Spotlight
How to Join and Leave a Church
By Tom Rupli
Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Psalm 68:4-6, NKJV
Extol Him who rides on the clouds,
By His name YAH,
And rejoice before Him.
A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families.
From the premise that God Himself sets people into church families (His holy habitation) comes the logical conclusion that since God cares about how people come into a church, He also cares about when and how they leave. Certainly, people will join churches and they will leave churches, but the reasons why they come and go can greatly influence the health and stability of a church family. God’s Word provides great relational principles that provide all the body of Christ needs to stay healthy, and Jesus stressed these principles more than any other. He said, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples” (John 13:35, NLT).
In a time when the very foundations of cultural and political stability violently shake, God has called the Church to withstand the winds and storms of disruption that pound the world. Jesus declared, “Upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it” (Matthew 16:18, KJV). The value of the church of the Lord Jesus Christ cannot be overstated; it must be a safe place of refuge and security for the fatherless, the widow, and every other person who seeks shelter from the storm while standing as a united and mobilized force for good. The body of Christ must be handled with great care.
Recently a close pastor friend of mine called. With anguish in his voice, he described how a key leadership couple abruptly resigned their ministry position and declared without explanation that they were leaving the church. Word of their departure swept through the church body, and the difficult question of “why?” added confusion to the pain. Sadly, most of us who have been in the church for a while know the pain that this pastor and church suffered because of the sudden loss of people they love.
How believers enter and leave church families must take high priority in our discipleship training process! The Bible reveals many principles that can proactively prevent “church family dysfunction.” Possibly the best example of a biblical model to a proper “joining and leaving” can be found in the book of Acts in the story of the relationship between Saul (later called Paul) and a Christ-follower named Barnabas. After Saul, the persecutor, received Christ on the road to Damascus, Barnabas took him under his wing, mentored him, and advocated for him. For that reason, the church, despite their initial misgivings, received Saul into fellowship, and the Holy Spirit sent the two men to Cyprus. God did incredible things through their partnership, and the church grew. Side by side the brothers ate together, laughed together, and suffered together. And the Holy Spirit worked marvelously through them.
Build the bridge of relationships in people’s lives so strong that the bridge can handle the inevitable weight of conflict.
Dr. Kelly Silvers
However, an incident occurred, and they disagreed vehemently about the best approach for how the ministry should proceed. These two great men simply could not reconcile their differences. However, the manner in which they left each other provides a model for us today. Their argument did not revolve around wounded pride or offended feelings, but on different callings and spiritual giftedness. After meeting face to face they still could not agree, and Barnabas and Saul went their separate ways as brothers in Christ. Instead of the incident hurting the church, the church grew exponentially stronger because God honored their different callings and the way they parted ways. There most certainly is a right way and a wrong way to leave church relationships that can ultimately strengthen or diminish the ministry of God’s Kingdom on earth. The Spirit wants us to get this right!
When my wife, Nancy, and I stepped into our first lead pastorate role, we quickly realized that like many churches, our church had its share of dysfunction. People were leaving more often than they were joining! OUCH! As most pastors can attest, it hurts when people leave the church! Thankfully, my mentor, Dr. Kelly Silvers, had taught me a vital principle which provided a catalyst for our church to gain health. He said, “Build the bridge of relationships in people’s lives so strong that the bridge can handle the inevitable weight of conflict.”
One of my greatest regrets stems from a phone call I received from a key leader in our church. She had a deep misgiving about aspects of our youth ministry. Her perspective stemmed from painful incidents from her past which I was aware of. But instead of grieving with her over her childhood and reassuring her that our youth ministry had safeguards in place, I grew defensive. The more defensive I got, the more offensive she got, and you know the rest of the story. Goodbye! It still hurts!
From the very get-go of human relationships, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). If an individual visiting a church family leaves the gathering feeling as alone as when they came in, they more than likely will not return. If a person in a church family carries pain into the church and that pain is not ministered to, they too will leave as alone as when they came in. Jesus told us to make the main thing the main thing: Love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself.
ALL THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS HANG ON THESE TWO COMMANDMENTS! (Matthew 22:35-40).
