5 Things
5 Things NOT to Say When Someone is Grieving
By Nicole Kerr
Even if you have never experienced a season of grief, you at least know someone who has. We all struggle to know the right things to say and do, and there really isn’t one right way to handle these situations. But hopefully these five tips of what NOT to do will help guide you the next time someone you care about is grieving. Avoid the following:
1. “At least” statements.
“At least you got to say good bye,” “at least she lived a long life,” “at least he isn’t suffering anymore,” “at least we know they are in a better place,” “at least you have other kids or can try again,” “at least there are other ways to grow a family.” These statements may come from a heart that is caring and wants to encourage, but in most cases they do the opposite. Even though they may be true, their truth doesn’t make the loss feel any less painful. Someone that is grieving needs to have their grief acknowledged, not to be given the impression that their feelings are invalid.
2. Bringing up your own similar situation.
No two experiences are ever the same, so saying something like “I know how you feel” can diminish the other person’s feelings. When we bring up our own experiences, we are trying to show that we empathize with the grieving individual but in that moment the focus needs to be on the person who is grieving and not ourselves. Sharing your own experiences can be very helpful and welcome in the right situation, but it needs to come after acknowledging the personal grief of the individual and only if you are in a position in that person’s life to offer that kind of experience or advice.
3. Being overly emotional.
Nothing is more exhausting for someone who is grieving than the need to stop and comfort others. The ability to grieve with someone is an amazing gift, and it can be comforting to know that someone else is feeling what you feel, but the need for the grieving person to constantly reassure the people around them that they will be okay is more exhausting than helpful.
4. Asking “How do you feel?” or “How are you doing?”
This one isn’t inherently wrong, because typically we do want to know how someone is doing and we should never assume that we know how they feel. But it gets asked so often that it can feel like a generic greeting at the supermarket such as “Hi, how are you?” The other person feels expected to say, “Fine, and you?”
If the grief is new, the grieving person may really not know how they are feeling, or they may be feeling so many things that they don’t know how to explain it. And if someone is standing in a funeral receiving line, they only have time for “We are doing fine.” So unless you actually have the time to sit and listen to how the person is doing or can help them process all these emotions, it may be best to avoid the question. That being said, asking how someone is doing is far better than not acknowledging their grief at all.
5. Not saying anything
Most of the time we don’t know what to say, or we are afraid we will say the wrong thing. We get uncomfortable when people are grieving so we say nothing. We stay away to “give them space.” As someone who has been the griever many times, I can tell you that I would rather people say the wrong thing than not say anything at all. When you are grieving, it is common to feel alone, and when those who say they care about you don’t acknowledge your pain, there is nothing lonelier.
Ok, so what can we say or do when someone is grieving?
1. Let them know that you acknowledge their grief and that you are there for them.
You can start by saying, “I am so sorry for your loss. If you or your family need anything, please let us know.” In fact, offer specific ways you would be available to help. Or tell them, “I can’t imagine what you are going through. Please let me know how I can pray for you.”
2. Share memories if you knew the person that has passed.
There is nothing that feels better when you have lost someone than to remember the good times.
3. Give a tangible gift, especially if it can be a reminder of the person who was lost.
Many times along with grief comes a fear of forgetting, so a tangible, meaningful item that can serve as a positive reminder is a nice touch.
4. Pray for them.
Don’t just say you will pray, do it. If you have the opportunity, pray for them in person.
5. Give of yourself.
Even if you don’t say anything, just being with someone who is grieving is a comfort. Bring dinner over or bake them cookies. Take them out for coffee. Don’t try to force them to talk about their grief, but let them know you are there to listen if they want to. Simply being there can be more healing than the perfectly crafted condolence or a verse on a Hallmark card.
No two people grieve the same, and even one person can grieve differently for different losses. But generally speaking, letting someone know you care for them and are there to support them is never wrong. As with anything else, ask God to guide you in how to best show His love to the person in need.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn”
(Romans 12:15).
