, and self-discipline. It’s not just about the output but also about the input. God’s Word strengthens you and sustains you through your journey, and prayer and intimacy are where you rest, fuel, and receive the supernatural power of healing to continue.
Throw it off
I remember many times during a walk or a run when I realized I had a tiny rock in my shoe. Sure, I tried to ignore it, but until I took off my shoe to get rid of that little rock, it was impossible to focus on anything else. If not dealt with, the rock could rub my foot raw, cause wounds, or even worse, cost me the race. We all have things we need to throw off or get rid of.
In the book of Hebrews we are challenged, “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Heb. 12:1 NIV).
Maybe you’re in a season of transition in your race and the terrain is looking a little different. Just remember, how you leave a season will impact how you enter the next. If you leave offended, you start defensive. If you finish weak, you start fragile. If you leave healthy, you start strong. You are still running the race; what you pick up in one season is often carried into the next. Travel lightly! You cannot go where you are going without leaving where you have been. Once you’ve thrown off what you should not be holding on to, you are free to grasp new batons. Consider the power of carrying these batons into new places rather than dragging along the heaviness of old priorities, hurts and resentments, or sins and scars.
Rest
You cannot go where you are going without leaving where you have been.
Rest is vitally important when running the race. Sometimes to finish well, you need to rest. While you rest, Jesus moves. I have experienced amazing seasons of rest when I have seen God work in miraculous ways. A season of rest is just a season of catching your breath! There are seasons when you need to run, and then there are seasons when you need to stop and breathe… and that is okay. Some experiences are going to bruise you or knock the wind out of you. When that happens, take a moment and catch your breath. Remember, it’s not about winning the race – finishing is what matters!
Rest, if done properly, allows you to examine the reasons for your tiredness and relinquish what is not yours to carry. The trials, challenges, disappointments, obstacles, and hurdles you face as you run will naturally impact you. It’s not easy to go the distance, is it? The battles can be fiercer and the terrain rockier than you anticipated. Maybe, as you read this, your lungs feel like they are going to burst, and your muscles are burning because you didn’t know this would be so hard. Yet here you are, determined and locking eyes with the One who has numbered your days. Train to endure, throw off all that burdens you, and rest when needed. Keep your eyes on Jesus and finish well!
About the Author
Sarah Holsapple
Sarah Holsapple serves on staff at her church in Cedar Rapids, IA, as the Creative & Spiritual Development Director. She serves alongside her husband of almost 20 years, Pastor Harris, who is the Lead Pastor at First Open Bible. Sarah has been teaching and preaching for several years. She’s passionate about discipleship and women’s ministry and served as the Regional Women’s Director for Open Bible Central Region. One of her favorite things in life is being a mom to her two incredible children, Hudson and Lynnley Jo.
The last several years for Sarah have been the hardest of her life. She truly knows the depths of heartbreak and what it feels like to wrestle through healing. She has seen God move in miraculous ways and has experienced great comfort in knowing that we serve a faithful God. Sarah feels great joy in sharing encouragement from the word of God, seeing lives changed and people set free!
Sometimes leaders come in unexpected packages.
Toward the beginning of 2023, I had three separate conversations with three different women in our church. Each of them brought up in one way or another that they desired to learn how to write a sermon.
Not exactly the emerging leaders I was looking for.
From a strategic perspective, I’ve always been encouraged to invest in younger leaders. Not that the older generation is unimportant, but it does makes sense that with limited time and resources, we should focus on raising up those emerging leaders who will be able to influence people for Jesus for decades to come. So, what was I supposed to do with these three women? Two have grandkids and all three are old enough to get a discount on their breakfast at IHOP.
There were younger people in the church I wanted to develop. There were other leaders to which I thought it would be smarter to devote my time. But after praying, I couldn’t shake it: God was clearly asking me to invest in these women.
Before long, I was meeting with the group in an upstairs classroom at the church, teaching them my approach to sermon development (an approach influenced by both Andy Stanley’s Communicating for a Change, and my dad, who is one of the best preachers I know).
When God leads me to people I wouldn’t normally gravitate to, invest anyway. When it’s surprising and seems to contradict my leadership strategy books, invest anyway.
They each completed the three-month-long class last fall, having written a sermon of their own. Each of their sermons reflected countless hours of prayer, Bible study, writing and re-writing and re-writing again. Now, whether they share at a mid-week service, a special event, or a Sunday morning, they each have a message burning in their hearts that they are ready to preach.
I am excited to see what comes next for them. But I’m also walking away with a new resolve: I want to invest where God is calling me to invest.
When God leads me to people I wouldn’t normally gravitate to, invest anyway. When it’s surprising and seems to contradict my leadership strategy books, invest anyway.