Whoa! Are you telling me that all the “doctrinal and behavioral principles” of the Bible hang on the “relational nail” of loving God and one another? Yes, and as Dr. David Ferguson of the Great Commandment Network teaches, “As we increase care in the church, conflicts will decrease.” Building the bridges of relationships in the church must take high priority in our discipleship process. Let’s explore a few principles.
- God leads the solitary into church families. So how do you know that God is calling you to join a church? The Holy Spirit might be tugging at your heart. “Speak, Lord, I am listening!” Have you heard confirmation from the Scripture? Have you explored the doctrines and ministries of the church? Could you commit yourself to joining this local body of believers? Do you have a strong confirmation that this is God’s will? Are you willing to place your life (and family) under the spiritual covering of this local church? Have you spoken with the pastor of the church, asked questions about the church, and allowed the pastor to get to know you? “In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:6, NKJV). Joining forces with a local church should be a decision based on the leading of the Lord and should be strongly confirmed in your heart of hearts.
- God also leads people to new places of ministry. In His strategy, sending people out from a church must be a Holy Spirit thing. This decision must be made with great confirmation! How should one leave a church? One must leave with honor! “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another” (Romans 12:10, NKJV).
Meeting with your pastor to communicate the reasons for your decision to leave brings honor to a difficult process. Explain the reasons why you feel God is moving you to a new church body. Ask for the pastor’s prayer and confirmation, and carefully evaluate what the pastor says. A good pastor cares for the people in the church. I will never forget the day Nancy and I had to approach our dear pastor who had taught us so much about the love of Jesus. He had prophesied over us, mentored us, and had been nothing but good to us. But we knew in our spiritual “knower” that a season of transition had come. We honored our pastor by asking for prayer and confirmation about our decision, and he blessed us and sent us out.
Pastor and other leaders, consider these thoughts when developing a culture of honor:
- Pray for every member of your church body weekly, including the children. On Sunday, you will remember their names (which is huge), and by praying for them, the Holy Spirit will speak to your heart about trouble; you will notice when they are not there.
- Call those whom you have not seen lately and ask about their well being.
- Offer a “six-month leave of absence” to people who want to leave the church. Ask them if you might touch base with them periodically. Often they come back because you care.
- Touch base with as many people as possible at every service.
- Teach the church how to remove one another’s aloneness by meeting the key relational needs of compassion, attention, respect, and encouragement. (Great Commandment Network has resources and strategies to meet key relational needs.)
- Have a weekly greeting time at each service and teach people to love one another.
- Proactively teach in membership classes or from the pulpit how to properly join and leave a church. (John Bevere’s classic book and video series The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense is an excellent resource.)
- Encourage people to never leave a church because of an unreconciled offense. (See Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.)
- Teach conflict resolution (Matthew 5 and 18).
- Teach how to properly ask for forgiveness and how to give forgiveness.
- As a matter of respect, follow the protocol of calling the former pastor of the church from which a new member came.
As the world teeters, the church must strengthen herself as the bride of Christ! We are a people of honor, love, commitment, and devotion to Jesus. The church must honor Him in all that we do. How to join and leave a church must represent our love for Christ. Even when the dust settles, a strong, healthy church knit together by covenant bonds will still be standing.
About the Author
Tom Rupli ministered at New Life Church in Petersburg, Michigan, for 30 years prior to becoming the regional executive director of Open Bible East Churches. He and his wife, Nancy, are now thoroughly enjoying serving as interim pastors at River of Life Community Church in Dundee, Michigan.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV).
There is a quiet invitation woven through these words – an invitation into constant, total dependence on God. We often imagine maturity as having our act together, managing our lives with unshakable strength. But in God’s kingdom, maturity looks nothing like self-reliance. It looks like surrender.
… in God’s kingdom, maturity looks nothing like self-reliance. It looks like surrender.
Just as valleys are watered with rain and become fruitful while lofty mountains remain dry, so it is with our hearts. The low places – the humbling, honest valleys – are where God’s grace pools and grows us. The heights of self-confidence, the illusions that we’ve got everything under control, stay barren.