The holidays can elicit a variety of emotions – ranging from excited anticipation and joy to feelings of overwhelming stress and, at times, downright dread. How do we preserve our peace and emotional health this holiday season, while also keeping our hearts centered on Christ?
From my earliest memories, I have loved all things holiday: the gathering together of family and friends, the food shared around the table, the decorations, the smell of apple crisp baking in the oven and cider simmering, familiar traditions, and all the moments in between. And we mustn’t forget the beloved classics A Charlie Brown Christmas and my personal favorite, It’s a Wonderful Life.
It is not just one thing; rather, it is the culmination of many little and big things that have made the holidays so memorable.
One particularly special tradition in our household is hosting Thanksgiving and inviting each of our families to join. Over the years, we have had fun making this day our own, rarely making turkey and opting for roast beef instead. (I know; crazy, right?)
But as much as I love this time of year, I am not naive about the tension that exists between my expectations of what the holidays should look like and what they oftentimes end up becoming. (Does anyone else’s family end up sharing a stomach bug right as the holiday season is in full swing?) I also can’t help but notice how the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas often become a blur as we move from one activity to the next. I remember one specific Christmas evening several years ago telling my husband as we fell into bed, “I am so glad Christmas is over.” Yikes! I don’t think this was the “good news of great joy” the angel of the Lord had in mind when he revealed the Messiah had been born.
Peace of heart and mind is available, but we must contend for it.
Sadly, the joy and wonder of the season can quickly get lost as we navigate the challenges the holidays can bring: things like overfilled schedules, additional calendar commitments, complex family dynamics, anxiety, heightened expectations (by others and ourselves), grief and loss, and feelings of profound loneliness, just to name a few. These challenges, compounded with juggling the demands of everyday life, can quickly steal our peace and emotional health if we are not careful.
It’s interesting that in Luke 2:13-14, the announcement of the Savior’s birth to the shepherds was also attached to a pronouncement of peace:
Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased” (NLT).
Peace of heart and mind is available, but we must contend for it. Though not an exhaustive list, here are a few practical things we can do to protect our peace this holiday season:
- 1. Focus on those things that matter most.
- We can be so easily swept up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays that we lose sight of what this season represents. The gatherings, meals, festivities, gift-giving, and decorations are merely delightful “extras.” What matters most are the people in our lives and the moments we will share together. Lord, help us not to miss those who are right in front of us. These are the gifts that will truly remain.
- 2. Keep expectations realistic.
- Lay aside any need to create the “perfect” holiday or to please everyone. I need to remind myself of this often, as my perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies can become magnified over the holidays if I am not mindful. (This is what leads to my making five desserts when two are completely sufficient—haha!) Be okay with keeping things simple this year. A kind “no” might be in order. What is realistic for you and your family? If it’s not doable (due to practical, financial, or time constraints), then let it go. It really will be okay!
- 3. Commit to being fully present.
- It’s hard to be fully present when our pace outmatches our capacity. What’s one thing you can do each day to allow yourself time to pause, breathe, and recenter your heart around Christ? For me, I need time each day for silence and solitude. This helps me set aside the distractions of the day and reorients my heart back to the heart of the Father.
- 4. Give yourself permission to grieve.
- Grief and joy can coexist. Allow yourself to feel both. If the holidays stir up feelings of sadness or loss, make space to process these emotions. It’s okay to acknowledge the holidays might feel different or hard this year. Find a trusted friend you can talk to.
- 5. Determine to love well.
- The holidays can bring out the best—and, sadly, the worst—in people, as emotions tend to run high. Regardless of how those around us are behaving, we can only control our own actions and attitudes. Let’s keep love as our highest aim. Will our lives reflect the true spirit of the season—joy, goodwill, generosity, kindness, patience, and the heart of Christ?
May you have a blessed and peaceful holiday season, making memories and hopefully enjoying lots of apple crisp (topped with ice cream, of course).