If you look at who Jesus called and invested in, His choices surely shocked a lot of people. When you look at who I was when He chose me, that was pretty shocking too. I’m so grateful Jesus didn’t cater to the opinions of others and chose me anyway. I’m also thankful for ministry leaders like my dad, my mentor Steve Moore, and my long-time pastor Gary Khan. When God prompted them, and even when my potential was hard to see, they invested anyway.
Levi Thompson
Levi Thompson serves as the lead pastor at Desert Streams Church in Canyon Country, CA. Following a life-changing encounter with God at 17, Levi became passionate about facilitating transformative experiences with God for others and inspiring them to pursue their God-given destinies. Levi enjoys sharing life’s adventures and the ministry journey with his wife, Katie, and their two children, Noah (13) and Mia (8).
By LeAnna McIntyre
I have always enjoyed the story of Esther from the Bible, an unexpected hero for her people. An orphan girl just living her life, Esther found herself appointed queen of a whole kingdom. She exposed an evil plot, and because of that her people were saved.
However, I did not relate much to this orphan girl in my younger years, and I don’t know how much I even tried. I am no queen. I simply was raised in a Christian home with parents who loved the Lord. I loved God and wanted to serve Him. I remember crying to my mom when I was young because we had heard a beautiful testimony of a woman whom God had rescued from drug addiction, and I didn’t know how my testimony could show God’s love that powerfully.
I tried to fly under the radar. I am a wife of twenty-eight years to a wonderful husband. For years I was a stay-at-home, homeschool mother to four boys. I volunteered at our church in youth ministry, worship, and kids’ ministries. I just loved people and loved God.
I attended Pacific Region’s Discover Ministry School simply because I wanted to serve better and know God in a deeper way. I had spent more of my life feeling insecure than confident. Pastoring was not something for which I was aiming. But when the opportunity came to lead our church, God gave me a passion for His Word and a love for the people in our community. I jumped in, afraid but wanting to do what God had for me. I am now surrounded by people who encourage me and support me, and God is doing great things at our church.
At first, many people quoted to me Mordecai’s words to Esther: “Who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14, NIV). And then someone told me that I had said “yes” when others said “no.”
The insecurity in my mind told me that somehow I became the pastor only because others said no, and without realizing it, I believed I was God’s “Plan “B,” a backup plan because “Plan A” didn’t work out. I didn’t know any other female lead pastors to look to, so I questioned every decision I made and yet tried to trust God to work out this backup plan toward His good.
Now He is showing me that I am His Plan A for the call He has on my life. It’s a crazy thought, but I am coming to know and walk in it. I have learned a few things happen when you understand that you are God’s Plan A.
First, you begin to look toward Him in a new way. If I am God’s plan A, that means He put me here. I am not an afterthought. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans He has for us. His plans are not for our harm, but rather to give us a hope and a future.
Sometimes we read that verse and forget that the hope of that plan coming about comes from God as well. So, we must get close to Him, close enough to hear His heartbeat and recognize His voice. When things do not open up like we think they should, when they don’t come as fast as we would like, being close to Him keeps us from bitterness because we are not shaken by the things of this world. We are led by Him.
Second, our boxing gloves come off. When you understand you are God’s Plan A for the purposes He has for you, you do not have to fight for that position. God is the one who called you; people did not give you that call. If you are called by Him, He will open doors and close doors as He sees fit. I do not want to walk through any door that He did not open. We must be careful to guard our hearts and not let bitterness or frustration motivate us to kick doors down or throw a fit in the hallway as we wait on Him. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Everything flows from what is in our hearts. What kind of ministry or purpose will you walk out if you get frustrated and start punching down doors? One that is grown from a place of bitterness will not speak Jesus to the nations or even our neighbors. God’s timing is perfect, so we need to follow that timing to truly walk out the purposes He has for us.
Esther trusted God in the process. She was in the palace; she was queen; but she was just herself. You do not see her fighting anyone or forwarding her agenda. When she was told of the plot to kill her people, she fasted and prayed and instructed others to do so as well. She could have tried to kick down the door of the throne room, but without God’s favor and timing in that moment, she would have died. She was careful to be led by God. She was obedient to His voice even in the timing.
What I wish I would have known earlier is that we are all a little like Esther. We are all being raised up for “such a time as this.” God could have put us anywhere in the timeline of the earth, and He chose now. We are God’s Plan A for this place in time. We get to walk in obedience, get close to Him, and watch Him work out the good purposes He has for us. I cannot wait to see what He has in store next!
About the Author
LeAnna McIntyre serves at The Bridge Open Bible Church in Eugene, Oregon, where she has been lead pastor for the past two and one-half years. She has been married to her husband, Scott, for twenty-eight years and is the mother of four boys. LeAnna is passionate about prayer and worship and loving people well.
To listen to LeAnna’s interview with President Randall Bach about her journey from fellow church member to lead pastor, go to Better Roads-LeAnna McIntyre