Grace is not just God’s favor; it is His love set in motion toward us. When Paul begged God to remove the thorn in his life, God didn’t take it away. He gave Paul something far more powerful: grace. Sometimes relief comes by His removing the burden, but sometimes God strengthens the shoulders that carry it.
This past year, I’ve walked through my own valleys in ways I could never have anticipated. An abnormal mammogram led to surgery, which revealed breast cancer. By God’s miraculous hand, the tumor was removed completely, with clear margins and no spread although the tumor was dangerously close to my lymph nodes – a reminder of God’s perfect timing, protection, and faithfulness.
But the challenges didn’t end there. Amid cancer treatment, autoimmune flare-ups, and the toll on my body, I experienced alarming numbness on the left side of my face, suddenly losing strength in my left arm and leg. A trip to the ER revealed a nearly blocked right carotid artery, a tear likely caused by a fall I’d taken months prior, and a blood clot that could have caused a massive stroke.
Yet in the middle of chaos as we prepared for worst case scenarios, God’s grace showed up. Within a day of their being detected, scans revealed that both the clot and tear were gone. Every doctor involved was astonished. I was walking, speaking, and moving with minimal effects – a miracle too clear to dismiss.
In these moments, I’ve learned that we don’t truly trust God’s grace until we first admit we are insufficient. It’s easier to believe in grace for the past or the future. But grace for this moment, right here, in the pressing reality of fear, pain, and uncertainty, requires a present-tense, radical faith.
God didn’t just supplement my strength; He became my strength. He reminded me that the thorn doesn’t defeat us; it becomes the doorway through which His glory steps in. My husband, family, friends, and the countless prayers lifted on my behalf became vessels of God’s love, reminding me that what looks like an ending is often where He does His best work.
… the thorn doesn’t defeat us; it becomes the doorway through which His glory steps in.
Through lingering numbness and nerve pain in my face (Trigeminal neuralgia), vision issues in my left eye, and the exhaustion of hospital stays and oncology appointments, God has been teaching me to release my grip on self-sufficiency. Every test, every scan, every unknown has been a lesson in dependence, a sacred invitation to rest fully in Him. He meets us in both the dramatic and the mundane.
As we face uncertainty and continue to navigate treatments, recoveries, and the unknown, the same promise remains: His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in weakness. My valleys have become fertile soil, and in surrendering, I’ve discovered strength I never possessed alone.
To anyone reading this, let this be a challenge and an encouragement: don’t wait for the mountains to feel secure. Step into your valley. Admit your insufficiency. Rest in grace. Let God’s power carry you through the moments you cannot handle on your own. Because in the valleys, in the weakness, God is not just present – He is gloriously, powerfully enough.
About the Author
Sarah Holsapple serves on staff at her church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, as the Creative & Spiritual Development Director. She serves alongside her husband of almost twenty years, Harris, who is the lead pastor at First Open Bible. Sarah has been teaching and preaching for several years. She’s passionate about discipleship and women’s ministry and served as the Regional Women’s Director for Open Bible Central Region. One of her favorite things in life is being a mom to her two incredible children, Hudson and Lynnley Jo.
The last several years for Sarah have been the hardest of her life. She truly knows the depths of heartbreak and what it feels like to wrestle through healing. She has seen God move in miraculous ways and has experienced great comfort in knowing that we serve a faithful God. Sarah feels great joy in sharing encouragement from the word of God, seeing lives changed and people set free!
My wife, Leona, was at an eye exam, and I was waiting in the lobby when a good-looking couple walked in. Thinking they were Hispanic, I greeted them in Spanish. With a look of surprise, they responded that they didn’t understand. Noticing their accent, I asked what language they spoke. “Arabic,” they replied. They were from Cairo, Egypt.
“I was just there!” I exclaimed. We introduced ourselves, and when they asked about my trip, I explained that I had gone to teach at INSTE Global Bible College. As we talked, we discovered common ground—Youssef and Fatima are both college professors, and Leona and I also work in higher education.