About the Author
Jessica Sanford currently serves as discipleship leader at Fort DSM Open Bible Church in Des Moines, Iowa. As a mentor, coach, and friend, she is deeply passionate about coming alongside individuals on their spiritual and emotional journeys toward healing and wholeness in Christ. She also delights in being Matt’s wife and a mom to two adult children and a new daughter-in-law. Her greatest joy, however, is found in being God’s beloved daughter, fully cherished and fully known.
My husband Josh and I joke that we have a punch card for all the life-threatening scares our children have given us, and that punch card is completely filled.
I want to cash it in for a prize, please.
Yet each life-threatening moment (and let’s be honest, just living) has taught me the imperative of prayer. Sometimes I sense the Lord allowed these events to strengthen my prayer life, teaching me not only the importance of prayer but also methods of praying that have opened my eyes to His power in action.
My prayers of this season are stained with tears, joy, anguish, strangled silence, unstifled cries, and awestruck gratitude.
I could not have survived without my lifeline of constant communication with the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. My prayers of this season are stained with tears, joy, anguish, strangled silence, unstifled cries, and awestruck gratitude.
The following are five things I have learned about prayer, with about a dozen encouragements squeezed in for good measure.
1. The best time to pray is right now.
It’s hard to admit, but I used to be that person who would say they would pray for someone, then forget to actually do it.
Jesus caught hold of me and had a serious talk with my heart, and I have since repented, learning that the best time to pray is right now.
Now, when someone asks me to pray for them, it doesn’t matter what I am doing; I stop, take their hands, and ask if I can pray for them right now. It does not matter if it is in the grocery aisle, in the church hallway on a Sunday morning, as I am rushing to accomplish a task, walking to my car, or watching my daughter’s soccer match. Every time I say I will pray for someone or am asked to say a prayer, that is my Holy Spirit cue to stop and pray RIGHT NOW.
Allow your life to be interruptible for prayer.
2. Invite children and youth to pray for you.
This lesson is brought to you by my three daughters, who have shown me the power of a young person praying. Children and youth do not have less of the Holy Spirit than adults! Being older and more experienced in life does not give me a greater volume of Holy Spirit power.
Children and youth pray with a purity untarnished by life’s cynicism and skepticism.
I see evidence of this in children who feel called to pray over others, teenagers joining hands with adults to pray for bonds to be broken, and youth bowing their heads for freedom and healing.
Children and youth pray with a purity untarnished by life’s cynicism and skepticism.
Seek them out for prayer
3. Practice the Prayer of Examen.
I did not misspell that word. The Prayer of Examen is a rhythm of prayer in which, at the end of your day, you assess your availability to the Spirit with honesty and humility in five ways:
Gratitude: Note the ways you have experienced God’s loving presence today and thank Him.
Ask: Invite the Holy Spirit to provide insight beyond human capacity.
Review: Review the day and moments where God passed right by, unnoticed or ignored.
Repentance: Ask forgiveness for any moments you rejected, ignored, or rebelled against God’s invitation to you.
Renewal: Look ahead to the next twenty-four hours, resolving to respond to the Holy Spirit.
4. Pray Scripture.
There are many moments in counseling others when I have no words for what they need or I am at a loss about how to direct them. In those moments, the Lord reminds me that His Word is a balm. Because His Word does not return void, I take up the sword of truth and use it to bring healing and guidance in ways only He can. I love to pray Scripture over people. Often, I don’t even realize I have Scripture memorized; it just comes out of me as I pray! When you are in your quiet time each day with the Lord and a portion of Scripture speaks to your heart, write it down, memorize it, and wield it in your prayers for others.
5. Pray Creatively.
I am praying right now that the Lord will open your eyes wide to prayer in your every day. May you be available and interruptible, seeing the miraculous because of your obedience.
“O, Lord, hear. O, Lord, forgive. O, Lord, listen and act! For your own sake, do not delay…” (Daniel 9:19 NIV).
*To read more about Melissa’s testimony and how it has driven her to pray, read her related article, The Miracle that is Adelaide.