When the conversation turned to food, my Italian roots—revealed by my surname—caught their interest. I asked them what their favorite Italian dish was. “We love eggplant parmesan,” they answered.
“Would you come to our house for dinner if I made that?” I asked. They gladly accepted. When Leona’s appointment ended, we compared calendars and set a date to host Youssef, Fatima, and their four sons.
At home we talked about what to do with our dog Barney. Living in a townhome, we couldn’t put him outside. Knowing that Muslims traditionally view dogs as unclean, we decided to banish Barney to our finished basement during the visit.
Before dinner, we explained our custom of thanking God for our food. They understood, appreciating that we blessed them also in our prayer. Conversation flowed easily as we shared the meal. Afterward, the younger boys, full of energy, spotted the basement stairs. Leona explained about Barney, assuring Fatima that he was friendly. With her permission, the boys bounded downstairs to play with one very happy dog. The older boys preferred the TV room to watch football, while we lingered at the table with Youssef and Fatima, enjoying the chance to connect as fellow educators. Our first dinner together was a success.
As Fatima and Leona washed the dishes, the conversation was salted with quotes from the Koran and the Bible…
That Thanksgiving, we invited the family back to share in a traditional holiday meal. Barney had a sleepover at Leona’s sister’s house this time. We set the table for a 1:00 p.m. feast, but our guests were delayed returning from Wisconsin and arrived closer to 5:00. Once gathered, we enjoyed another rich time together.
Leona and Fatima washed dishes side by side, as Youssef and I chatted in the living room. All four boys bundled into the TV room to watch sports. Later, gathered by the fireplace, Youssef asked, “Does the Bible talk about the end of the world?” He was genuinely interested in comparing Christian and Muslim viewpoints on the end times. We had a very interesting conversation that evening! It was 11:00 p.m. when six-year-old Ahmed sleepily stumbled from the TV room, asking, “Can we go home now?” Shortly thereafter, we said good night to our guests with gratitude for another memorable evening.
Months later, Youssef and Fatima invited us to their home for the Muslim celebration of Eid, marking the close of Ramadan. Fatima had prepared the traditional feast of Egyptian dishes. We arrived in time to count down to sunset, and then the banquet began. As Fatima and Leona washed the dishes, the conversation was salted with quotes from the Koran and the Bible as Fatima explained Eid. The rest of the evening was filled with relaxing conversation, along with plans to get together for the Fourth of July.
Friendship and food opened doors for evangelism.
Our last gathering was at Christmas. Once again, we shared a meal, meaningful conversation, and plenty of laughter. Wanting to give them New Testaments in a respectful way, we sought guidance from friends experienced in ministry to Muslims. Following their advice, we wrapped the books beautifully, adding a heartfelt note expressing our joy in their friendship. We presented the gifts as they left that evening. Though we haven’t heard from them since, we often remember Youssef, Fatima, and their boys in prayer. Friendship and food opened doors for evangelism. We learned that sensitivity to cultural and religious differences keeps those doors open, and above all, we were reminded to live out 1 Peter 3:15: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…” (NIV).
About the Authors
Leona K. Venditti, EdD, and Nicholas A Venditti, PhD, met in Madrid, Spain. In 1982, Leona was sent by Open Bible’s Department of Global Missions to start a training program which has since grown into INSTE Global Bible College. It has expanded to more than forty countries and eighteen languages. Together, the Vendittis continue to “make disciples and develop leaders” both nationally and globally as they mentor many cross-cultural followers of Jesus.
Spiritual direction…hmmm, sounds like what I get from the Holy Spirit when I pray, so why would I need to meet with a spiritual director when I can do this on my own? Seems unnecessary, right? Not to mention, I’m a guy; we never ask for directions.
That was my thinking a few years ago, until the day I got a call from another minister who was training to be a spiritual director. She needed to log a certain number of practice hours to finish her training, and she asked if I would be her “guinea pig.”
The call had “coincidentally” come in the middle of a challenging season; my pastoral duties felt relentless, and I was going through a profound life change. I felt empty inside as I wrestled with a nagging question: “Am I really hearing God clearly?” Unable to talk through my struggle with very many people, I had been feeling spiritually stuck. The person calling was someone I trusted, so I agreed to be a part of her training process. I thought I was helping her out, but little did I know this decision would stand as a cornerstone of my spiritual and mental health moving forward.
Spiritual direction is like having a wonderful (dare I say, sacred) friend who walks alongside you and gently guides you to notice and respond to the presence of God in your life.
Spiritual direction is like having a wonderful (dare I say, sacred) friend who walks alongside you and gently guides you to notice and respond to the presence of God in your life. Believe it or not, even the best of us can miss Him in the middle of our emotional and mental upheavals. Unlike traditional counseling or mentorship, spiritual direction focuses on deepening our relationship with God, helping us become more aware of His presence in our everyday experiences.
A Transformative Encounter: Experiencing the Father Three Ways
There’s one spiritual direction session that particularly stands out in my mind. My mom had just passed away, and my dad was in the final stages of his life. It had been a tough year of loss, and I was doing my best to keep it together. As I shared with my spiritual director, she made a suggestion. She said, “Gary, take the next ten minutes to sit before the Father and ask Him what He wants to say to you in this season.”
I muted the microphone, sat in silence, and stared out the window of my office into my backyard. It was a beautiful day, and the wind was rustling through the trees. Things moving by some unseen force. As I sat there, God reminded me of three snapshots (memories) with my dad. The first was a memory of being at the beach with him when I was four and his taking me into the deep water. I remember protesting that I didn’t want to go out there but also feeling safe because I was held tightly in my father’s arms. The second was a memory of when I was twenty and we took a trip together. It was on that trip that I felt my father, through his actions, take his mantle of authority and leadership and place it on my shoulders. The third snapshot wasn’t a true memory but a glimpse into the future. I was about to visit my dad in a month – it was to say goodbye as he was in the final stages of life on earth. My agenda was simple: I was just going to spend time with Dad.
In those pictures, with the wind blowing through the trees, the Father used my father to help me encounter Him. I’ll never forget the three things God whispered to me as I pondered those three snapshots:
Gary, I’m with you; you’re safe.
Gary, I’ve given you everything you need to fulfill what I’ve called you to do; I trust you.
Gary, all I desire is for you to spend time with me and enjoy my presence.
Those past and future joys were a reminder from my heavenly Father that I could take the path ahead because He was with me. I’m not sure I would have had such a profound experience had it not been for the preceding conversation with my spiritual director and our subsequent debrief.
Integrating Spiritual Direction into Pastoral Ministry
Moments in this and following sessions have been a game changer for me, helping me become a better leader and follower. I now approach decisions with a greater sense of grounding, choosing to rely on prayerful discernment and feedback from someone who’s spiritually mature and not emotionally tied to the situations. I’ve also learned to listen better, not just to God but also to people.
Spiritual direction has been a transformative experience for me, helping me grow both personally and professionally.
Spiritual direction has also been a huge help with my mental health. Regular sessions provide a sanctuary from the incessant demands of ministry and allow me to process those stressors in a safe context. I’ve learned to be more resilient, thanks to the reflective exploration of my spiritual journey, and I feel more balanced and purposeful.
If you’re a minister who hasn’t tried spiritual direction yet, I highly recommend it. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Find a spiritual director who’s trained to help others on their spiritual journey.
- Make sure you prioritize regular meetings. Consistent engagement allows for a deeper unfolding of your spiritual narrative and allows for sustained growth.
- Be open and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to talk about the good and bad parts of your spiritual life.
Spiritual direction has been a transformative experience for me, helping me grow both personally and professionally. Remember, we all need help sometimes.
About the Author
Gary Kahn
Gary Khan was born on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. He moved to America when he was twenty to pursue his education and calling to be a pastor. He met his wife DeLaine at Eugene Bible College (now New Hope Christian College) and upon their graduation, they were married and began working at Desert Streams Church in Santa Clarita, CA. After thirty-two years as a pastor, Gary became an Executive Director of Operations for Marketplace Chaplains. He is the author of devotionals including Reset and Greater and his most recent book, That Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Thought.