About the Author
Melissa Stelly serves as the executive pastor at Turning Point Church in Spokane, Washington, alongside her husband, Josh Stelly. She has attended Turning Point for thirty-five years. She is the mother of three daughters, adores camping, hiking, and adventuring, is a voracious reader, and considers Mt. Rainier one of the greatest accomplishments the Lord created. Most days in her free time you will find her curled up with a good book or taking a long walk.
Have your kids ever made plans for you without asking first? Mine have, more than once! But a few years ago, one of those “surprise” plans turned into one of the most meaningful Thanksgivings for our family.
Those moments of laughter around the table and story-sharing carried the quiet presence of Jesus, who promises to be close to the brokenhearted.
Our neighbors, a family of four whom our kids had befriended, had recently lost the matriarch of their family. It was going to be their first holiday season without Mom/Grandma, and our kids insisted we invite them and their grandpa to Thanksgiving dinner.
We sent the invitation and didn’t know what to expect. Weeks passed without a response, and I assumed they had made other plans. Then, just two days before Thanksgiving, a text came through: five more people were coming!
Our table wasn’t perfect. We scrambled to get more groceries to make a few more sides. But the house was full of laughter, stories, and a sense of togetherness that no amount of planning could have created. That experience taught me so much about opening my home and my heart to families who are hurting.
Here are five things I learned:
- 1. Do it scared.
Extending an invitation can feel intimidating! You might worry about saying the wrong thing or overstepping. Ask God to fill you with boldness and do it anyway. I quickly sent a text message before I could second-guess myself or my kids. Even if they don’t accept, your invitation tells them you see them, you remember there loved one, and you care. And most importantly, it shows them God sees them, too. - 2. Focus on connection, not perfection.
Our table was crowded! We pulled in extra chairs from the garage, used mismatched plates, and squeezed elbow-to-elbow. And you know what? Nobody cared. What people remember most isn’t how it looked; it’s how they felt. This family was so grateful to have a new memory of a special holiday meal as they started to figure out what their life without Grandma looked like. Those moments of laughter around the table and story-sharing carried the quiet presence of Jesus, who promises to be close to the brokenhearted. - 3. Acknowledge their loss.
It can feel awkward to bring up the person they’re missing, but silence can make the grief feel heavier. Talk about their loved one. Almost all grieving people I’ve encountered love an opportunity to talk about and remember the person they’ve lost. Ask about their favorite holiday memories. If there’s time, ask ahead of time if there’s a special family recipe you can include with the meal. - 4. Let the invitation be open-handed.
There is a man in our community who is divorced and has difficult relationships with his grown children. He, too, is hurting and spends the holidays alone. For several years now we have invited him to join us, and he always politely declines. However, a small but significant step was taken last year. He accepted an invitation to come over after our meal and pick up a plate of leftovers to take home. We got to chat with him for a while and celebrate after the meal was done. There are many forms of grief, and the last thing we want to do is place pressure on someone in pain. Extending an open-handed invitation without expectation creates space for them to join if and when they are ready. It’s a beautiful reminder of God’s own invitation to us: always open, always patient, always full of grace. - 5. Keep checking in after the holidays.
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Sometimes the hardest days come after the big holidays, when everyone else has moved on. Keep inviting, keep texting, keep showing up. Presence in the days and weeks after is just as powerful as during the holiday itself.
That Thanksgiving reminded me that hospitality is less about the table and more about the heart around it. When we create space at our tables for those who are grieving, we’re doing more than sharing a meal. We are sharing the love of God in a tangible way, making room for Holy Spirit to comfort and heal. You don’t need the perfect meal or a Pinterest-worthy home to share the love of Jesus and help someone feel seen. All you need is a willing heart and an open door, and God will do the rest.
About the Author
Katie Thompson is the executive pastor at Desert Streams Church in Southern California, where her husband, Levi, serves as lead pastor. When she’s not pastoring, she’s running her bookkeeping business, leading as CFO at a wellness center, or wrangling kids and backyard chickens. She’s convinced coffee makes everything better, family adventures are non-negotiable, and the beach is one of God’s best ideas.